Kayla Stott and her son, Lucas

“Denial.” That was the first response Kayla Stott felt when she found out she was pregnant at 16 years old. While most teens were concerned about studying for exams, preparing to get a driver’s license, and discussing the latest gossip, Stott was buying diapers and commencing her biggest life change to date. Nine months later, on the eve before giving birth in March 2008, she sat gazing down at her enlarged belly and imagined how a baby would transform her life. Now, nearing her son’s second birthday, Stott is a “strong believer that everything happens for a reason” and has drawn incredible strength and positivity from his birth.

Not only has Stott been able to have her son, Lucas, and graduate from high school on-time with her classmates, but she has also faced tremendous adversity and judgment. “I may be a young mom, but I’m a good mom,” she states. “Age does not always determine maturity.” Stott is actively pursuing her return to college this year to continue her education and reach her personal ambitions.

A strong advocate against unprotected sex, Stott encourages teens to consider the responsibility that comes with the action. Yet, for those young mothers out there that feel alone, she offers words of advice.

“It takes a lot of strength to be a mom and you need to feel confident in what you are doing,” Stott explains. “It’s a journey that has many ups and downs, and it is a road that the majority of young girls don’t have to take. Yet there are many of us out there and I know from all the teen mothers I’ve met that we are willing to stand by each other and help out in any way, shape or form.” Stott believes that a strong family support system is important, but there are networks of “mom-and-tot” groups that can be equally supportive and informative.

The best part of being a mother for Stott has been the unconditional love Lucas has taught her. “It is so rewarding to see him learn the things I am teaching him and to watch him grow and change into an amazing little man!” He has provided Stott with a more positive outlook on life than she could have anticipated. She lives by the motto: “If you get a chance ― take it. If it changes your life ― let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.”

As Stott approaches her twentieth birthday, I salute her for raising a beautiful son and continuing to persevere through trial and tribulation. It’s time to abolish the stereotypes of teen mothers and support a healthy upbringing for our next generation, rather than condemning life choices. We all have weaknesses and make mistakes, but what could be deemed a mistake by some can prove to be the miracle that provides confidence to overcome whatever life throws at us.

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Image courtesy of Vedran Lanc

Well, the festive season seems to happen earlier each year. I always find a shopping outfit the trickiest of beasts. Here in the UK warmth is of great importance, but going in and out of well-heated stores can result in steamy unpleasantness. Thin layers, teamed with easily removable scarves are the way to go, and I opted for a thin thermal vest under a black fitted cashmere jersey, tucked into high-waisted skinny jeans and my faithful caramel flat calf leather boots. Rather than a bulk coat, which can impinge your ability to squeeze by the rotund lady in her 50s who spotted that must-have Hermes scarf moments before you did, a couple of well-placed scarves, mixing silk against the skin with a rough knit wool over the top, allows warmth and maneuverability.

Gifts purchased, work done, I’ve had ample time this month to catch up with friends. It was my dear friend LB that got me thinking over green tea and nostalgic music from our youth one evening as we got to talking about love. LB’s recent romantic disappointments have left her despondent, and we discussed where we thought we’d be as we headed towards 30. This generation, more so than any other, seem to be settling later, opting for career advancement over procreation, world travel over wedded bliss. But are we happy? Is this almost petulant independence creating true fulfillment? Financial freedom is certainly empowering, but from my experience many young women still crave the affectionate dependence that a relationship tenders. Having both, it seems, is the dream of most 20-somethings. But is it possible in a world where dedication and commitment are more regularly associated with job loyalty than love? In a world where world travel is so often a part of a vocation, working long hours, weekends and holidays are part and parcel of “making it,” is there really room for a mutually fulfilling and satisfying relationship?

Later in the month, I had the chilly experience of attending an outdoor Winter Wonderland-themed fashion show (necessitating a gigantic fur hat and floor-length plum coat with thick black patent leather cinch belt). Spending the evening with one of the freelance photographers I regularly cover events with, RH, talk of a recent job offer had the topic of success once again rearing its uncomfortable head. She had been offered the opportunity to work in the Far East for a while, much to her boyfriend’s dismay. Having been together for three years, co-habited for two, their relationship was plodding along quite satisfactorily. But since when has satisfactory ever been adequate? These days, dizzying, dangerously delicious love has become the baseline to which all else is measured. Comfortable partnerships are quickly dismissed as boring or unfulfilling. But this hasn’t always been the case. In a world of profligate and decadent consumerism, women expect fireworks, and anything else has us impatient and complaining. I wonder if this will make us happy in the long run.

Until next time, stay beauty-full, ladies!

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Image of Liz Tigelaar (center) courtesy of the CW

As a little girl growing up in an adoptive family, Liz Tigelaar often fantasized about who her birth parents were. Since she was born in Washington D.C., she somehow convinced herself that her birthmother was Nancy Reagan, to the shock and horror of her liberal parents. In all seriousness, Tigelaar admits she spent a lot of her young life thinking about “the idea of who people are [in general] and who are those people out there just like me?”

Such questioning often resulted in her looking inside herself for the answers. However, it is that kind of deep introspection that, in turn, causes one to grow up a bit before his or her time. Tigelaar used such early maturity to become one of the youngest showrunners currently writing and producing original programming for network television. After getting her start as an intern on Dawson’s Creek, Tigelaar grew with the then-WB into the hip-and-now CW to act as consulting producer on Melrose Place in addition to her own Life Unexpected. 

“I feel like I’ve drawn from my own life, in that there are just those themes and ideas that run through my life as an adopted kid,” Tigelaar explains regarding the concept for a show about a teenage foster care kid who gets placed late in life with her birthparents. “But I’ve also always been really into coming of age stories. And this is a twist in that the adopted child is the one who will raise [her parents], and as [they] begin to mature and grow up, their daughter really gets to grow down, so to speak, and be a kid again.”

Tigelaar speaks of her creation with pure excitement and pride, like a young mother watching her baby take its first steps. If she is speaking from experience about being the adult when she was just a kid, she does so with the same amount of honest cheerfulness with which she approaches everything else.

Actor Kristoffer Polaha, who plays the male lead on her show, remarks that the best part of the job is working for Liz. “She’s an amazing leader and really makes us feel like we’re a part of a team,” he testifies. “We have a real feeling of collaboration [on set] and that makes everyone do their best work.”

Tigelaar is single-handedly changing the way critics look at artists from her generation. Instead of getting caught up in trends or choosing flash and style over substance, she goes for heartfelt and unique stories that are universal. Moreover, she does it while checking any ego at the door.

It takes talent to succeed in Hollywood, but her genuine love for what she does and her willingness to collaborate is what makes her one of the most sought-after, behind-the-scenes talents in television. Up-and-comers should take careful notes from Tigelaar’s handbook if they want to achieve similar success.

Danielle Turchiano is a freelance writer/producer living in Los Angeles. She is extremely excited to once again be a part of the i am that girl organization with her bi-weekly “Inspirational Women of the Entertainment Industry” column. More of her musings on film and television can be found on her personal Web site: http://www.danielletbd.blogspot.com/ If you have suggestions for who she should profile in future columns, feel free to leave a comment!

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Image courtesy of lerv

The third Thursday in November is the official start of the “Holiday” season. The season creates an extra level of love in the air for everyone. Even those who do not celebrate this Christian holiday feel the frenzy of goodwill towards all of humankind.

I kicked off my holiday season during an intense transition in my life, commonly known as a “breakup.” Not wanting to spend the day of gratitude with my roommate/ex-boyfriend, I took a road trip to spend the day with a BFF from High School. Anyone who has ever gone through an “intense transition/breakup” knows the true value of a good old fashioned pig-out, a few adult beverages and girl time. 

This Thanksgiving provided the therapy and fresh air I needed to push through my intense transition and frenzy of goodwill for the next month or so. 

My BFF I spent the day with an extremely brilliant woman who happens to date other women. I was able to spend this day of gratitude making lots of new friends who do not share the same taste in partners, but who did share the same “You Go Girl” attitude.

I must admit, walking into a room of lesbians was a bit intimidating at first. I don’t know if I was intimidated because I knew that these women possibly possessed an unfamiliar strength, or because I would be the only heterosexual woman. 

Within minutes of walking into the room, I felt at peace. All of the women were extremely friendly and supportive of one another. It was a much different vibe compared to walking into a room of heterosexual women. There was no sense of cattiness, nobody cared that my jeans were $200, what I did for a living, how many guys I had slept with, or who I was there with. We discussed politics, fashion and celebrities, cracked jokes and made plans to save the world one woman at a time. 

The group of women I spent Thanksgiving with had tapped into the strength of this Sisterhood and they were united as women. What exactly are they doing to tap into this? How can we as heterosexual women build the same sort of alliance? I don’t think we need to change our sexual preferences to gain this strength. I believe that these women share a common denominator, their sexuality, which helped unite them. 

What is our common denominator? What link are we missing to build our alliance as women? I will continue to look within my relationship circles for this answer and work on building stronger relationships with the women in my life to try and tap into this. I hope that if you are taking the time to read this, you too will try and tap into this as well.

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I totally sabotaged my relationship. He was smart, attractive, and brought out the best in me. Dating was great. It was casual but, at the same time, we weren’t seeing anyone else…and then he called me his girlfriend I freaked out. What was it about that word that made me unconsciously ruin an amazing relationship? The same reason so many other young women freak out: fear.

Fear can rear its ugly head in a variety of different ways especially when you become close with someone. We think of excuses to dislike the person, come up with ridiculous reasons to be single, and, in the end, we are uttering the regrettable words “they were the one that got away.” He didn’t “get away” if you pushed him out of your life. So what are we doing?

Common Excuses:

• “I need to find myself.” Really? Where have you been? You are with yourself everyday, if you pull this card, it is as immature as cheating. When you get in a relationship, this person should be a complement to who you are, currently. A healthy relationship will allow you to grow together. If you want to end it, use a better excuse.
• “I’ve been burned before.” Who hasn’t? If you’ve been in a relationship that was damaging, you are more than likely going to be fearful of a new, healthy one.  Explain this to your partner. Take it slow, but don’t end something that could be wonderful out of fear. Take a risk; see what happens. If not, you’ll always be wondering what could have been.
• “The grass is greener on the other side.” Do you ever go out with your single friends and they convince you that you were “more fun” when you were not in a relationship? But all it takes is a good talk with a single friend who is complaining about the awkward one-night stand she had last week to send you straight back to reality.
• Commitment = Suffocation. Nope, not really. Many women stray from getting into serious relationships because they fear it will be the end of their independence. If this is the case and your partner is preventing you from living your own life, then that is a warning sign to get out.  But if it’s just your fear that you will have to marry this one, take a deeper look at what is causing you to think this way. He may not be thinking this at all.

I was lucky. When I started to pull the “I’m not ready card,” he called me out. He said he knew I was afraid of commitment because I had been burned in the past. He knew my surly attitude was due to the fact that I was trying to push him away. He told me, “If you do this with every guy you meet, you’re going to attract men who disrespect you. If you push all the good ones away, you are only setting yourself up for failure.” I was floored, but guess what? I realized he was right.

photo by katie tegtmeyer

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I never intended to keep my own last name — taking my husband’s moniker was one of the few marriage traditions I never thought to contest. Recently though, I started to feel a little sad about replacing my name, which has always defined me.

Unlike my blue eyes and light brown hair, my last name reveals my Italian heritage. Generations of Platinos still gather Sunday afternoon to the house my father was raised in for a relaxing day of homemade sauce, meatballs and watching the youngsters play tee ball in the front yard. We still prepare eleven fish dishes for Christmas Eve and love nothing more than family and food — which we are loud, emotional and passionate about.

Soon I will be Laura Shields. It sounds pretty great, and I am honored to be a Shields. Ben’s family is amazing and beautiful. It isn’t about taking his name as much as it is about losing mine. I will mourn the loss because without it, and without big brown eyes, dark hair or any classic Italian features, my cultural authenticity is not evident. I like people knowing I am Italian because it is something I am proud of, and truly cherish.

My sister assured me the panic would pass, but she can’t exactly relate with her big beautiful brown eyes, dark thick hair and a name change from Platino to Polvino.

So I started coming up with alternatives. What if Ben took my name? What if I hyphenated? I could keep my own name and Ben would hold onto his. The last option seemed the most acceptable so I began making a case for keeping my name. After all, wouldn’t it complicate my writing career if I change my name? Would I have to submit stories or my screenplay under a new name?

A week of mulling it over ended when I was going through a box of pictures I pulled out of my closet. I held up one taken a few years ago at the Shields’ annual 4th of July family gathering. I remember them making me put on a matching T-shirt one of the cousins had made for everyone to celebrate that year and then pulling me into the frame. They were my family even back then, before the thought of marriage had crossed our minds. I realized, sitting in my room surrounded by pictures of my family and his, that I wasn’t losing anything. The pasta, the kisses on both cheeks, the eleven-course Christmas dinners and everything else that comes along with my Italian family wouldn’t suddenly disappear. My last name would still exist even if my checks or library card said differently.

Now I’m looking forward to the traditions, quirks and adventures of being a Shields. I still want to pay tribute to my maiden name though, so I’m having Ben tattoo “Platino” in tiny letters on my wrist.

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“I wish he was…”
“Why isn’t he like…”
“Why can’t he be more…”

These sentences kept monopolizing the conversation when a group of girlfriends and I had lunch the other day. No matter how hard we tried to change the subject, this one kept creeping back in.

In the beginning of relationships, it’s absolutely romantic and thrilling. Your eyes meet. Butterflies  in your stomach. Loss of breath. Late night talks. A permanent smile across your face. Then your hands touch for the first time. It’s absolutely perfect. Anything more than the warmth of each other’s hands might spoil the moment.

You’re excited and accepting of everything the other person is. They explain their flaws and it just makes you care for them more.

Two weeks. A couple of months. Possibly a year.

Your “idea” of them starts to dwindle away and your eyes begin to open. The exhilarating feeling is slowly subsiding. Something new is making its way into the relationship: comfort.

Why do we automatically think that the sensation of comfort and the everyday is necessarily a bad thing? Why do we associate the next level of a relationship to be mundane?

It doesn’t help that our memorable romantic characters, like Bella and Edward, Nick and Norah, Sookie and Bill, are constantly living in a relationship surrounded by non-stop passion. We rarely get the experience to witness their everyday. Maybe because the majority of people believe that’s the boring part of relationships.

Then we start to think, is it time to leave? Or maybe we should help change the other person?

As women, we need to stop playing dress up with our significant other. We are automatically drawn to the role of fixer upper. I do this all the time… and I’m married!

We need to learn how to compromise. And I don’t mean compromise the other person and groom them to what we would like them to become. Compromise. Meaning WE need to let go of our bad habits and meet them half way.

I don’t claim to be some relationship guru but I do see what I’m doing and what my friends tend to do with their partners. It’s futile and, if we keep at it (regardless of if we’re married or dating, engaged or just talking), we’ll be alone soon.

I didn’t even realize that I was putting unrealistic expectations on my hubby until that troubling luncheon with my girlfriends. That’s when I took the time to revisit why I originally fell in love. All those little flaws I used to love.

After days of wondering how I have accumulated a laundry list of changes for my husband, it finally dawned on me.

His faults are why I fell for him. They’re why I still love him. They’re what made him human. They’re why he needs me. And my faults are part of why I need him. They’re why we are partners.

photo by ximena s. lennon

dating, friendship, guys, love, marriage, partner, relationship, significant other Hide

There are three types of men who many of us (unfortunately) have dated. But, when we’re in these toxic relationships we don’t see it—I know I’ve been there. If I had listened to the wisdom of my friends, and my gut instincts, I would have saved myself some serious time, not to mention heartache.

The Narcissist. This guy chews you up and spits you out—leaving you feeling like a lost puppy, and no idea how it happened. In the beginning, he appears like prince charming, but once you’re infatuated, he uses you to boost his ego.

• He assumes you’re down with his plans. Since when did your date nights turn into sports bars with his friends?
• He belittles you for having different opinions or attempts to make you feel wrong. “I can’t believe you’re mad at me for sleeping on her couch rather than driving after drinking! We’re just friends; you’re so crazy.”
• He avoids conversations in which he has to be emotionally responsible.
• His attempts to “talk about” the relationships come in the form of emails, text messages, or worse yet, no contact at all.

The Cling-On. We mistake his over-attentiveness for a genuine connection. When we look back it’s clear he really just needs another person to feel complete.

• He refers to guy friends in the “past tense” and rarely hangs out with other men.
• Weekend plans consist of you, you, you, work, or family engagements.
• He has a history of “serious relationships,” and has been engaged or married multiple times.
• In the first weeks or months of the relationship, he wants to make serious plans such as plan a vacation, meet the family, give you a key to his place, or even move-in.
• When you begin to assert space, it becomes a “relationship crisis” and he must be reassured.

The Controller. His over-protectiveness is charming…at first. Then you begin to realize that his need to be in control is really insecurity. Your friends start disappearing and you’re left feeling suffocated.

• He needs to be aware of what you are up-to. Multiple calls or texts, showing up without calling (stalking you) when you make plans with friends or family.
• He is allowed to hang with his buddies, but makes you feel guilty for wanting girl time or personal space.
• You find yourself logging out of email accounts and locking your phone to protect your privacy and dispel fights.
• Makes you feel responsible for his emotional well-being.

The important thing to realize here, girls, is that these guys won’t change. It’s true that these toxic characteristics can be healthy, but only in small doses.  As we all know, too much of a good thing can actually be a red flag for future failure in relationships. Be aware, smart, and listen to the advice of your girlfriends because it’s usually easier to see these warning signs from the outside.

photo by michael lokner

control, dating, emotional health, guys, narcissist, prince charming, relationship Hide

I stopped honking my horn a couple of years ago. These days, when I arrive at a friend’s house to pick them up, I type “here” on my cell phone key pad and push send. I send instant picture messages of things I see rather than describing them later, I text myself reminders instead of writing on my hand and I send mass invitations to my whole contact list so as not to exclude anyone. Texting is pretty darn convenient. Still, I’ve heard horror stories of texting debacles that have actually ruined relationships and I’ve experienced a few of my own mishaps that have encouraged me to be a little more cautious with my thumbs. Before you push send, heed some of the following advice:

Anger management. Face to face, even at the peak of rage, there is a split second before you say something terribly cruel when you anticipate the face of your opponent crinkling in sadness or hurt and either decide to go for it or soften the blow. It seems that the absence of a real person in front of you makes it easier to say something really awful — something you might regret or feel badly about later. Before you hit send, make sure you’re saying something you truly mean.

Sorry, wrong number. Once I had some real juicy gossip about friend #1 that I had to tell friend #2. Since friend #1 was on my mind, I inserted her address instead of friend #2’s. Oops….I had some serious explaining to do. If I had just made a real phone call I would have recognized friend #1’s voice immediately and pretended I had called for some other reason.

Remember etiquette. Relationships you don’t want to ruin: the one with the barista at your local coffee shop, the waitress at your favorite diner or the bartender at the watering hole you frequent. They are easy to maintain by simply being polite. Texting while you order, ignoring her questions while you text and making her wait to pay for your drinks while you check your phone is rude. If you want good service, be a good customer.

You don’t always hold the key. That lock feature can sure bite you in the bum later on. You can’t use “I never said for sure I would come to your play,” or “I never promised I would drive you to the airport” if it’s saved on someone’s phone. It’s practically a binding contract.

Avoid alienation. If you are texting your boyfriend through dinner with your best friend while she’s filling you in on her life, you might as well say, “I kind of care what you have to say, but not really.” Texting seems more civil in some way because it feels less intrusive, like you aren’t interrupting someone else’s story — but you are.

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As most of you know, I grew up in a locker room of living rooms, aka a household with four older brothers. In high school, when I’d come home I’d more often than not walk into a living room of 15 guys playing video games, none of which were even my brothers. We kind of had a revolving door and it only shifted into the Jones College frat house as we got older.

And the beauty of growing up in the Jones’ household was that, more often than not, I gained fly on the wall status so I was privy to the real conversations guys have when they think no girls are listening. While these conversations would shock you, I truly think that they would give you insight to a sex that is so unbelievably unlike us that it’s fascinating to wonder how we’re ever supposed to find love with one another when we’re as different as birds and fish.

Either way, in college I was the “dude translator.” I grew a reputation for being the girl who could decipher the code that is man thought. Then it occurred to me that if there were more direct communication between men and women, we could drop the games, the mind manipulation and the miscommunication. I know way too many girls who have spent WAY too much time trying to figure out what he meant by the awkward hug at the end of the night.

The time we spend thinking about what he is actually thinking about is consuming, futile, and, 99% of the time, WRONG. So, rather than continue having the blind leading the blind, I figured, why not have an event where we bring in guys who will be honest, candid and forthright to give us insight into the brotherhood of masculinity?

Immediately I called up a few high profile boys here in Los Angeles who are also dear friends. I described the current dilemma of men and women not understanding one another. The best part is, while I thought I’d be calling in a favor, they were more than willing; in fact, they LOVED the idea.

So with that, THE MAN PANEL was created. We’re doing our first ever i am that girl event on May 31^st at the Westwood Brewing Company from 7-9pm. We’re bringing in a panel of guys and I’ll be hosting the event.

It’s the perfect girls night out and I guarantee you will not only laugh hysterically, but you’ll gain priceless insight on the male sex. Come join us and get your questions answered by the boys who know them best. It’s 15 bucks online and 18 at the door. We have a link to our Paypal account under “links” on the website and we want to get the word out so shout it from the roof tops, i am that girl presents, THE MAN PANEL… our insider’s guide to men, once and for all.

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