By: Megan Minutillo, Guest Blogger
We sat at the edge of the beach, toes digging deeper in the sand, just gazing at the moonlight. We quite literally watched ships disappear into the black ink of the horizon. And started in wonder as the glitter of lights made their way back in port.
If I write it, it becomes real. The hollow feeling in my chest. The sharp objects of this ocean you put before us. The sadness that reaches beyond my fingertips. The constant replay of trying to figure out how we got here…
…with you over there.
And me…a million, billion miles away.
If I write it, it becomes real. If I put those feelings into paper, if I scribble them onto my notebook, if I type them out like tiny black ants peppering across my screen…it becomes real.
You see, sometimes I’m afraid of my own words.
Cause my words, well, they’re the bits of life that are part of my bloodstream. They’re the bits of life that permeate my thoughts. They’re the things that I love and cherish. They’re the things I know to be true.
Eek. That just echoes in my brain about a billion times over lately. It’s as if it’s stitched onto the insides of my eyelids.
See, I’m afraid of my words because I can’t hide from the ink on my paper. Or the tiny black symbols on my screen.
Once I let my words out of my fingertips, they’re there. Staring back at me.
Truth that I feel a certain way.
Truth in acknowledging the presence of sharp jabs, and an ocean of distance, and a hollow, cold, sort of hurt that the best chicken soup couldn’t cure.
Truth in saying that you’re hurting me. That you’re breaking my spirit. Truth in saying that I don’t know how to be honest anymore, because I’ve seen what honesty does to you. It makes you run. It makes you flee. It shuts off the light in your eyes.
But here’s another truth.
I’m so very tired. I feel like I’m moving through molasses, and I just don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to wonder anymore. I don’t want to feel cold anymore. I don’t want to fight for you anymore.
Cause, really, when it comes down to it, the biggest truth of all is that I have to fight for myself, and that’s ok.
I have to fight for my own heart. My own light.
I have to fight for me, and not just be there for when you pick and chose.
That’s not what my soul was intended for, the casual flippancy of your love.
See, I want someone who isn’t afraid of truth. I deserve someone who isn’t afraid of truth. Or meeting someone halfway.
For the truth in friendship is being there, it’s showing up.
Words are power. Are you plugged into the power of YOUR words?
- The next conversation you have, bring a new kind of awareness to your speech: Are you peppering your chat with lot's of negatives? Are you being vague when you could be OWNING those feelings and emotions? Are you hurting or healing with your words?
Megan Minutillo is a playwright, director, and founder of the arts and education site, The Write Teacher(s). Her articles have appeared in HelloGiggles, So Worth Loving, I Am the Modern Career Girl, and Glass Heel. She is currently at work adapting her show, Ghosts in My Vodka, into a musical.