Rainy Day Epiphany

I was cuddled up in hugs (not to be confused with a huggie), sipping a delicious, hot latte listening to the rain pouring down outside my window. Seeing as it rains five times a year in Los Angeles, it's quite a mysterious and welcome phenomenon. That being said, the rain always puts me in a pensive mood. Maybe it's the mesmerizing pitter-patter or dark moody sky, but something about it always gets my mind thinking about life. And by life, I literally mean every single aspect. From love to work, to my dismal attempts to achieve any real form of balance, to my latest rant, favorite new blog and the evaluation of my unrealistic as well as unending "To Do" list.

While I love the rain, I’m also frustrated by the “analysis paralysis” plaguing our generation. I find that the amount of thinking I do about thinking is insanity-inducing. I play out every possible scenario in hopes of making the “right choice” in life, to avoid disappointment, side-step failure and outwit mistakes. The only problem is it’s easy to be a spectator in our own lives and not actually do anything when you’re chronically evaluating every possible situation.

I think life can be scary in this arena and no matter how many times we're told that we can't control things, we try endlessly to do so in spite of knowing it's impossible. Maybe we're after stability or a sense of confidence that we have some sort of say over our lives, our future, or our success. For me, the notion of complete surrender is terrifying. Ironically, the only constant in life, the only thing we can absolutely count on is that change is and will forever be woven into the fabric of life's tapestry. If only I could accept change more easily and with less attitude.

So for my girls out there seeking desperately for the answer to whether or not “they are the one” or whether you’ll ever find love, get the job, that raise, forgive yourself, heal your broken heart, rebuild a broken friendship or just stop being so scared of everything; please know that more will be revealed. Now, I’m preaching to the choir here because I like answers. I like knowing when, where, what time, with who, for how long, what I should wear and whether there will be food or not. Patience has never been my strong suit and yet life is based on relationships and when you add another human being into any situation, it injects an unknown variable that you can never control or even anticipate.

My conclusion, in the midst of my thoughtful, rain-session was that I realized (big pause in anticipation of this life-changing epiphany) I know less and less about everything and have zero control over how things will turn out. After all, surrender to me is more a recognition of reality and is synonymous with the acceptance of what already is. In which case, surrendering is just a gift to myself since I can’t change or control anything anyway. What I do know, however is that I want to live life fully. I want to do more and think less. I want to love recklessly even if it means a broken heart at the end of the road and I want to have faith in people regardless of how many give me reason to doubt. I want to work my ass off even if I’m not guaranteed success, to have the audacity to go for it (whatever “it” is in that moment) and to not just step out of, but leap out of my comfort zone.

You see, if I’m being honest, I fight not being scared all the time. I want to make the right decisions in life, I want to be liked and preferably, make no mistakes along the way. The reality is if that’s really my goal, I’m setting myself up for failure — in every aspect of the word. What's even worse is that my fear is brought to fruition by the mere attempt to sign up for impossibility. So instead, I surrender to imperfection, to life on life’s terms and not my own. I can’t promise you I'll win this battle tomorrow, but I know that on that drizzly, water-logged afternoon, I gave up my pursuit of answers and accepted the ambiguity of a life without having “figured it all out.” C'est la vie my dear…and in the meantime, give yourself permission to just be. I truly believe the rest will figure itself out.Images courtesy of Layoutsparks.com, Ccechildren.wordpress.com

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