By Dana Zillgitt, Regular Contributor
It’s funny how when you’re doing brilliantly, your first love wants to come waltzing back into your life, no questions asked, like nothing ever happened. Without divulging too many skeletons, the boy broke my heart into what felt like a million little pieces. He broke up with me by saying he wasn’t “emotionally ready” for a girl like me. And shamefully, it too me longer than I care to admit to heal, to move on, and to actually understand that it wasn’t a be all end all. And that sometimes, first loves aren’t meant to last.
It’s been about two years since we’ve spoken and even longer since we’ve actually been in the same room as each other. And a part of me will probably always love him but we’re destructive together. We’re olive oil and water, a level-5 hurricane without any signs of slowing down at landfall. But every time he’s single or comes up for air, he circles back to me. And part of me still falls for that careless smile of his.
But I am not a plaything to be dropped and forgotten about. I’m not a backburner dime and it took me years to not only understand that, but to truly believe it as well. I may be a complicated mess at times but I will always love deeply and unabashedly. I will always need you less but I will always give you everything. And I deserve someone that I not only feel I can give everything to but someone who can do the same for me as well. And with this boy, I was ready but seemingly his words wouldn’t line up with his actions any time soon.
Love is a messy business and it’s terrible at times. But from what I’ve heard, it’s worth it in the end. And as my grandmother always told me, “living well is the best revenge.” Time to put that old adage to the test and see if I can get the snake out of my boot sometime soon.
Past relationships can bring up complex feelings and behaviors. How do you work through the pull to the past while also staying true to your integrity now? Share your story here!
Dana has her BA in International Affairs & Spanish as well as a mild obsession with rescue animals and all things caffeinated. She’s mastered the art of the selfie, fort building, and even the sass battle. Plus, she can quote 95% of Anchorman and Zoolander.
image via whoisamberjanae.com