Extricating Yourself from the Tangle
by Emily Roberts, M.A., LPC-I, Neurogistics Practitioner

In the previous article, “The Tangled Web We Weave,” we explained what enmeshed, and co-dependent relationships are. You, or someone you love, have become so tangled there’s a fear of losing all circulation. What do you do?

You’ve decided it’s time to have your own personality again, but where do you start?

• Reconnect with old friends, or develop new friendships with co-workers.  Plan a happy hour or dinner without your better half in order to change up your routine. It will also strengthen your relationship if you are able to have friends outside of “our friends” or “us”.
• Workout, do something healthy for YOU.  Take up a class at the gym, go for a walk or run by yourself, or get a bi-weekly massage.  You can’t be your best in your relationship and life if you don’t put your needs and health first.
• If you find yourself unable to make decisions, even small ones, without the opinion of your significant other: start small. Buy a shirt you like, or pick out dinner without calling them for reassurance.

How do you gently guide your partner onto a similar (but separate) path?

• Set boundaries and compromise with your partner.  For example, “I am getting distracted at work with lots of text messages; do you think we can limit them until after 5 unless there is an emergency?”
• Depending on how sensitive your partner is, you may need to prep them before acting on any decisions, such as making dinner plans with friends or going out with the girls. Give them a head’s up so they can make their own plans.
• Visit your families, alone. Getting back to your roots will help you remember who you were without this person in your life.
• Talk to your partner about feelings without blaming them. This is the best way to begin change from both parties.

Danger Zone! You’re still in the web if you or your partner start exhibiting any of the following behaviors!

• Not being supportive of the other persons need for space.
• Untrusting behavior; texting multiple times while the other is with friends. Reading their email or looking through their phone without permission.
• Using emotional blackmail to make the decision maker feel guilty for doing something without their partner. Many women withhold sex or play the “poor me” game when they feel insecure. Withholding sex can be one of the precursors to cheating.
• Verbal or physical abuse by either person. No matter what the issue is, this is not okay and must be handled immediately.

When these red flags emerge and cannot be fixed through good communication, then it’s time to seek out professional help such as individual and couple’s counseling.  If it has pushed you too far and you are emotionally “done,” you need to leave the relationship, at least for the time being.  Seek counseling to explore reasons to learn about your relationship patterns, and how to grow individually.

photo by katie tegtmeyer

blame, dependence, enmeshed, health, independence, relationship, trust