The Necessary Yes

By Dana Zillgitt, Regular Contributor

I was talking to a friend the other day about what goes on in the bedroom and what we were or weren’t comfortable with. One such act came up, and he asked if he could go into more detail about. Caught off guard, I asked why he felt he needed permission-we were amongst friends and talking in hypotheticals after all, and his response? “I don’t leave things to chance or assumption. Even in hypotheticals.” I melted a little bit on the inside. He went on to say that he wants a full blown excited “yes” every step of the way. And he wouldn’t want anything less than that. As a sexual trauma survivor, those seemingly meaningless words took me to Cloud 9. There are still guys who want to make sure the woman has just as much say behind closed doors as a man. But more importantly, there’s a guy out there who actually respects what his partner may like.


I know I shouldn’t feel this excited about this, but I do. Part of me knows this is how all men-and women-should be when being intimate, caring enough about both partners’ experience, but I still have nightmares about that night. It’s a classic case of your head and soul battling, because it can be hard to separate future love interests from the one that put a stain on intimacy. That night is still a huge part of me, whether I like it or not. It still factors into how I see myself in the mirror, how I see future relationships as well as how I see myself in anything romantic or sexual. I’m not sure how to bring it up in conversation, because it’s not something to talk about, nor should it be. I know there will be moments where I have an excited yes at the beginning, but then something may happen that takes me back to that night. It makes all parties involved uncomfortable and raises questions I’m not prepared to answer.

So what am I trying to say? Even with the worst nights of our lives, there is still hope. There are still people who will restore our faith in love and romance, in intimacy and sexuality, and that a yes is not only an option-it’s a necessity. 

Let's Chat. How comfortable are you talking about intimacy? Have you ever had a hard time saying yes or no to intimacy? How did you handle it? Tell us about it here

About Dana

DANA_ZILLGITT.jpgDana has her BA in International Affairs & Spanish as well as a mild obsession with rescue animals and all things caffeinated. She’s mastered the art of the selfie, fort building, and even the sass battle. Plus, she can quote 95% of Anchorman and Zoolander.



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