By Devin Riggs, Regular ContributorNovember 5, 2015
image via relationshipqoute.tumblr.com
I’ve been sitting here for close to an hour unsure of how to start this article; unsure if I should even be writing about this part of my life, because I have always kept it so private. I have no problem discussing my anxieties and depression these days, and yet when it comes to my relationships with others…I’m afraid of saying anything out loud. I’m afraid of disrupting any kind of peace I’ve managed to create in the last three months. But I’ve been trying to settle some debts with myself, and it’s time to be honest about where I am.
I’m stuck in this weird limbo between the familiar routines and the rush of new possibilities.
In the last three months I have moved to a new town, mutually ended an almost three year relationship, started a new job, made new friends, gained full responsibility of my finances, and unexpectedly met someone new.
I realized last week how different my life has become in such a short time. And thanks to Adele dropping her first single in four years, everything just hit me, like a thousand bricks. “Hello, it’s me,” my anxieties sang.
My coping mechanisms failed me. I couldn’t verbalize the fact that I simultaneously missed my ex terribly and was also excited about this new person who had come into my life. I couldn’t express how terrified I am about messing up at my new job or how weird it is to be a fully responsible adult who pays bills and has to talk to strangers about how to fix my very old computer, which is slowly dying on me. I couldn’t tell my friends how much I missed them even when I was standing right in front of them, and how disconnected I felt watching their lives move forward through social media profiles.
And when I tried, it didn’t come out right. I became exhausted just thinking of how to rephrase my thoughts so they would make sense to someone else, and not sound so awful or whiny or pathetic.
Nothing has turned out the way I thought it might. I find myself happy and sad at the same time.
I’m nostalgic for my life before I moved and I’m missing those beautiful and wonderful people who have given me so much in the last three years, while also loving the fresh start I’ve been given. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy or fulfilled in all aspects of my life, and yet guilt seeps in for how easily and readily I’ve slipped into this small town life. I don’t know how to explain the dichotomy I’ve found myself in, but I’m trying.
I’m still learning how to let go, to let myself be happy. I’m trying my best to give myself a chance and not be so hard on myself for doing something for me instead of trying to please everyone else. But I want them to be happy too. So I’m stuck, for now, but not forever.
Do you ever feel stuck between the old and the new? How do you move forward? Tell us below!
Devin has a degree in education with a focus in English. She is working to publish her first collection of poetry while also learning the art of patience. Her passions include Doctor Who, penguins, hats and scarves, potatoes, dancing, photography, and making people happy. She believes in the healing powers of music, spending time in the great outdoors, and a good night sleep.
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