Image courtesy of Cdn.thefrisky.com

Cheating. It’s a taboo subject, that we generally like to avoid. No matter how committed one is in a relationship, the thought of “what if” can pop into your mind. The difference between thinking it and acting on it, however, is the defining separation between a simple thought and a cheater. I’ve enlisted the help of anonymous members from both sexes that fall into the latter category and can give insight into the art of deception. It’s important for others to recognize the signs, how to avoid temptations, and make choices that won’t put your relationship in danger.

I call it the “art” of deception not because the act of deception itself is something spectacular, but it’s rather craftily based on the discussions I conducted. Both Male X and Female Y admitted they felt remorse for their actions but neither had deliberately planned in advance to cheat on their partners. Motivations varied, but generally, both sexes agreed that something was not working with their current situation. They stress that it’s not an excuse for their behavior, but it was a factor that contributed to it.

Concealing text messages, phone calls, and e-mails are among the deceptive ways utilized by both Male X and Female Y. Male X would change the names of girls on his phone to male names and tell his girlfriend that he’d be going out with the boys. Female Y would concoct elaborate plans from taking time off work or say she was staying at a girlfriend’s place when she’d be with the other person.

Male X’s motivation was feeding off of the rush of the act; knowing the consequences but pushing the limits to see what he could get away with. Female Y’s motivation was more along the lines of emotional escapism because she had an attachment to the man she cheated with and felt she could get what was lacking from her current relationship.

Both sexes say to watch out for poor excuses for covering things up or masking who is calling and saying it was someone else. One of the biggest indications could be the lack of desire to have sex regularly. If your relationship is based on honesty, then any deviation from the norm could raise a red flag.

Both cheaters say they have reformed due in part to their way of thinking and maturity. Once the “rush” subsides, you are left with a broken relationship. They are now committed to their partners and believe honesty is always the best policy. Communication will solve many problems, so don’t be afraid to share your doubts.

Overall, I am not condoning or condemning the choices that have been made, past or future. But before you potentially act, think of the consequences of your actions. If it’s better to mend or end the current relationship you are in, and how you would feel if you found out that your partner was the one cheating.

Birds and Bees, cheating, commitment, deception, Genevieve Castonguay Hide

Image courtesy of Communicationmatters.org.uk

Anyone that has ever been through a breakup knows that the process consists of an extended course composed of several different parts. Communication theorists suggest that relationship dissolution occurs through a long-term psychological process. The actual breakup is merely a product of the four necessary stages that take place in order to unveil the underlying truth.

Social conflict and doubt are the components that often times lead to relationship dissolution. When one partner senses any sort of doubt in the other, the intrapsychic stage kicks in and partners begin to assess the relationship woes in their heads. The point of this stage is to come to terms with the dissatisfaction that is felt, but not to convey it to the partner. The person feels a sense of grievance but does not necessarily proceed to the next stage if the practice of venting or reflection is adequate in relieving the sense of negativity felt about the relationship.

Otherwise, if this lack of communication continues, dissatisfied partners move into the dyadic stage, when the dissatisfied begins to instigate a sit down to discuss the issues at hand. During this dyadic phase relational partners can assess, confront, threaten, or make amends. Either way, it is likely that each person will be confronted with unknown perspectives on the relationship presented by the other person.

And this is where I’m stuck. I’ve only had one serious relationship in my 20 years of life. I’ve never had to deal with a real breakup before, at least not one where I had actual feelings and attachment involved. After being in a relationship for almost two years, I constantly find myself wanting more and needing more from my partner. The problem is, my partner tells me I expect too much. (An idea I just can’t seem to grasp.) I don’t expect the person I’m with to bow down to my feet and kiss my toes at every step or even bring me flowers everyday, but I do expect to be treated as an equal investor.

Using what I have learned about relationship dissolution to my benefit, I now commence in interpersonal reflection more often to better understand my feelings on situations. All the relationship advice columns actually turned out to be right. Good communication flow is the optimal ingredient in making any relationship work. The majority of my relational problems stem from bad communication. Since telephones are barely used and have now been replaced by text messaging, more and more information is being lost in translation. I cannot count how many arguments I have gotten into because of some misinterpretation in a text message.

In order to survive the dyadic phase, partners must realize that singular events do not create a breakup. Disintegration is a process. A process of built up miscommunication. If you really want your relationship to work than interaction and honesty are essential.

Birds and Bees, communication, Danielle Francis, dyadic stage, intrapsychic stage Hide

Image courtesy of Jacquelineotto.com

We all trust the people we love most. We care for them and they care for us. They’re also some of the easiest people to be angry with, usually because we know no matter what happens, that love will always be there to make things right again.

Lauren Klahn was in a happy, loving two-year relationship with her boyfriend John. They fought on occasion like most couples do, but always found a way back to each other. About six months ago, however, Lauren and John came to a crossing they never expected, one Lauren wasn’t sure she’d ever get over.

John had HPV and there was a very large possibility he had passed it to her. The two years the pair had been together, John never showed any symptoms. According to HPV.com, HPV often has no signs or symptoms, therefore most infected with it don’t know they have it and often spread the virus without even knowing it.

Such was the case for John, who had received the virus from a previous girlfriend. To add insult to injury, John waited to tell Lauren about his condition for around six months after he discovered he had the virus. Lauren was crushed, angry and scared.

The questions piled up and the answers never came. Three months after the news, Lauren still hadn’t gone to get tested. She couldn’t bear to see it confirmed on paper. Things went decidedly south for John and Lauren’s relationship. No matter how many times he apologized, it seemed so wrong and so unfair. All she could think was that he was dirty, somehow contaminated. And now so was she.

After working through her issues, Lauren finally went and got tested. A few weeks later, the results came back. Lauren was positive for HPV. She cried at the words on the paper, but also felt a strange bit of relief. She had the answer in front of her, and now she could move forward, both with herself and with John.

Today, Lauren wishes to convey a message she didn’t think applied to her before her ordeal. She’d heard all the statistics; that HPV could cause cervical cancer, that there are over 30 types of HPV and that the Gardasil vaccine can help prevent certain types of HPV.

The facts are very real and should be taken seriously. According to the Centers for Disease Control Web site, HPV is so common that at least 50% of sexually active men and women get it at some point in their lives. It’s spread by genital skin-to-skin contact and can cause physical changes like warts or cancer. Not all strains of HPV cause genital warts or cancer, however, and most HPV clears on its own with only a bit of monitoring from a doctor.

Get tested and know your status. Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up if you have an issue. Grab a close friend and get to a doctor. A positive test doesn’t mean the end, just keep moving forward.

Ashley Sepanski, Birds and Bees, Centers for Disease Control, Gardasil vaccine, HPV Hide

Image courtesy of RunningThroughUrVein

Americans have gone wild about going green. Everything from cosmetics, detergents, to hybrid cars has some kind of eco-friendly undertone to it. Anything with “green appeal” seems to be the new marketing strategy, and products are flying off the shelves.

As time goes on people are becoming more and more willing to spend a little extra time and money on products they view as being greener or simply healthier.

The sex industry is one of the leading corporations in American capitalism. Grossing over $57 billion worldwide annually. There are more strip clubs in the U.S. than any other country in the world. Around 3, 829 cabarets employ over 500,000 people throughout the country, and you can’t forget about those lovely little DVDs and magazine subscriptions.

It’s plain and simple — the sex industry is a consumer-driven market. So why not bring a little green living to the bedroom?

When I think organic, the thought of food automatically pops into my head. To be considered organic something has to be produced without the help of chemicals to grow and sustain life, but how about an organic sexual appetite, the kind you can feel change you from the inside out?

This rare variety of intimacy is the type of thing people sing about and write steamy movie scripts for. It is the kind of sex that grows out of a relationship where you are as deeply connected in life as you are in the bedroom.

The foundations of our relationships are in our thoughts. Any gardener or architect for that matter will tell you, a good foundation is key in growing a new crop or creating a stable structure. Consider the soil you are building your relationship on.

Creating a language and building the trust is imperative. Being able to describe the kinds of touches that are pleasurable or painful is one of the most transformative dialogues a couple can invest in. Maintaining the flow of communication by defining certain aspects of the partnership help individuals remain on the same page.

Doing the daily work of tending to the ecosystem that is your relationship, will provide a significant surplus in cultivating the anticipated organic orgasms. Organic pleasure naturally comes out of loving relationships. Discovering that pleasure together is literally like pouring the concrete into a foundation.

OK, so you can’t just run out to the store and buy this stuff, but knowing that you have the capability to reach someone in the most intimate of ways is one of the most considerable sources of self-actualization that relationships present. Physical contact not only releases hormones and endorphins that foster health and longevity, but it also serves as the core of biological attachment.

bed, Birds and Bees, Danielle Francis, organic, orgasm, sex Hide

Image courtesy of Jupiterimages.com

We’ve all been taught how great recycling is for the environment. We use less precious resources by reusing what we have already. Separate your plastics, glass, aluminum, paper, cardboard, etc. and help the earth. However, we are guilty of recycling one thing that may not be so great for us — past relationships.

For as many people who know how great recycling a bottle of soda can be, just as many have recycled a past significant other. The relationship ended for what were significant reasons (at the time). But something happens inside us where we find ourselves thinking, “Maybe this person deserves a second chance.” We think if we try hard enough, the problems in the relationship will go away and the other person may change to fit the mold we want. More often than not, the relationship ends in almost the same way and for the same reasons as before.

Greg Behrendt, author of the book-turned-movie, He’s Just Not That Into You, explains that a lot of the time it’s really not the person that we actually miss; we get comfortable in the relationship and find it harder to get out.

“It’s probably a case of ‘dumper’s remorse,’” he said in an interview with Cosmopolitan. “Starting over can be tough, so often we end up second-guessing decisions and rewriting the relationship…Avoid contact and wait for your common sense to return.”

We start to feel lonely, reminiscent, sad, scared and a whole mess of other things then we start to rethink the person. When we aren’t in the thick of what is wrong with the relationship, we can forget.

Dr. Bethany Marshall, relationship therapist and author of Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away, says that if you do go back, you need to not get caught-up in the moment but figure out if the relationship is truly right.

“Try to look at it as a brand-new relationship,” she said.

She explained that the problems from the past can’t be ignored; both parties need to air grievances and see if they can move on from what went wrong before. If a couple can make a commitment to change these things then it may work out for the better.

Either way, Marshall said the next step is to move on, by leaving the past in the past or moving on with your life. “Every time we break up with someone, we learn how to have our own lives.”

So, if you find yourself in that break-up state (with Ben & Jerry’s in one hand and a remote for your Sex and the City marathon in the other), think hard before picking up the phone and giving your ex a call. Ask yourself; “Is this really what I want?” In the end, you might find doing what’s best for you and your environment is to leave the recycling to someone else.

Ashley Thill, ben & jerry's, Birds and Bees, Dr. Bethany Marshall, Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You, recycling, sex and the city Hide

As most of you know, I grew up in a locker room of living rooms, aka a household with four older brothers. In high school, when I’d come home I’d more often than not walk into a living room of 15 guys playing video games, none of which were even my brothers. We kind of had a revolving door and it only shifted into the Jones College frat house as we got older.

And the beauty of growing up in the Jones’ household was that, more often than not, I gained fly on the wall status so I was privy to the real conversations guys have when they think no girls are listening. While these conversations would shock you, I truly think that they would give you insight to a sex that is so unbelievably unlike us that it’s fascinating to wonder how we’re ever supposed to find love with one another when we’re as different as birds and fish.

Either way, in college I was the “dude translator.” I grew a reputation for being the girl who could decipher the code that is man thought. Then it occurred to me that if there were more direct communication between men and women, we could drop the games, the mind manipulation and the miscommunication. I know way too many girls who have spent WAY too much time trying to figure out what he meant by the awkward hug at the end of the night.

The time we spend thinking about what he is actually thinking about is consuming, futile, and, 99% of the time, WRONG. So, rather than continue having the blind leading the blind, I figured, why not have an event where we bring in guys who will be honest, candid and forthright to give us insight into the brotherhood of masculinity?

Immediately I called up a few high profile boys here in Los Angeles who are also dear friends. I described the current dilemma of men and women not understanding one another. The best part is, while I thought I’d be calling in a favor, they were more than willing; in fact, they LOVED the idea.

So with that, THE MAN PANEL was created. We’re doing our first ever i am that girl event on May 31^st at the Westwood Brewing Company from 7-9pm. We’re bringing in a panel of guys and I’ll be hosting the event.

It’s the perfect girls night out and I guarantee you will not only laugh hysterically, but you’ll gain priceless insight on the male sex. Come join us and get your questions answered by the boys who know them best. It’s 15 bucks online and 18 at the door. We have a link to our Paypal account under “links” on the website and we want to get the word out so shout it from the roof tops, i am that girl presents, THE MAN PANEL… our insider’s guide to men, once and for all.

Birds and Bees, communication, courtship, dating, i am that girl, iatg, los angeles, love, man panel Hide

We had been fighting for several days, over little things that didn’t matter, but which carried more serious implications for the relationship as a whole. Things seemed to be breaking down, in the face of arguments about whether to take an umbrella or what book to read next. Nothing kept turning into everything. After talking about breaking up or maybe taking a break, he made the suggestion that we spend time re-connecting, getting to know each other again…and refraining from sex. I fought his solution for several minutes, feeling this seemed a rather painful way to revive things. But then, I couldn’t help but feel ridiculous as the one advocating for more sex. Men are supposed to be the sex-crazed ones, right?

The days of men and women playing consistent and specified roles in a relationship have passed. Men and women are no longer simply the providers and caretakers, respectively. Yet, my feelings made clear to me that there is still some residue left from these social conventions. As a woman, feeling feminine is still valuable to me, and some of how I define this is indeed rooted in traditional notions of what it means to be a woman. Had I acted desperately, or even aggressively? Women aren’t supposed to demand sex! We’re the desired ones, the ones that must thwart off the unwanted advances of leering men.

And what about the time when I was working and paying the rent, and he was in between jobs? Most of the time I didn’t mind supporting us (he was after all, finishing a book). Still, the question, “Aren’t I the one that’s supposed to be taken care of here?” tickled the back of my brain. Perhaps, my thoughts only arose because things were so tight. I have no doubt that if the situation were reversed, and I had been in between jobs, he would never have said anything about it. Now that he is working again, he’s even mentioned that I quit my job waiting tables so I can pursue writing full-time. His suggestion has nothing to do with him wanting me to become a homemaker; though perhaps the traditional image of men as providers makes him more willing to tackle being the sole breadwinner.

In examining my inner misgivings, I realized they seemed to arise because of a gap between ‘how things are’ and ‘how I think things are supposed to be.’ Both the difficulty and benefit of being a woman in this generation is a lack of a definite role. And perhaps, as we swim around in this (sometimes) uncomfortable space, there is something that is still comfortable about these former definitions, as it once gave us a cultural script from which to act. We shed those roles because they were confining, and now we must find confidence in our actions, whether they align or deviate from the past. It’s not only about being in a relationship; it’s about finding confidence in being a woman. As it turns out, I can demand sex.

photos courtesy of seattle municipal archives, maciek lempicki

Birds and Bees, couples fighting, sex, women Hide

There are few things in this world that feel as good as having someone fall madly in love with you. Whether it’s the reasonless gifts, huge doe eyes, or the smitten smiles, few things can stroke your confidence feathers as a person enamored by little ol’ you. Obviously, this is only second to when you are so mutually infatuated with them that the world seems to stop . You find yourself totally and utterly unproductive, fully distracted by the mere ding of a text, and hopelessly overwhelmed by romantic daydreams. On the other side of this rainbow filled, My Little Pony Pleasantville is the barren, desert of unreciprocated love.

I had breakfast with my sister-in-law (Sarah), who happens to be one of my dearest friends and often a sounding board for my life’s decisions. During our conversation I was talking about a dear friend of mine who is dating someone she really likes, but not someone she is madly in love with. The difficult situation she has found herself in is that he, on the other hand, is in fact puppy dog, want to get married, in love with her.

She obviously adores him, and has no desire to break up with him, but at the same time, she often times feels guilt ridden and inauthentic when they are expressing the “I love you” pillow talk. She recently asked me my thoughts on the situation and I was reiterating this conversation with Sarah.

My feelings on relationships are that we all have a “heart responsibility” to one another. While it’s natural to not always be on the exact same page, there is an obligation when one person jumps off into the deep end and the other person is not willing to walk the same plank that we need to have a conversation about where we’re at in the relationship. And this is one of the most dreaded, uncomfortable, stomach turning conversations; but it’s also a litmus test for people who’s character outweighs the parameters of “what’s comfortable and easy.”

The fascinating thing is how many times we are presented with a situation where we can do what is right or we can do what is easy. This transcends relationships into life. And there are plenty of people who choose to hold themselves to certain expectations in certain areas of their lives, but it’s hard to know which hat to wear and when it’s appropriate to make a wardrobe change.

One of the insights Sarah had on this conversation, being happy married, is that at least for her, she knew when she met Nate (not necessary that she’d marry him) but that the relationship was worth not “screwing it up long enough to find out.” If we’re honest with ourselves, I think our gut will sound the alarm when it’s the “one,” otherwise it’s the silence we know all too well that says, “next.”

I have no doubt that the scare from my personal, past broken hearts are underlying motivation for this blog, but it’s from that fragile place that I implore of you and others to respect those precious strings by which our hearts dangle. Several times in life will we be able to take advantage of a situation, ignore someone else’s needs to pursue our own; but what if there was one less person who did? What would this world look like if we treated each other better, with an awareness, an honesty and a selflessness?

I think we sometimes forget how precious our hearts are and what an honor it is when someone hands us theirs with the trust we’ll cherish it and protect it. All I’m asking is that we make an effort to take better care of one another and infuse heart responsibility into our character’s repertoire. So to my dear friend who asked my advice, let him go. We all deserve to have someone as madly in love with us as we are with them, and your sweet boy certainly deserves the same.

Birds and Bees Hide

Movie outings, romantic dinners, and weekend getaways—being in a relationship can get expensive! Traditional dates are fun but they lack creativity and certainly aren’t easy on the bank account. In a time when the economy blows, it’s becoming necessary to start thinking outside the box. Just because you’re low on the dough doesn’t mean the party has to stop. Spice up the relationship by trying one of these great date alternatives.

Get Sporty
Hit the pavement and challenge your partner to some physical activity. Take a break from the gym and spend some one-on-one time getting fit. If you live near the beach, cruise on bikes, rollerblade or even take up kayaking. No beach? Hit the hills. Another outdoor activity great for couples is hiking. Sports are a great way to try something new together, and get a great workout at the same time.

No Reservations Necessary
Instead of fine dining, explore the great outdoors and have a picnic! Grab an old blanket and head to the park or beach. There’s nothing more fun then being outside, enjoying the weather and sharing a meal with the one you love. Be resourceful and look in your kitchen for yummy food to bring to the picnic. Don’t forget to bring board games or a beach ball and of course a camera to capture all the fun memories.

Think Red
Don’t want to spend all your money at the cinema? Then make it a Red Box night. Head to your local Red Box location and rent a DVD for ONLY $1. Enjoy a Red Box movie rental with some red wine. Try the “Two Buck Chuck” (Charles Shaw wine) from Trader Joe’s. You could even do a “red box squared” night, and get a box of red wine if you’re really low on funds. Stay home, get comfy and think red. After all, it is the color of love.

Art Appreciation
Museum visits are culturally stimulating and offer some intimate time to observe and analyze together. Many museums offer events, lectures, exhibits and special events. Be sure to look out for reduced tickets, free admission hours, and Art in Dark nights (art, music, food, and wine) for a low cost.

View from the Top
Stargazing, sunrises, and sunsets are not only beautiful but free. Don’t be embarrassed to grab some fast-food and head to the rooftop of a building or drive to the top level of a parking structure. This is a great place to appreciate city lights, architecture, and a natural setting. Plus, it’s romantic!

These inexpensive date ideas are simple and may be more memorable than splurging on a costly dinner at a fancy restaurant. Take advantage of free events, performances, happy hours, and special offers in your community. Start using the USPS and mail a love letter or cute note to your significant other. Technology is convenient but letters are always tangible and of course, wonderful keepsakes.

photo by tom kulbowski

activity, art, Birds and Bees, date, dating, economy, save money Hide

Hooked up. Got together. Fooled around. Messed around. Got play. It’s the language of a generation, our generation, but what does it all mean?  We use these terms to describe some kind of sexual interaction.  It could be a bit of kissing or it could be any type of sex. It could be with a friend or a guy whose name you don’t know or just can’t remember.  But ultimately, it’s a technique for isolation.

We don’t always like to think about it or allow it to be true, but the way we talk says a lot about who we are.  From regional dialects which use words like “y’all” or “wicked” to job specific vocabulary, much of what you say reveals something about you.  And the way we speak when it comes to sex says more about our generation than we are willing to say to one another.

No one can enter into my personal life unless I invite them in with particular detail.  Otherwise, I can build a wall.  “Oh, I hooked up with Jason last night.”  And what is the response we get for clarity?  “Hooked up hooked up or just hooked up?”  What does this mean?  Obviously, it’s telling of some sort of sexual progression but what?  That’s exactly the point.  Only the speaker is allowed to know.  Everyone else is left in ambiguity, shut out by the speaker’s sense of personal space and self-protection.

That protection could be from fear of judgment. No one likes to open themselves up to ridicule or disdain—especially when it comes to sex.  We’ve grown up with terms applied to girls like “slut” or “easy” or “skank” or “whore.”  We shout them out at one another or whisper it under our breaths and invite guys to do the same.  And though we may occasionally dish the terms out, in jest or in truth, we prefer to give and not take.  So we mask our sexual lives with terms like “fooled around.”

Even “went to bed” or “slept together” can be taken literally or figuratively.  Have you ever had that conversation where your friend and some guy slept together and you think you know what she means until she says, “but all we did was sleep?”  Sometimes it strikes me as odd that a statement like that needs to be amended. And these are some of the more clear-cut versions of our hook up vernacular.

A conservative might say we use protective terminology because we aren’t supposed to be engaging in sexual activity whereas a more liberal person might contend that we have been trained to think that female sexuality shouldn’t exist, let alone be discussed in any public or semi-public forum.  Either way, the result is we censor ourselves, locking ourselves into miscommunications and misconceptions.  We shy away from candor so that we can create a glossy veneer that is translucent but not transparent…and no one seems to notice. The result is no one knows the most personal level of who we are, the most vulnerable and most honest level; we don’t let them.  And by using such ambiguity with others, we can often lose sight of who we really are.

Did you know that if you tell yourself something enough, you’ll begin to believe it’s true? Try this experiment on soda. Tell yourself you don’t like sodas. Say it out loud in a group at your next venture to a restaurant. Remind yourself when you see soda.  “Ew.  I don’t really like that.”  Soon not only will you never drink it but you really will not like it.

The power of words is incredible and here we are using phrases without finite meanings. It’s deception.  The only question is why are you doing it?  To distance yourself from your own cognizant mind or to distance yourself from your friends?  It’s definitely not distancing you from the guys you’re making out with or having oral sex with. What you’re really saying with those words is that you trust a guy enough to have sex with him but you don’t trust your friends to admit it to them. It’s a remarkable foundation for friendship, don’t you think?

photo by valeria c. preisler

Birds and Bees, casual sex, friendship, gen y, Generation Y, hook up, language, sex Hide