By: Erica Farnsworth, Guest Blogger
I am twenty-three years old and divorced.
This is a scary thing to admit, especially when it comes to moving on with my life. For a long time I was trying to save something and someone that was incapable of saving. In the back of my mind, I think I always knew this, but I was too scared to leave. I was too afraid of being alone, of regret, of letting go, and of the pain. But what is perhaps the most frightening of all, is how long I let my own self-esteem and self-love suffer. I let myself be manipulated, lied to, and cheated on, yet I still found myself holding on for one more day, because I am an optimist who tries seeing the good in people, even the rotten ones. It was bad enough that I fell not only for his lies, but also for the lies I was telling myself – the justifying and reasoning I used to convince myself. Denial was a beautiful place to live, but only for so long.
The feeling of being not good enough for your own husband, the one person who has VOWED to love you no matter what, is ineffable. I was never good enough, in every way possible. My confidence was being completely sacrificed for someone who was essentially destroying me without a care in the world. My naivety was taken away from me. It was my first, and what I thought would be my only marriage. Every dream and vision that I had for our future was tarnished. Every good memory suddenly was a lie. My trust, my faith, and my love were replaced with a despondent form of living. And it wasn’t fair.
As deeply as it broke my heart to watch things dissipate, it warms my heart just as well to have experienced what life is truly about. What I thought I had found in a soul mate is gone. Part of me is gone as well. I know I will never be the same, nor do I want to be. The lessons that I have learned and the amount that I have grown as a person have made it all worthwhile. I have discovered the capacity my heart holds for love and the lengths I am willing to travel for it. My eyes have been opened to the cold hearts that roam this earth, and I am now wise enough to recognize them. But the lesson of largest significance that I am thankful for is this:
If someone makes you question your worth, they are not worth your time. If someone makes you feel worthless, they are not worth it.
You need to know your own worth and have respect for yourself. Never let your love for yourself or the way you view yourself be defined by another person. If you find yourself doubting who you are, rather than rejoicing in it, recognize this toxicity and get out. Don’t let a negative person consume your life. Do not give someone that power over you. Why waste precious days pining and stressing over someone who is not doing the same for you? Why compromise your spirit over someone that is only bringing out the worst in you?
Focus your energy on growing happy with yourself, and I promise the right people will naturally gravitate into your life. Never become bitter. Never give up on love. And never give up on yourself. So here’s to goodbye. Here’s to starting over. Here’s to knowing you are good enough and never letting someone convince you otherwise.
I am an easy-going girl who loves a good book, good music, and a good laugh. My family, friends, and dogs are my entire life. Donuts and coffee are my weakness.
Image via goneinwanderland.wordpress.com