Image courtesy of Theepochtimes.com

On week one, routine helps the time to elapse and focusing on work provides distraction. Week two, friends schedule time to drop in and spend some quality time recapping events and planning a girl’s night. By week three, realization has set in that her husband will be gone for another 25 weeks overseas and that she can find means to keep herself occupied while he’s away but still maintain their bond. This is the life of a military spouse and though it can be a difficult lifestyle to grasp, it can be as lasting and rewarding as any other relationship.

Entering a relationship in a military lifestyle recently myself, I assumed my life would be somewhat similar to what is portrayed in the media of months apart, isolated in a sheltered community, and never being able to settle down. Yet, I was quite surprised to find that life with a member of the Canadian Forces had much more to offer than the bleak outlook I once perceived to be reality.

To create a harmonious and happy life for yourself and your partner, you need to put in the effort and utilize creativity to overcome the obstacles that can arise. This is especially true in the military as a relationship can be faced with long absences, odd hours, lack of ability to communicate, and location flexibility. By maintaining a positive attitude, surrounding yourself with a network of friends and family as support, and developing dynamic ways to keep the bond strong with your partner, there are no complications that can’t be overcome.

To combat the time spent away from one another, look into getting the application Skype for your computer. It will help to minimize the costs of long distance or overseas communication and if equipped with a webcam, it brings the family that much closer. If living in a small base town, don’t limit yourself to staying inside and feeling isolated. There are often nearby venues that could spark an interest into a passion of yours and allow you to enjoy a hobby, which also helps pass the time. Whether it be relaxing on a beach or joining a local sports team, get involved with the community and prepare to be amazed at how much there is to offer if you take the time to explore and be receptive to new adventures.

Besides keeping yourself busy and involved when your spouse is away, it’s important to ensure that your connection is intact throughout. Think of ways to keep the spark alive before they depart. For example, write letters to one another in advance and open them only on specified dates throughout the time they are away. That way, you can always ensure to have contact even when they are in remote areas and you can share a mutual love note.

Military relationship strategies may be different and a little more challenging, but love always prevails. And with a little work and perseverance, there is nothing that can defeat one.

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I had dinner last night with a dear friend. Epitomizing the persnickety, overly healthy stereotype of Los Angeles restaurants he appropriately ordered a meatless macro burger, and I peanut enriched kale dish. Fittingly we sat there in LA’s latest dining limelight catching up on the past month or so of each other’s life changing adventures.

As usual with this particular friend, our traditional dinner time lapsed into a time span commensurate with two movies, four back to back episodes of The Office or a drive to and from Santa Barbara. However, it was in hour three of the four that our topic of conversation resonated with me the most. What is it about love, relationships and the “soul mates” debate that evoke such a curiosity?

For me, I’ve loved and lost, and lost and loved some more. I certainly don’t have a methodology, a tried and tested philosophy, or a proven formula that ensures love’s success. Even my dating record, or lack their of, wouldn’t qualify me to advise others, but it wasn’t our theory based answers that peaked my fascination, it was more in the infinite quandaries that kept me up that night.

I have to admit that I’ve laid to rest the fairytale that my prince will arrive on a shining, white stead or that I myself am adorned in a diamond studded tiara. Because honestly, I think it’s these childish, unrealistic, unattainable expectations that leave people disappointed and disenchanted by their less than happy, “happy ending.” However, that doesn’t mean my expectations aren’t extraordinarily high or that my standards aren’t near impossible; it just means that what I’m looking for (and unwilling to settel for less than) will take the same patience and meticulous searching as a needle in a haystack and quite frankly, I’m banking on the fact it will be worth it.

Because here’s the deal, I do believe love and relationships can be magical, but I am well aware of the fact that the kind I speak of are far and very few between. I also think it’s terrifying to entertain that notion because by admitting the possibility that a truly powerful, mind blowing, “one plus one makes 10” relationship exists means you’re left with the reality that realistically you may never find it, or worse, that you end up settling for something subpar. Both of which for some, make the journey to finding the ever elusive, love of your life, not worthy of the hunt in the first place.

That’s when it occurred to me that like any good treasure hunt, there is a legitimate fear your journey might possibly be done in vain, and yet for me, that gamble pales in comparison to the treasure that potentially awaits you. Then again, what in life are we guaranteed? Not success, health, wealth, or even life for that matter; so what makes the journey to find love anymore terrifying than chasing down your dreams or striving for success?

I guess that’s where for me, it’s a matter of faith, believing in something profound that I have yet to see or experience firsthand. So maybe I haven’t met my perfectly flawed prince charming, or maybe I have and like Superman his true identity is being kept secret from my heart’s eyes for the time being. But either way, to muster up the courage, rather, the audacity required is not for the faint of heart. Then again mediocrity is for the simple, willing to settle, comfort-loving individuals who dare not. But for those of you inspired by the mere possibility of having a powerhouse relationship, I promise your life’s treasure hunt to find what you’re looking for, your fortitude in not settling, your faithful resilience, and your passionate quest will not be done in vain. I promise that no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can conceive what is in store for those treasure hunters determined to discover life’s greatest fortune, a love worthy of the hunt.

Pictures courtesy of: Mathforum, Oceangrams

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Whether you believe homosexuality is biologically hardwired or a matter of choice, the fact remains that our society has been living in a hetero-homo binary. You’re either gay or straight – maybe bi – and that’s it. These three categories have been considered to be mutually exclusive and sexual identity to be as simple as checking the applicable box. But as many will tell you, it’s not that easy.

For women, maybe love really is blind when it comes to gender. Within the past few years, a new understanding of female sexuality has emerged. Studying the growing number of women leaving men for other women, researchers have coined the term “sexual fluidity” to explain the collapsing boundaries of sexual orientation.

Cynthia Nixon, star of Sex and the City, became one of the most high-profile cases of sexual fluidity when she began seeing a woman after ending a 15-year relationship with a man. She told the Daily Mirror, “I have been with men all my life and had never met a woman I had fallen in love with before. But when I did, it didn’t seem so strange. It didn’t change who I am. I’m just a woman who fell in love with a woman.”

Lisa Diamond, associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, is accredited for bringing this controversial subject to the academic table. Her 2008 book Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire explores the changing nature of female sexuality, citing scientific research and her own studies of nearly 100 women who have experienced same-sex attraction.

“People always ask me if this research means everyone is bisexual. No, it doesn’t,” Diamond tells O, The Oprah Magazine. “Fluidity represents a capacity to respond erotically in unexpected ways due to particular situations or relationships. It doesn’t appear to be something [anyone] can control.”

And as research suggests, this fluidity is more common in women than men. In a ground-breaking 2004 study at Northwestern University, both gay and straight female subjects became sexually aroused at heterosexual and lesbian erotic films. Male subjects, on the other hand, responded only toward films aimed at their sexual orientation. Since past research has been conducted mostly on men, this report opened the field on female sexuality and has encouraged further studies that have since supported women’s greater capacity for sexual vacillation.

But sexuality isn’t limited to the physiological phenomenon of blood rushing to genitals. Emotions play a huge part in who we find attractive, and Diamond has discovered that sexual fluidity stems from “being attracted to the person, not the gender.”

In an interview with the Boston Globe, Diamond quotes one woman who revealed that “deep down, it’s just a matter of who I meet and fall in love with, and it’s not their body, it’s something

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The severe thunderstorm warnings finally subsided. In fact, the sun came out with such intensity that the rain didn’t stand a chance for the rest of the evening. A half-hour before the ceremony, our friends pitched in to drag 200 chairs from under the tent where they had been set up with the assumption the ceremony would be completely washed out.

From that moment on, nothing could have been more perfect. We ate, drank, laughed, danced and even roasted marshmallows. Many of our friends camped out in tents and then we all greeted the sunrise on Sunday morning. I can honestly say that it may have been, to date, the best day/evening/night/dawn/morning of my life. And I’m 99 percent positive Ben agrees.

On the 43-hour drive back to Los Angeles, Ben and I filled each other in on the moments the other had missed and relived the moments we shared. We decided that our vows were exciting, our dance was lovely and that the weather, food, cake, speeches and even the dancing were all amazing. But the very best thing about everything was watching our parents smile, our families relax and all of our friends come together to celebrate with us. It meant so much that so many people cared to show up despite the mud and chance of stormy weather.

Aside from providing the opportunity to have the best and biggest party of our lives, marriage hasn’t changed our relationship much. I don’t think Ben suddenly has a ball-and-chain attached to his ankle. I still have boys for friends and girls’ nights out. And neither of us expect the other to act or live differently. We talk about following our individual dreams and supporting each other in any way we can. We discuss making decisions based upon what is best for our family — which for now consists of him and me, as well as our dog Big.

When I catch a glimpse of the ring on his finger, I must admit I smile and feel this giddy rush of happiness. I feel confident that, like me, he is willing and proud to display this extraordinary symbol of our commitment to each other.

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I totally sabotaged my relationship. He was smart, attractive, and brought out the best in me. Dating was great. It was casual but, at the same time, we weren’t seeing anyone else…and then he called me his girlfriend I freaked out. What was it about that word that made me unconsciously ruin an amazing relationship? The same reason so many other young women freak out: fear.

Fear can rear its ugly head in a variety of different ways especially when you become close with someone. We think of excuses to dislike the person, come up with ridiculous reasons to be single, and, in the end, we are uttering the regrettable words “they were the one that got away.” He didn’t “get away” if you pushed him out of your life. So what are we doing?

Common Excuses:

• “I need to find myself.” Really? Where have you been? You are with yourself everyday, if you pull this card, it is as immature as cheating. When you get in a relationship, this person should be a complement to who you are, currently. A healthy relationship will allow you to grow together. If you want to end it, use a better excuse.
• “I’ve been burned before.” Who hasn’t? If you’ve been in a relationship that was damaging, you are more than likely going to be fearful of a new, healthy one.  Explain this to your partner. Take it slow, but don’t end something that could be wonderful out of fear. Take a risk; see what happens. If not, you’ll always be wondering what could have been.
• “The grass is greener on the other side.” Do you ever go out with your single friends and they convince you that you were “more fun” when you were not in a relationship? But all it takes is a good talk with a single friend who is complaining about the awkward one-night stand she had last week to send you straight back to reality.
• Commitment = Suffocation. Nope, not really. Many women stray from getting into serious relationships because they fear it will be the end of their independence. If this is the case and your partner is preventing you from living your own life, then that is a warning sign to get out.  But if it’s just your fear that you will have to marry this one, take a deeper look at what is causing you to think this way. He may not be thinking this at all.

I was lucky. When I started to pull the “I’m not ready card,” he called me out. He said he knew I was afraid of commitment because I had been burned in the past. He knew my surly attitude was due to the fact that I was trying to push him away. He told me, “If you do this with every guy you meet, you’re going to attract men who disrespect you. If you push all the good ones away, you are only setting yourself up for failure.” I was floored, but guess what? I realized he was right.

photo by katie tegtmeyer

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A nine year old walked into my office and declared, “I think I am going to join the ‘clique’ at school. They do get in more trouble, but they always look like they are having fun, and get lots of attention.” When I questioned her more about joining this group of girls, she said that they made fun of other girls, pushed them off the swings, and weren’t very nice. She abruptly changed her mind when I told her that others might view her as being “mean” too if she became part of this group. She would be “mean” by association.

Essentially what this little girl is going through is stuff we thought we would grow out of after high school or at least college.  But that isn’t the case. Many people I have worked with (friends, and even myself) have fallen for the “clique” when it comes to social circles. Do you give in or get out with your dignity?

I found myself at a table amongst some pretty “popular” people recently, listening to their conversations about who’s getting divorced, cheated on, or going to rehab, all while making fun of innocent bystanders. I sat back and realized other people may be viewing me as the “mean girl.” How did I, a smart, college-educated, woman, who works in the “helping profession,” fall into this?

Was it the exciting invites to exclusive parties? Or the fact that I was never bored due to the incessant drama? Perhaps, but all this seems meaningless now. My work suffered, my older friendships diminished, and I put everything important to me on the back burner.

Some of these girls were my good friends, but their conversations were tiresome and demeaning to other women. I found myself being pulled in two—I wanted to keep these friends but at the same time I began neglecting my dignity. So I had to figure out how to get out alive, without my reputation being ruined (which unlike high school can ruin your career).

How can you get out alive?

• Weigh your options. Will the opening of yet another “hot spot” be as important as spending time with an old friend or family member?  Probably not.
• Prioritize. If you find that you’re putting off important things (work, school, your health, family, or friends) for this lifestyle, it may be time to rearrange.
• Realize. When your family and friends say you’re not around, take note.  That gut feeling you get is guilt.
• Remember who you are. If you find yourself being caddy or involved in meaningless conversations, I would suggest excusing yourself, and reexamining what you are really gaining from this friendship.

I started to focus more on things that mattered to me; work, school, nurturing old friendships, and not jumping at the chance to hit up the latest hot spot or get in on the latest drama.  And guess what, life got suddenly a lot easier, happier, and much less dramatic.

photo by udo herzog

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“I wish he was…”
“Why isn’t he like…”
“Why can’t he be more…”

These sentences kept monopolizing the conversation when a group of girlfriends and I had lunch the other day. No matter how hard we tried to change the subject, this one kept creeping back in.

In the beginning of relationships, it’s absolutely romantic and thrilling. Your eyes meet. Butterflies  in your stomach. Loss of breath. Late night talks. A permanent smile across your face. Then your hands touch for the first time. It’s absolutely perfect. Anything more than the warmth of each other’s hands might spoil the moment.

You’re excited and accepting of everything the other person is. They explain their flaws and it just makes you care for them more.

Two weeks. A couple of months. Possibly a year.

Your “idea” of them starts to dwindle away and your eyes begin to open. The exhilarating feeling is slowly subsiding. Something new is making its way into the relationship: comfort.

Why do we automatically think that the sensation of comfort and the everyday is necessarily a bad thing? Why do we associate the next level of a relationship to be mundane?

It doesn’t help that our memorable romantic characters, like Bella and Edward, Nick and Norah, Sookie and Bill, are constantly living in a relationship surrounded by non-stop passion. We rarely get the experience to witness their everyday. Maybe because the majority of people believe that’s the boring part of relationships.

Then we start to think, is it time to leave? Or maybe we should help change the other person?

As women, we need to stop playing dress up with our significant other. We are automatically drawn to the role of fixer upper. I do this all the time… and I’m married!

We need to learn how to compromise. And I don’t mean compromise the other person and groom them to what we would like them to become. Compromise. Meaning WE need to let go of our bad habits and meet them half way.

I don’t claim to be some relationship guru but I do see what I’m doing and what my friends tend to do with their partners. It’s futile and, if we keep at it (regardless of if we’re married or dating, engaged or just talking), we’ll be alone soon.

I didn’t even realize that I was putting unrealistic expectations on my hubby until that troubling luncheon with my girlfriends. That’s when I took the time to revisit why I originally fell in love. All those little flaws I used to love.

After days of wondering how I have accumulated a laundry list of changes for my husband, it finally dawned on me.

His faults are why I fell for him. They’re why I still love him. They’re what made him human. They’re why he needs me. And my faults are part of why I need him. They’re why we are partners.

photo by ximena s. lennon

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My sister and I look alike, fingers and smiles cut from the same cloth. She’s never known life without me in it and the first memories I can recall are of her birth. When our parents divorced, we packed the same suitcase and rode the backseats of several vehicles from Renton to Kent to Edgewood and back again. Joint custody defined our childhood – we were a unit designed to separate.

This kind of shared independence bore “great passions,” as we like to call them. Years past, our first split interest is easy to spot; while I dove headfirst into anything theatre, Nora was off to Germany on the invitation of my stepmother’s Deutsch family. I could have gone with her, but it was either Brackenheim or dance lessons; for both of us, the choice was clear.

Nora spent two weeks in the Rhineland, returning with a passion of her very own. She WOULD speak German. I teased her for answering most questions with an exuberant “ja, ja!” but was secretly impressed by her fervor. Nora narrated our day to day with nouns printed on white stickers: de lit, de douche, mein swester.

She moved out of my life slowly, with the baby steps necessary for such a distance. A year spent in Frieburg through her college exchange; a room in the International dorm where students were encouraged to speak in their language of choice; an au pair opportunity after graduation which lead to a job teaching English to Germans. Now she lives in Dresden, going on year two of working for the Berlitz school.

My sister came home for her senior year of college and we reveled in our newfound adult relationship. We got matching haircuts (unplanned!) and shared an awe at our easy communication. In the relay race of 20-something social interaction, I have always felt most solidly myself when together with Nora. And then, there’s the whole gene pool thing – our similar way of being boggles my mind.

Three summers ago she stayed on my couch for the weekend, unsure about her future. She confided in me, “I know that I could be happy in Seattle, living like you do. I don’t know if I will find that going back, but if I stay, where will I use my German?” As much as I would puzzle over my motives later on, I gave her the advice I would have given my best friend: Take the chance. Follow your dream. You’ll always have a home in Seattle.

That she will, but it’s been over a year since I’ve looked her in the eye and it’s only going to increase. As we both look at our jam-packed calendars, the face of  reality overshadows sisterdom: paid vacation, jet lag, time differences, job commitments…all important. All between us.

On the surface I’m happy with our choices. Yet, in the pit of my stomach, I ache when I think of a future minus sister. It’s childish, I know, but that’s who we are to each other. My solace? We floated in the same womb. That means something, despite the millions of individual choices available upon exodus. I know she feels the same way as I do, because how could she not? We’re both Peachey and we always will be.

photo by gero langisch

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My mother is the most beautiful woman I know. She is the woman I look up to and my mentor. She is a very strong, intelligent woman who I admire and, whenever I need advice, she always has just the right thing to say.

My mother also struggles with her weight. To be honest, it has always affected me emotionally that she is overweight. I worry about her health. When my mother looks at herself in the mirror, she can’t stand what she sees. She will never undress in front of anyone and, if given a compliment, she quickly writes it off. I just wish she could see herself the way I see her.

It took me awhile to understand my motivation behind becoming a trainer. But if you understand my mother and my relationship with her, it actually makes a lot of sense. In short, I was determined to change my fate and, hopefully, hers.

There was just one problem — my mother hates to workout. I mean absolutely hates it. She would rather do anything else than workout. She would begrudgingly come to my classes and then eventually just stopped coming.

As a trainer, you can only motivate someone so much — even your own mother. They ultimately have to decide on their own, and the desire must come solely from within.

That is why I was so surprised when, in December, my mother asked me if I would start giving her private Pilates sessions. My heart skipped a beat. I was so taken aback, I jumped at the chance.

I thought that this was the beginning of something huge for my mother. That this was going to change her life and we were going to do it together.

The first day I trained her, I practically ran into the house out of excitement. My mother however, was still in her pajamas and working on the computer. At that moment, I realized this was going to be more difficult than I thought.

It didn’t get any easier. I would show up and there would often be a fight between us because she didn’t want to work out. I couldn’t understand why she asked me to help her if she didn’t want the help. My frustration was building and our relationship was hurting because of it.

One day when my mother and I were going for a walk, she unexpectedly opened up to me about her feelings towards her body. She revealed things to me I had never known before. For the first time, my mother (my mentor) was also my peer and I felt I could truly help her. It was as though we were switching roles. On that long walk, she promised she would do her best and stop resisting so much. We hugged, we cried and that was the day our journey towards health began.

photo by rance costa

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There are three types of men who many of us (unfortunately) have dated. But, when we’re in these toxic relationships we don’t see it—I know I’ve been there. If I had listened to the wisdom of my friends, and my gut instincts, I would have saved myself some serious time, not to mention heartache.

The Narcissist. This guy chews you up and spits you out—leaving you feeling like a lost puppy, and no idea how it happened. In the beginning, he appears like prince charming, but once you’re infatuated, he uses you to boost his ego.

• He assumes you’re down with his plans. Since when did your date nights turn into sports bars with his friends?
• He belittles you for having different opinions or attempts to make you feel wrong. “I can’t believe you’re mad at me for sleeping on her couch rather than driving after drinking! We’re just friends; you’re so crazy.”
• He avoids conversations in which he has to be emotionally responsible.
• His attempts to “talk about” the relationships come in the form of emails, text messages, or worse yet, no contact at all.

The Cling-On. We mistake his over-attentiveness for a genuine connection. When we look back it’s clear he really just needs another person to feel complete.

• He refers to guy friends in the “past tense” and rarely hangs out with other men.
• Weekend plans consist of you, you, you, work, or family engagements.
• He has a history of “serious relationships,” and has been engaged or married multiple times.
• In the first weeks or months of the relationship, he wants to make serious plans such as plan a vacation, meet the family, give you a key to his place, or even move-in.
• When you begin to assert space, it becomes a “relationship crisis” and he must be reassured.

The Controller. His over-protectiveness is charming…at first. Then you begin to realize that his need to be in control is really insecurity. Your friends start disappearing and you’re left feeling suffocated.

• He needs to be aware of what you are up-to. Multiple calls or texts, showing up without calling (stalking you) when you make plans with friends or family.
• He is allowed to hang with his buddies, but makes you feel guilty for wanting girl time or personal space.
• You find yourself logging out of email accounts and locking your phone to protect your privacy and dispel fights.
• Makes you feel responsible for his emotional well-being.

The important thing to realize here, girls, is that these guys won’t change. It’s true that these toxic characteristics can be healthy, but only in small doses.  As we all know, too much of a good thing can actually be a red flag for future failure in relationships. Be aware, smart, and listen to the advice of your girlfriends because it’s usually easier to see these warning signs from the outside.

photo by michael lokner

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