My So-Called Life as a Crazy Goddess

Throughout my twenties, I worked diligently to achieve all of the things I assumed would bring me happiness. Number one in my company at a six-figure sales job? Check. House on the beach? Check. Quirky, Internet-tycoon boyfriend? Check. Calendar filled with an endless stream of parties, events, and vacations? Check, check, check.

Despite attaining society's definition of success, I found myself escaping reality with excessive partying, apathetic about doing things I couldn't guarantee I'd be good at, and exhausted from trying to uphold the image of my so-called perfect life. Little did I know that busting my tail at my job was merely a cover for the heavy lifting I was doing as a part of one of the hardest working unions in history, the Crazy Goddesses.

Here's the Crazy Goddess manifesto:

The Crazy Goddess believes she is not whole without a man and is more fearful of being alone than staying in a relationship even when it isn't great.

Instead of taking care of herself, the Crazy Goddess runs around trying to heal everyone else in a fruitless attempt to really make it better for her.

The Crazy Goddess believes that any substantial amount of wealth comes from males.

The Crazy Goddess places the majority of her self-worth on her appearance, but since time stops for nobody, as the years pass, she goes even crazier in her attempts to hold onto her fading youth.

The Crazy Goddess competes with other girls, while feeling threatened by talented and beautiful women.

The Crazy Goddess wants more than anything to be perfect because only then will she gain approval and acceptance.

I came to understand that somewhere along the line, I’d accepted an invalidation that being me just wasn’t enough. And with my competitive nature, I believed that whatever I’d create on my own would never be good enough. So, my best bet was to get a corporate job with little risk of failure, find a beautiful man to make babies with, and then everyone would say, “What a perfect life she has!”

Mind you, I didn’t consciously know I was doing these things at the time. For me, it registered as “I love this man more than anything and I can’t imagine my life without him.” And while my relationship was far from ideal, in true Crazy Goddess fashion, I clung to it like a tenacious barnacle, convinced that I was doing what was best for me. I mean, I had it all, right?

While I can’t pinpoint where I picked up the message that “success” means having a smart, wealthy mate and the ability to prance around the globe wearing red-bottomed shoes, for some reason I’d unquestionably accepted this as true. Eventually our six-year relationship fell apart because, as it turns out, a woman living her dreams is sexy and a woman living her man’s dreams for him is not. And so began a very humbling inward search to find that voice I’d silenced so many years ago in an attempt to be a perfect people-pleaser desperate for approval and acceptance.

I found that what I thought I valued greatly differed from what the authentic me values. I can still appreciate a home on the beach and not having to worry about finances, but I learned that perfection is an illusion manipulated for the glossy pages of a magazine. The juiciest part of life, the place where growth occurs, is when we dare to step outside of our comfort zone and follow the wisdom of that certain voice deep inside.

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