By: Lauren Rodriguez, Guest BloggerNovember 27, 2015
Image via upvenue.com
I thought heartbreak at 30 would be so different from the heartbreaks of my youth. I was so sure that this strong, independent female that I’d groomed over the years would be prepared for pain of any proportion. She wasn’t. The sting of the most recent and biggest betrayal of my life has cut me just as deep as the heartbreaks of my wonder years. I have to say, that I don’t think I handled this one any better than I handled previous heartbreaks.
When I was younger, I reacted to world shattering heartbreak a lot like this:
“MY HEART IS COMPLETELY DESTROYED IT’S LITERALLY BREAKING AND IT’S NEVER GOING TO BE THE SAME I AM DYING. I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN.”
This was usually followed by intense sobbing sessions, Mystic Pizza marathons (I think I’m showing my age here but every young woman should see this movie at least once), and junk food binges. This time wasn’t any different, I reacted exactly this same way, and I felt disappointed in myself. Where was my strength?! Where was all that independent woman fierceness that I’d
developed over the years of self-discovery and soul searching? I stayed in bed for days. I ignored my family and friends. I cried so much I emptied myself. I just completely shut down. Who was this weepy mess?
Even weepy messes are human, and being in that kind of pain means you have a heart, so after being mad at myself for being a weepy mess, I embraced my weepy messiness, and let myself feel every part of it.
Having your heart broken is actually a very grown-up kind of pain. When we’re young, I’m not sure we can fully process just how huge a blow it really is to be hurt by someone on an extreme level. I’m not belittling the heartbreaks of our youth here; I just think that as we gain more life experience, we come to have a deeper understanding of what being betrayed really means to us, which unfortunately means we feel it all so much more.
There was one difference with this adulthood heartbreak, though. I got really angry, and that anger unleashed a meanness I didn’t know resided in me. I closed up and I became really mean. I allowed the hurt to change me, and that part is something I have had to take responsibility for. After nearly a year of being at war with this pain, I am finally getting to a place where I am opening back up, and I am trying to forgive.
I’ve chosen to forgive him for the pain he’s caused me, even though I can’t forget it, yet. I’ve chosen to forgive myself for letting the pain change me so much. I’m only human, after all! This heartbreak has taught me above all else that we can’t completely protect ourselves from pain, but we can choose what we do with that pain.
When you need to reach most for resilience and strength, what do you do? What does that look like? Tell us about it below!
I love soaking up new people and new experiences. I'm an artist, photographer, actress, and a dreamer. I usually write in run on sentences because I live a run on life!! I tend to be dramatic, impulsive, and I eat more Mexican food than any one person probably should! I love traveling and I almost always have my camera hanging off my shoulder!
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