“I wish he was…”
“Why isn’t he like…”
“Why can’t he be more…”

These sentences kept monopolizing the conversation when a group of girlfriends and I had lunch the other day. No matter how hard we tried to change the subject, this one kept creeping back in.

In the beginning of relationships, it’s absolutely romantic and thrilling. Your eyes meet. Butterflies  in your stomach. Loss of breath. Late night talks. A permanent smile across your face. Then your hands touch for the first time. It’s absolutely perfect. Anything more than the warmth of each other’s hands might spoil the moment.

You’re excited and accepting of everything the other person is. They explain their flaws and it just makes you care for them more.

Two weeks. A couple of months. Possibly a year.

Your “idea” of them starts to dwindle away and your eyes begin to open. The exhilarating feeling is slowly subsiding. Something new is making its way into the relationship: comfort.

Why do we automatically think that the sensation of comfort and the everyday is necessarily a bad thing? Why do we associate the next level of a relationship to be mundane?

It doesn’t help that our memorable romantic characters, like Bella and Edward, Nick and Norah, Sookie and Bill, are constantly living in a relationship surrounded by non-stop passion. We rarely get the experience to witness their everyday. Maybe because the majority of people believe that’s the boring part of relationships.

Then we start to think, is it time to leave? Or maybe we should help change the other person?

As women, we need to stop playing dress up with our significant other. We are automatically drawn to the role of fixer upper. I do this all the time… and I’m married!

We need to learn how to compromise. And I don’t mean compromise the other person and groom them to what we would like them to become. Compromise. Meaning WE need to let go of our bad habits and meet them half way.

I don’t claim to be some relationship guru but I do see what I’m doing and what my friends tend to do with their partners. It’s futile and, if we keep at it (regardless of if we’re married or dating, engaged or just talking), we’ll be alone soon.

I didn’t even realize that I was putting unrealistic expectations on my hubby until that troubling luncheon with my girlfriends. That’s when I took the time to revisit why I originally fell in love. All those little flaws I used to love.

After days of wondering how I have accumulated a laundry list of changes for my husband, it finally dawned on me.

His faults are why I fell for him. They’re why I still love him. They’re what made him human. They’re why he needs me. And my faults are part of why I need him. They’re why we are partners.

photo by ximena s. lennon

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Ever been soooo into your new beau, and you just can’t seem to get enough of each other, and when you finally surface for air you realize *poof* all you friends have disappeared? You’ve stumbled into the tangled mess of an overly dependent, or “enmeshed” relationship.

Tiff was a great friend in college and early in our careers. She was the one who always called first on my birthday—the friend who never missed anything.  Then, about a year ago, she began dating Joey.  Slowly I started to hear less from her, as did most of our mutual friends.  Whenever she called, it would be all about her and Joey. She missed my birthday because Joey had a lacrosse game. She forgot to call her mom for a week. She had been so busy preparing for Joey’s surprise party that her mom called me asking if I had heard from her.

Tiff and Joey were no longer separate entities but a fused couple.

Experts agree that when individuals become overly dependent on one another it’s not a healthy relationship. Partners should have separate interests, the ability to maintain healthy relationships with friends and family independent of their partner, and, most importantly, each person is a whole, not using each other to create a feeling of being whole.

Overdependence in relationships has become more common. I am sure you know a few girlfriends who graduated college, got in a relationship, and before you knew it were completely different people. When people have trust issues, difficulty establishing healthy boundaries, or are dealing with major transitions, they tend to gravitate towards others who can fulfill those needs. These people often hold the same needs to be wanted and loved unconditionally, but don’t know how to do this without the “all or nothing mentality” of an enmeshed relationship.

Before you end up bound and gagged, here are some red flags:
•    Friends and family tell you your relationship isn’t healthy, but you ignore them.
•    You “can’t get through the day” unless you talk to your significant other.
•    You argue if your feelings and opinions aren’t the same.
•    You’ve lost contact with previously good friends and family.
•    They must meet your emotional needs in order for you to feel complete.
•    You share an email/Facebook/Twitter account.
•    You’re unhappy when you are not with the other person.
•    Your call/text message log is more than 75% from (or to) your significant other.
•    You’re unable to function socially when they’re not available.

Upset, Tiff contacted me a few weeks ago.  One of her best friends from college was getting married, and she had no idea until she saw it on Facebook.  “I mean we were such good friends I can’t believe I wasn’t even invited, let alone a bridesmaid!”  She said.

“You’re right. You were good friends,”  I responded. “But now who are your friends?  I mean you can’t expect to be in a wedding if you haven’t paid attention to your friends in years!  Relationships, just like friendships, are reciprocal, at least the healthy ones are.”

photo by david blaikie

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