By: Devin Riggs, Regular Contributor
I’ve never been able to explain you to others, how you flood my thoughts and infest my mood with deep dark paralysis and overwhelming despair. The control you have over me leaves me speechless. The words always tangle on my tongue in a knot tied by fear and rejection and misunderstanding and hopelessness. Even when I manage to break the restraints, no one can fully emphasize. Some try, and I love them for it, but it never fills me up completely. Because of you, I still don’t know what it feels like to be whole.
I’ve let you steal hours, days, weeks, even months from me. Every day I struggle with your constant knocking; your persistent and overwhelming presence. You are always here sitting beside me, sleeping in my bed, laughing quietly amongst my friends. You never truly leave. I’m always aware of your presence, catlike and mischievous, smirking at me from across the room, taunting my resolve to resist you. You mark me with subtlety, so it’s hard to prove that you really do exist. Just because you haven’t left any scars doesn’t mean that you haven’t hurt me.
I crave other people to distract me from you but feel inept and out of touch in a crowded room. I find myself exhausted in my effort to push against your onslaught or merely ignore you. I am so tired from fighting you. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t just give up.
I’m still learning the intricacies of forgiving myself for that.
For a long time I was too scared to face you, too scared to speak up, too ashamed for letting you win for so long. I can finally admit that you have beaten me far more often than I have beaten you. I have lost so much to you, and I refuse to let you take anymore.
I am ready to fight.
There will be no hiding places. No excuses. No rest days. I will come at you with everything I have. I will not sink to your level of trickery but face you head on with my shoulders back and my heart open.
I am rallying the troops.
I will hold nothing back. Everyone is going to know what you’ve done. I will tell them of your weaknesses. I will tell them of your illusions. We will be prepared. They will gather at the frontline, fierce and unyielding to prove we are not your toys to play with.
I am taking back my moments. I am taking back my life.
So this is your final warning. Get out now. Get out quick. I am coming for you, determined to not just survive, but to thrive.
This is my battle cry.
Let's chat! How do you handle the anxiety of life? How do you plan on fighting back? Tell us about it here!
Devin has a degree in education with a focus in English. She is working to publish her first collection of poetry while also learning the art of patience. Her passions include Doctor Who, penguins, hats and scarves, potatoes, dancing, photography, and making people happy. She believes in the healing powers of music, spending time in the great outdoors, and a good night sleep.
image via icouldcrybutidonthavetime.com