Image courtesy of HeadAgainsttheSky

We have all been down that road before; crying frantically on our way back home because another girl called us a “name.” I remember plenty of instances in elementary school where I would get upset about a fight with my girlfriends and cry myself to sleep. My mom, trying her best to help, would just say, “Forget about those girls! You’re better than them anyway.” Yet, it never sufficed. As I grew older and traveled through the tumultuous years of high school, friendship problems only deepened in my life. The characters portrayed by Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls were really my group of friends, treating each other badly for reasons we were too young to understand.

Why do girls love to fight? School administrators and counselors note a large percentage of their non-academic involvement with adolescent girls in school deals with trying to resolve friendship quarrels, a feat even they don’t know how to handle. Granted, boys growing up get into more physical fights throughout their school career. Girls bicker, gossip, and maliciously attack their friends ― and take it to a more personal level. In a girl’s world, intimacy is the principal commodity. So it is no surprise that some of the most intense relational problems stem from girl friendships.

Do we ever grow out of this? The answer is no. However, the way in which we deal with relational dilemmas change as we mature and learn to become more constructive. Being in a sorority, I learned that it is impossible to avoid problems and fights with your sisters or friends, especially if you see them on a daily basis. What does work for us are grievances.

Grievances are gatherings in which a group of people get together to alleviate the “air.” In my sorority chapter, we ask for a grievance whenever there’s tension that escalates for more than a week. Instead of throwing it under the rug, we face the issue at hand and discuss it until each side is heard. We try to respect each other when we take the floor, and hold our comments until the person is done speaking. Sometimes we even allocate a sergeant of arms to maintain order, but it doesn’t always run so smoothly. But what they do offer is the chance to reconcile with the people that matter most to you. Even if your dilemma isn’t resolved, it can at least give you the opportunity to see the other person’s side.

Now that I’m in my early twenties, I know what it means to be a considerate friend. Even gesturing for a grievance is a big step and can mean a lot. Minuscule problems should never stand in the way of friendships that you cherish. If they aren’t addressed, they can become a bigger conflict and you can possibly lose a friend you care about. Little fights aren’t worth that risk.

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A nine year old walked into my office and declared, “I think I am going to join the ‘clique’ at school. They do get in more trouble, but they always look like they are having fun, and get lots of attention.” When I questioned her more about joining this group of girls, she said that they made fun of other girls, pushed them off the swings, and weren’t very nice. She abruptly changed her mind when I told her that others might view her as being “mean” too if she became part of this group. She would be “mean” by association.

Essentially what this little girl is going through is stuff we thought we would grow out of after high school or at least college.  But that isn’t the case. Many people I have worked with (friends, and even myself) have fallen for the “clique” when it comes to social circles. Do you give in or get out with your dignity?

I found myself at a table amongst some pretty “popular” people recently, listening to their conversations about who’s getting divorced, cheated on, or going to rehab, all while making fun of innocent bystanders. I sat back and realized other people may be viewing me as the “mean girl.” How did I, a smart, college-educated, woman, who works in the “helping profession,” fall into this?

Was it the exciting invites to exclusive parties? Or the fact that I was never bored due to the incessant drama? Perhaps, but all this seems meaningless now. My work suffered, my older friendships diminished, and I put everything important to me on the back burner.

Some of these girls were my good friends, but their conversations were tiresome and demeaning to other women. I found myself being pulled in two—I wanted to keep these friends but at the same time I began neglecting my dignity. So I had to figure out how to get out alive, without my reputation being ruined (which unlike high school can ruin your career).

How can you get out alive?

• Weigh your options. Will the opening of yet another “hot spot” be as important as spending time with an old friend or family member?  Probably not.
• Prioritize. If you find that you’re putting off important things (work, school, your health, family, or friends) for this lifestyle, it may be time to rearrange.
• Realize. When your family and friends say you’re not around, take note.  That gut feeling you get is guilt.
• Remember who you are. If you find yourself being caddy or involved in meaningless conversations, I would suggest excusing yourself, and reexamining what you are really gaining from this friendship.

I started to focus more on things that mattered to me; work, school, nurturing old friendships, and not jumping at the chance to hit up the latest hot spot or get in on the latest drama.  And guess what, life got suddenly a lot easier, happier, and much less dramatic.

photo by udo herzog

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Think of Regina George as head Plastic in Mean Girls, Blair and Serena as frenemies on Gossip Girl, and Angelina versus Jen in the gossip rags. Girl-on-girl hatred has become a fixture in entertainment, and the more gorgeous the women are, the dirtier the fighting gets. While I don’t condone the media’s depiction of women as petty and spiteful creatures, I’ll admit that I’ve found my share of amusement in these scripted cat fights. But does art imitate life? Do we really live in a Mean Girls world where women prey on each other?

One school of thought believes that women are hateful and vindictive when they perceive another female to be more beautiful and successful. This competitive nature harkens back to evolutionary time, when survival depended on limited resources needed for our genes to thrive in the next generation. Those resources used to be food, shelter, and mates; these days they have translated into money, popularity, and oh wait, mates again. It’s every woman for herself, and to be one-upped by another is to be left out in the cold.

Another school of thought accredits our competitiveness to our environment, particularly the media. Our culture is inundated with tabloids that encourage us to focus on celebrities’ bodies, stumbles, and foibles. (Flaunting misbehavior and flaws is more profitable than extolling talent and generosity.) This skewed view makes us scrutinize ourselves and those around us, placing us mere mortals in front of the firing squad as well.

While the reason for our cattiness is probably a combination of biology and society, we are not merely products of our genes and culture. Women can be needlessly nasty when threatened by another woman’s beauty and intelligence. But shouldn’t beauty and intelligence be a source of celebration instead of condemnation? What’s the reason for denying someone her victory simply because ours is still a work in progress?

While blaming others for our ineptness is a lot easier than confronting our problems head-on, we can’t continue to stand in the way of our success by focusing on someone else’s life. Self-improvement is the only factor that we can control, and the first step is admitting responsibility. So let’s take the time to assess (not dwell on) our weaknesses, and figure out what we can do to transform them into strengths. And while we’re at it, let’s commemorate the strengths we do have and applaud (not sneer at) the qualities that we admire in others. Then we can live in a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants world, and kiss Regina George goodbye.

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Traditionally comedy has been a male dominated industry. Sure, there’s never been a shortage of funny women, but their numbers in the biz were minimal. Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett showcased their talents through sitcoms and variety shows, and talk show hosts such as Ellen DeGeneres and Whoopi Goldberg have made their mark. But today, a new generation of funny, smart, and successful American women is taking over. This crop of talent is responsible for acting, performing stand-up, writing and directing—telling jokes with a side of sexy. They are the new female comic titans.

In the past, it wasn’t uncommon for women to be penalized for expressing themselves through sharp wit and sarcasm. The comedians of today are using their sex appeal to attract attention, and then hit it home with hilarity. Tina Fey, the former head writer of Saturday Night Live, writer of the film Mean Girls, and creator of the sitcom 30 Rock, is one of the most important figures in this new generation of comediennes. Fey has utilized her sexy librarian persona in all of her comedy sketches, which served to her advantage when she recently spoofed vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Take a look at Chelsea Handler, stand-up comedian, humorist, author, actress, and television host of Chelsea Lately. Every episode Handler walks out wearing stilettos, hiked up skirts, tight-fitting tops, and blown out blonde hair. Yes, sex sells—even in comedy.

It is significantly easier for women to make it on television than in movies. Most popular television series target women since female viewers outnumber men by approximately 30 percent during primetime. For that reason, television is a woman’s world. That’s part of the reason why there has been an explosion of female comedians on the small screen. Sarah Silverman, Tracy Ullman and Amy Sedaris are three of the top funny gals, each having their own comedy shows. Silverman stars and produces The Sarah Silverman Program, which has been a ratings success for Comedy Central. Ullman’s State of the Union on Showtime has garnered positive response and has been green lighted for a second season for 2009. Sedaris will be creating, writing and starring in her own sitcom for Fox TV. The ratings and rave reviews that their witty humor garners prove that being smart and funny is both profitable and marketable to the masses.

One of the biggest changes in the 21st century is that women are not just standing in front of the camera. More and more women are working as writers, directors, and producers. Tina Fey and the other comedians of the moment are breaking down barriers for other females and insisting that women be able to write their own jokes too. Who says women can’t be funny?

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It’s the quintessential Mean Girls moment.  All your friends end up dressing up like sluts on Halloween and calling themselves cats or angels or super-heroes.  Here are a few ideas that are simple, cost-effective, and keep you a bit more covered for the cold weather.

Emily suggests…Boxer
Get cute boxer shorts anywhere from Target to Victoria’s Secret.  Wear a white tank top and boxing gloves.  Then punch your way through the party to get your cup of punch.

Natalie suggests…Lady Matador
A great costume with Spanish hairstyles.  All you need is a white t-shirt, black skinny jeans, and a red capote as the ultimate accessory.  (Get creative with what’s already in your closet.)  Hit the crowds!  Ole!

August suggests…Christmas Caroler
Snuggle up in some warm clothes, beanie and scarf included.  Then, all you have to do is walk around with an occasional song.  Not only will you get the traditional Halloween candy, but you can demand the hot chocolate as well!

Sophia suggests…Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
Wear all green clothes with a brown vest and backpack for the shell. (If you don’t have a brown backpack, wrap brown fabric around the backpack you do have and use a sharpie to draw a shell pattern.) Find a sash of the color of your chosen turtle and cut eye holes.  Form the appropriate weapons out of foil. Cowabunga, dude!

Kenzie suggests…Waldo
Grab your favorite pair of blue jeans and paint a long-sleeved white tee with red stripes.  Pick up a pair of Harry Potter-esque glasses and cover your head with a beanie made of red and white felt.  Everyone at the party will be asking, “Where’s Waldo?”

Krista suggests…Greek Goddess
Make a head wreath out of woven or braided rosemary, sage, and lavender.  Drape a jersey sheet and wrap with gold rope from a craft store.  Use those gladiator sandals one last time before winter and add gold bangles.  This costume is sure to bring out your inner goddess.

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