By: Maxine Fournier, Guest Blogger
I vaguely remember my surroundings when he uttered the words “I can’t move in with you,” but the anger and worry that shook me to the core is still fresh in my mind. The thought of moving in with my best friend had been the focus I needed during the past few months. Without warning, my hands clenched into fists and I felt everything around me turn blurry. All I could concentrate on were his words reverberating in my head like echoes in a deep valley.
Once the initial shock dissipated, I found myself standing there. Still. My eyes were staring blankly at his shadow – the shadow of a person I fell in love with. Which is exactly what he was: a shadow. A shadow of the future, our future, together. A shadow of a dear friend to whom I had confided in over and over again. Although he was standing there, barely two feet away from me, I had never felt so distant.
The days and weeks following this gut-wrenching event superimposed themselves as an endless cycle of sorrow and reflection. I was able to ease the pain by immersing myself in shameless Netflix marathons, coffee dates with girlfriends, and a bit of retail therapy. Through all of this chaos, I am, and will be eternally thankful for my friends and family. Their support has been the cornerstone of my healing process.
Even with the help and support from those around me, nighttime is still the very moment I dreaded the most, and still do. I would get very anxious and couldn’t stop my mind from spinning. Although there are many nights I contemplated and re-examined the clichéd “coulda-woulda-soulda,” I mostly reflected on four areas: trust, fight, forgiveness, and focus.
Trust. In my opinion, one of the defining moments of falling in love is the ability to trust someone with the most fragile thing you own: your heart. You trust they will take care of it and respect it, but most of all you trust they will not break it. I trusted him and sometimes, in my darkest moments, I am afraid I won’t be able to trust again for fear of being heartbroken once more. Nonetheless, I am determined not to let that get in my way and if there’s one thing that can defeat fear, it’s determination.
Fight. What a strong and impactful word, right? I mean, to fight for something or someone is the courage to put everything on the line despite the vulnerability of knowing that by doing so, it won’t necessarily turn out the way you had hoped for. BUT, you’re still willing to take a chance. To fight is more than to put your fists up and throw a punch, but rather standing up for what you believe in. For what you deserve. I will fight for those I love, fight for what I stand for, but most of all, I will never stop fighting for me.
Forgive. The one thing I am most disappointed about my breakup is uttering four words – four words that have haunted me for a while now. “I. Will. Do. Anything.” I felt so angry and upset with myself for letting myself sink that low. I dislike the thought of handing over so much power to someone who has decided you are not worth fighting for. They say in order to move on, you must forgive. I forgive myself for losing sight of what’s important and what I deserve. We’re humans and we all make mistakes and instead of resenting what I said, I choose to forgive.
Focus. A person’s true self shines through during the most difficult times, and from what I can tell, I am someone who is willing to bend over backwards for those I care about the most and being thoughtful is a great quality to have. However, this very quality is my BIGGEST flaw. If being too thoughtful is even a thing then, I totally get it. I enjoy doing, making, buying, and planning things for those I love and even more so for the person I am with. I often get so caught up in pleasing them I completely forget about what I want, what I need, and what is best for me. My plan for these upcoming weeks and months is to refocus my energy on self-discovery. It’s nice to be thoughtful towards others, but sometimes we need to be thoughtful towards ourselves.
Our characters, personalities, and strengths are tested during the most difficult times (or in some cases, life changing events). But ultimately, it’s not those worst times that define you, it’s how we deal with them. I’m choosing to deal with this testing situation by fighting, forgiving, and re-focusing. I am fighting for the one who will be by my side forever and I am choosing to forgive myself and move on.
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Maxine recently graduated with a B.A. in Communications and Business Administration. Her time in University thought her many things, but she’s eager to get my hands a bit dirty and test the waters of the “Real World”. As far as her everyday life goes, she enjoys reading and writing… a lot. More often than not, you can find her tucked away in her favorite coffee shop as she writes various pieces for her blog www.theluckoutlet.wordpress.com