By Brionna Denise, IATG ContributorMay 06, 2016
Although I love embracing my favorite saying, "Non sum qualis eram" (I am not what I once was), I want to embrace that ounce of the “old” me sometimes. I want to talk to you about the “old” me, because this week has been hard.
Despite all this, I am so thankful for growth and strength; they’re my two best friends in all hard decisions, trials, and tribulations.
I've been accepted into 5 colleges and denied from 6 so far. I only have one more college to hear from, and I'm not interested in hearing back from them. So, overall this seems like a good thing, right? My first thought was, "Wow, you've been denied admissions into more colleges than you were accepted.” It's only ONE more school, who cares?! Apparently my subconscious does, rudely enough. You see, I don't mind not getting into those six colleges, being denied doesn't say anything about my character or how great of a person I am, but I did let it define if I was a great student, which is something I've always battled with throughout school.
When I read the admission letters, I often wonder, “what if I got better grades? If I did more activities, volunteered more? What if I had some great honor as a recognized scholar? What if I was a better leader, if I did more?” But all of this is crazy, because for the most part, I have straight A's and some B's. C's simply make me cry, so I've been fortunate enough to have only received one throughout my high school career. I am a member of performing choir and vocal ensemble. I work darn hard in my Vocal Major, and it keeps me completely busy and tired. Any other after school activities would be overkill. I volunteer as much as I can. IATG is everything in my day to day life, and I always want to do more as a worker and as a leader in our chapter meetings. I am a part of an amazing non-profit organization full of so many amazing and inspiring women. That is AN HONOR to me, y'know?
I know that somehow, some higher power is looking out for me. Maybe what I thought was the best fit for me isn’t the best option. Maybe I didn't get accepted at those colleges, not because I'm not interesting or smart enough or because I don't do enough, but because I don't belong there. Maybe I wouldn't flourish academically and creatively there. Maybe I wouldn't be able to express myself freely there or grow as a person intellectually, socially, vulnerably, and independently. Maybe we don't need each other like I thought. Maybe someone else needs that school more than I do.
I am a badass, because I am more than my grades, my social life, my test scores, and my "college readiness." I am more than my success and my failures (which only I get to define), and I am more than just a word. Sometimes I have to kick myself in the butt and repeat that to myself.
I just have to slow down sometimes and take care of myself. I can take my time with my goals. I don't have to bombard myself with loads of school and long term goals. I'm 18 and Ancora Imparo (Yet/Still I am Learning). Life doesn't make sense and sometimes it's terribly mean for an abundance of reasons, but not getting into my dream schools won't make or break me. I have the IATG girls, my family, and myself to remind me of this through social media and real contact + conversation. It makes me cry happy tears to know that when I'm not being so kind to myself I have people to remind me through their love to love on myself.
How do you show yourself some love when life gets tough? Take some time this week to be little extra kind to YOU. Whether it’s taking a bath, treating yourself to ice cream, or going to a yoga class, you deserve a little extra love!