Toxic Bachelors and How to Spot Them
by Emily Roberts, M.A., LPC-I

There are three types of men who many of us (unfortunately) have dated. But, when we’re in these toxic relationships we don’t see it—I know I’ve been there. If I had listened to the wisdom of my friends, and my gut instincts, I would have saved myself some serious time, not to mention heartache.

The Narcissist. This guy chews you up and spits you out—leaving you feeling like a lost puppy, and no idea how it happened. In the beginning, he appears like prince charming, but once you’re infatuated, he uses you to boost his ego.

• He assumes you’re down with his plans. Since when did your date nights turn into sports bars with his friends?
• He belittles you for having different opinions or attempts to make you feel wrong. “I can’t believe you’re mad at me for sleeping on her couch rather than driving after drinking! We’re just friends; you’re so crazy.”
• He avoids conversations in which he has to be emotionally responsible.
• His attempts to “talk about” the relationships come in the form of emails, text messages, or worse yet, no contact at all.

The Cling-On. We mistake his over-attentiveness for a genuine connection. When we look back it’s clear he really just needs another person to feel complete.

• He refers to guy friends in the “past tense” and rarely hangs out with other men.
• Weekend plans consist of you, you, you, work, or family engagements.
• He has a history of “serious relationships,” and has been engaged or married multiple times.
• In the first weeks or months of the relationship, he wants to make serious plans such as plan a vacation, meet the family, give you a key to his place, or even move-in.
• When you begin to assert space, it becomes a “relationship crisis” and he must be reassured.

The Controller. His over-protectiveness is charming…at first. Then you begin to realize that his need to be in control is really insecurity. Your friends start disappearing and you’re left feeling suffocated.

• He needs to be aware of what you are up-to. Multiple calls or texts, showing up without calling (stalking you) when you make plans with friends or family.
• He is allowed to hang with his buddies, but makes you feel guilty for wanting girl time or personal space.
• You find yourself logging out of email accounts and locking your phone to protect your privacy and dispel fights.
• Makes you feel responsible for his emotional well-being.

The important thing to realize here, girls, is that these guys won’t change. It’s true that these toxic characteristics can be healthy, but only in small doses.  As we all know, too much of a good thing can actually be a red flag for future failure in relationships. Be aware, smart, and listen to the advice of your girlfriends because it’s usually easier to see these warning signs from the outside.

photo by michael lokner

control, dating, emotional health, guys, narcissist, prince charming, relationship