By Dana Zillgitt, Regular Contributor
I recently started having feelings for a boy in a relationship. Granted, I’d only heard rumours about this being true. I’d heard everything from “he’d broken it off already” to “it being on shakier rocks than whiskey” all the way to “he was in love and happy.” I didn’t know which option was the truth, and I hadn’t heard it from the horse’s mouth yet. So, I was apprehensive to say the least. And honestly, I didn’t mean to develop feelings for him. It just kind of, well, happened. As I’m sure these things often do.
Since I’d left California, we had spoken every day for hours about everything and anything. We agreed on a lot and valued several of the same things, like family, enthusiasm, and honesty. We were both for gun safety but loved skeet shooting in the mountains. He loved my dorky grin and my snort giggle, as I felt the same whenever he discussed his favourite bands and the best shows he’d seen. When I realized I had developed feelings for him, I started freaking out. I never have crushes on anybody. Like, ever. So the butterflies and intentionally over-analyzing my words were completely new for me. I texted a few friends about what to do next. I asked all the cliché questions:“Do I tell him? What if he doesn’t reply ever again? Am I even more insane than normal? Is a stampede of butterflies on a mission in my stomach even normal?” More importantly, what if the rumours were true—that he was already committed? I’m not about to intentionally be the other woman. But, with a lot of prodding and a lot of encouragement, I took a chance and just told him. I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t. But let me tell you, the 90 minutes or so of waiting for a response were excruciatingly exhilarating.
And, my head was right. He was in a relationship, but he wasn’t happy in it and wasn’t sure how much longer it’d last. He was developing an attraction to me too and couldn’t stop himself from firing back in conversation. But, as much as I would like to, I can’t sustain a crush on hope that he’ll be uncommitted soon.
We’ve talked a few times since the declaration was made, but it feels like we’re both curbing our enthusiasm, at least from my end. I’m trying to reel my emotions back in and let him take the lead. I’ve always seen relationships as sacred, even if they’re trembling, and I don’t want to be the reason they break up (at least not the foundation of it).
Did it turn out the way I wanted it to? Of course not. But am I glad I told him? Definitely. I took a chance in telling somebody how I really feel about them, which has always been difficult for me. So hopefully, this will have a happy ending, but in case it doesn’t, I know I took a chance and leapt, even if there was no net to catch me.
So in the mean time, I’ll keep my fingers crossed that our timing’s right in some sense, but I won’t put my life on hold just yet. I have too many dreams left to chase and too many deeds left undone.
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Dana has her BA in International Affairs & Spanish as well as a mild obsession with rescue animals and all things caffeinated. She’s mastered the art of the selfie, fort building, and even the sass battle. Plus, she can quote 95% of Anchorman and Zoolander.
image via nymag.com