Image courtesy of Sodahead.com

Some experts have gone so far as to compare the state of being in love with that of having a mental disease. Those random chance encounters share a remarkable resemblance to the peaks and troughs of the emotional and biological frenzy found in those who have been diagnosed with mania, obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression. Examinations have shown that during this period, the brain’s reward system is stimulated, kind of like with a drug addiction. The sections of the brain associated with attachment, emotions, and libido are flicked on and stimulated with each touch of the hand or flirty little text. Crazy in love doesn’t sound so crazy.

American psychologist, Dorothy Tennov took a scientific leap towards investigating and understanding the different styles of love. Tennov coined the term limerence in reference to the manic phase of infatuation people begin to feel during the first six months to two years of a relationship. Limerence is invasive, pathological and uncontrollably consuming. The poor limerent is so captivated that nothing else matters except for the desired. During this time feelings plunge drastically between agony and euphoria causing a disarray of emotions. Common telltale signs are chest pressure, mood swings, the longing for reciprocation, obsessive thinking and the devastating fear of rejection. Limerence can strike at almost any age, and men seem to be just as susceptible as women. Tennov’s studies assure that these overpowering feelings do not last longer than the supposed two years. If your relationship is still fiery and you’re both still excited about each other past Tennov’s time slot, then you’re one of the lucky ones who has graduated into a real, lasting attachment.

On the contrary, according to Dr. Frank Tallis, in his book, Love Sick: Love As A Mental Illness, all of this love stuff is really due in part to evolution. Tallis maintains there is a reason that the experience of feeling madly in love only lasts for about two years. He believes this time scale “corresponds exactly with the time it would have taken our ancestors to produce and wean one child.” He goes so far as to saying that the madness of love lasts just long enough to guarantee the survival of genes from generation to generation. Unfortunately, our bodies have yet to catch up with modern times, and the concepts of contraceptives, overpopulation, and destructive relationships are now unforeseen variables that completely disrupt the equation.

Both of these studies come to the same conclusion. There is a clear differentiation between lasting attachment and early infatuation. As the crazy feelings begin to fade, it’s merely a natural shift into a different phase of the relationship.

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Image courtesy of Vedran Lanc

Well, the festive season seems to happen earlier each year. I always find a shopping outfit the trickiest of beasts. Here in the UK warmth is of great importance, but going in and out of well-heated stores can result in steamy unpleasantness. Thin layers, teamed with easily removable scarves are the way to go, and I opted for a thin thermal vest under a black fitted cashmere jersey, tucked into high-waisted skinny jeans and my faithful caramel flat calf leather boots. Rather than a bulk coat, which can impinge your ability to squeeze by the rotund lady in her 50s who spotted that must-have Hermes scarf moments before you did, a couple of well-placed scarves, mixing silk against the skin with a rough knit wool over the top, allows warmth and maneuverability.

Gifts purchased, work done, I’ve had ample time this month to catch up with friends. It was my dear friend LB that got me thinking over green tea and nostalgic music from our youth one evening as we got to talking about love. LB’s recent romantic disappointments have left her despondent, and we discussed where we thought we’d be as we headed towards 30. This generation, more so than any other, seem to be settling later, opting for career advancement over procreation, world travel over wedded bliss. But are we happy? Is this almost petulant independence creating true fulfillment? Financial freedom is certainly empowering, but from my experience many young women still crave the affectionate dependence that a relationship tenders. Having both, it seems, is the dream of most 20-somethings. But is it possible in a world where dedication and commitment are more regularly associated with job loyalty than love? In a world where world travel is so often a part of a vocation, working long hours, weekends and holidays are part and parcel of “making it,” is there really room for a mutually fulfilling and satisfying relationship?

Later in the month, I had the chilly experience of attending an outdoor Winter Wonderland-themed fashion show (necessitating a gigantic fur hat and floor-length plum coat with thick black patent leather cinch belt). Spending the evening with one of the freelance photographers I regularly cover events with, RH, talk of a recent job offer had the topic of success once again rearing its uncomfortable head. She had been offered the opportunity to work in the Far East for a while, much to her boyfriend’s dismay. Having been together for three years, co-habited for two, their relationship was plodding along quite satisfactorily. But since when has satisfactory ever been adequate? These days, dizzying, dangerously delicious love has become the baseline to which all else is measured. Comfortable partnerships are quickly dismissed as boring or unfulfilling. But this hasn’t always been the case. In a world of profligate and decadent consumerism, women expect fireworks, and anything else has us impatient and complaining. I wonder if this will make us happy in the long run.

Until next time, stay beauty-full, ladies!

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I had dinner last night with a dear friend. Epitomizing the persnickety, overly healthy stereotype of Los Angeles restaurants he appropriately ordered a meatless macro burger, and I peanut enriched kale dish. Fittingly we sat there in LA’s latest dining limelight catching up on the past month or so of each other’s life changing adventures.

As usual with this particular friend, our traditional dinner time lapsed into a time span commensurate with two movies, four back to back episodes of The Office or a drive to and from Santa Barbara. However, it was in hour three of the four that our topic of conversation resonated with me the most. What is it about love, relationships and the “soul mates” debate that evoke such a curiosity?

For me, I’ve loved and lost, and lost and loved some more. I certainly don’t have a methodology, a tried and tested philosophy, or a proven formula that ensures love’s success. Even my dating record, or lack their of, wouldn’t qualify me to advise others, but it wasn’t our theory based answers that peaked my fascination, it was more in the infinite quandaries that kept me up that night.

I have to admit that I’ve laid to rest the fairytale that my prince will arrive on a shining, white stead or that I myself am adorned in a diamond studded tiara. Because honestly, I think it’s these childish, unrealistic, unattainable expectations that leave people disappointed and disenchanted by their less than happy, “happy ending.” However, that doesn’t mean my expectations aren’t extraordinarily high or that my standards aren’t near impossible; it just means that what I’m looking for (and unwilling to settel for less than) will take the same patience and meticulous searching as a needle in a haystack and quite frankly, I’m banking on the fact it will be worth it.

Because here’s the deal, I do believe love and relationships can be magical, but I am well aware of the fact that the kind I speak of are far and very few between. I also think it’s terrifying to entertain that notion because by admitting the possibility that a truly powerful, mind blowing, “one plus one makes 10” relationship exists means you’re left with the reality that realistically you may never find it, or worse, that you end up settling for something subpar. Both of which for some, make the journey to finding the ever elusive, love of your life, not worthy of the hunt in the first place.

That’s when it occurred to me that like any good treasure hunt, there is a legitimate fear your journey might possibly be done in vain, and yet for me, that gamble pales in comparison to the treasure that potentially awaits you. Then again, what in life are we guaranteed? Not success, health, wealth, or even life for that matter; so what makes the journey to find love anymore terrifying than chasing down your dreams or striving for success?

I guess that’s where for me, it’s a matter of faith, believing in something profound that I have yet to see or experience firsthand. So maybe I haven’t met my perfectly flawed prince charming, or maybe I have and like Superman his true identity is being kept secret from my heart’s eyes for the time being. But either way, to muster up the courage, rather, the audacity required is not for the faint of heart. Then again mediocrity is for the simple, willing to settle, comfort-loving individuals who dare not. But for those of you inspired by the mere possibility of having a powerhouse relationship, I promise your life’s treasure hunt to find what you’re looking for, your fortitude in not settling, your faithful resilience, and your passionate quest will not be done in vain. I promise that no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can conceive what is in store for those treasure hunters determined to discover life’s greatest fortune, a love worthy of the hunt.

Pictures courtesy of: Mathforum, Oceangrams

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Our success in Ecuador continued today in spending more time with the children in the markets. We took pictures with them and oh how excited they were! They were eager to see what they looked like on film and I even had a couple of sisters dying to model for me. They dragged me to a scenic spot in front of a far wall and then grabbed my hand to promptly bring me to the slides for another photo op.

The more time we spend with these kids though, the more apparent their need for help is. One boy showed up with bruises and several of the children have cuts on their faces and bodies. As we all called out “Hasta Lunes” to each other on Friday, I wondered what situations many of these kids would go home to over the weekend. It is clear that some parents don’t want any responsibility for their kids. As Paloma experienced in here first day working in the markets, one woman simply handed her baby to her, saying “I’m leaving her in your care,” the woman obviously eager to get rid of her child for a few hours.

It seems like such a little thing—to play games such as “Simon Says,” to teach them the colors, to help them color pictures of clocks and cut out the hands to practice telling the time. But as I’m learning on this trip–this is actually the biggest thing you can do for a child—spend time with them and give them attention and affection. It is clear these kids have none of these things at home. Even with the little I can communicate with them, they are eager to climb into my lap at any opportunity, touch my hair, hold my hand and are desperate to hold on.

The parents of these kids are really just trying to survive and so they view their children as a means to help bring in income, handing their six or seven year olds bags of fruit to sell in the market. The children are treated like employees, rather than family—and it is clear how abandoned they are as a result. The evidence of abuse and neglectful parents is overwhelming.

The common thinking is that money is how change happens, that nothing big can happen in the world without money. Sure it helps. It makes things easier sometimes—I’m not going to lie that it helped get us to Ecuador. But the truth of it is that these kids really just need to be loved, be made to feel important, even for only a few hours a day. This is the real base of true change. Having interacted with these kids, I’ve realized how important the power of love is in our world today. The need for love and compassion in these kids’ lives is overwhelming. Letting go of their little hands every day is heartbreaking, however what we’ve imprinted in them will hopefully last a lifetime.

It is amazing how powerful this trip has been so far, life changing even. Both of us want to encourage all of you  to have your every day experiences change you also. Let love change you. The power of showing compassion and love to those around you is incredible and it will move you to do things you never thought possible. You do not have to travel around the world or leave your home to do so. On the contrary, start where it matters most… your backyard. Don’t hesitate to let your family and friends know how much you care and love them. Help a neighbor in need. Smile at a stranger. Play with a kid. Lend an ear. Start a conversation. The atrocities in this world are countless, but the biggest one is the lack of love and compassion for the human life. I encourage and challenge every single one of you to practice what it means to love those around you and show compassion to those in need.

R and P

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Whether you believe homosexuality is biologically hardwired or a matter of choice, the fact remains that our society has been living in a hetero-homo binary. You’re either gay or straight – maybe bi – and that’s it. These three categories have been considered to be mutually exclusive and sexual identity to be as simple as checking the applicable box. But as many will tell you, it’s not that easy.

For women, maybe love really is blind when it comes to gender. Within the past few years, a new understanding of female sexuality has emerged. Studying the growing number of women leaving men for other women, researchers have coined the term “sexual fluidity” to explain the collapsing boundaries of sexual orientation.

Cynthia Nixon, star of Sex and the City, became one of the most high-profile cases of sexual fluidity when she began seeing a woman after ending a 15-year relationship with a man. She told the Daily Mirror, “I have been with men all my life and had never met a woman I had fallen in love with before. But when I did, it didn’t seem so strange. It didn’t change who I am. I’m just a woman who fell in love with a woman.”

Lisa Diamond, associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, is accredited for bringing this controversial subject to the academic table. Her 2008 book Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire explores the changing nature of female sexuality, citing scientific research and her own studies of nearly 100 women who have experienced same-sex attraction.

“People always ask me if this research means everyone is bisexual. No, it doesn’t,” Diamond tells O, The Oprah Magazine. “Fluidity represents a capacity to respond erotically in unexpected ways due to particular situations or relationships. It doesn’t appear to be something [anyone] can control.”

And as research suggests, this fluidity is more common in women than men. In a ground-breaking 2004 study at Northwestern University, both gay and straight female subjects became sexually aroused at heterosexual and lesbian erotic films. Male subjects, on the other hand, responded only toward films aimed at their sexual orientation. Since past research has been conducted mostly on men, this report opened the field on female sexuality and has encouraged further studies that have since supported women’s greater capacity for sexual vacillation.

But sexuality isn’t limited to the physiological phenomenon of blood rushing to genitals. Emotions play a huge part in who we find attractive, and Diamond has discovered that sexual fluidity stems from “being attracted to the person, not the gender.”

In an interview with the Boston Globe, Diamond quotes one woman who revealed that “deep down, it’s just a matter of who I meet and fall in love with, and it’s not their body, it’s something

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The severe thunderstorm warnings finally subsided. In fact, the sun came out with such intensity that the rain didn’t stand a chance for the rest of the evening. A half-hour before the ceremony, our friends pitched in to drag 200 chairs from under the tent where they had been set up with the assumption the ceremony would be completely washed out.

From that moment on, nothing could have been more perfect. We ate, drank, laughed, danced and even roasted marshmallows. Many of our friends camped out in tents and then we all greeted the sunrise on Sunday morning. I can honestly say that it may have been, to date, the best day/evening/night/dawn/morning of my life. And I’m 99 percent positive Ben agrees.

On the 43-hour drive back to Los Angeles, Ben and I filled each other in on the moments the other had missed and relived the moments we shared. We decided that our vows were exciting, our dance was lovely and that the weather, food, cake, speeches and even the dancing were all amazing. But the very best thing about everything was watching our parents smile, our families relax and all of our friends come together to celebrate with us. It meant so much that so many people cared to show up despite the mud and chance of stormy weather.

Aside from providing the opportunity to have the best and biggest party of our lives, marriage hasn’t changed our relationship much. I don’t think Ben suddenly has a ball-and-chain attached to his ankle. I still have boys for friends and girls’ nights out. And neither of us expect the other to act or live differently. We talk about following our individual dreams and supporting each other in any way we can. We discuss making decisions based upon what is best for our family — which for now consists of him and me, as well as our dog Big.

When I catch a glimpse of the ring on his finger, I must admit I smile and feel this giddy rush of happiness. I feel confident that, like me, he is willing and proud to display this extraordinary symbol of our commitment to each other.

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“I wish he was…”
“Why isn’t he like…”
“Why can’t he be more…”

These sentences kept monopolizing the conversation when a group of girlfriends and I had lunch the other day. No matter how hard we tried to change the subject, this one kept creeping back in.

In the beginning of relationships, it’s absolutely romantic and thrilling. Your eyes meet. Butterflies  in your stomach. Loss of breath. Late night talks. A permanent smile across your face. Then your hands touch for the first time. It’s absolutely perfect. Anything more than the warmth of each other’s hands might spoil the moment.

You’re excited and accepting of everything the other person is. They explain their flaws and it just makes you care for them more.

Two weeks. A couple of months. Possibly a year.

Your “idea” of them starts to dwindle away and your eyes begin to open. The exhilarating feeling is slowly subsiding. Something new is making its way into the relationship: comfort.

Why do we automatically think that the sensation of comfort and the everyday is necessarily a bad thing? Why do we associate the next level of a relationship to be mundane?

It doesn’t help that our memorable romantic characters, like Bella and Edward, Nick and Norah, Sookie and Bill, are constantly living in a relationship surrounded by non-stop passion. We rarely get the experience to witness their everyday. Maybe because the majority of people believe that’s the boring part of relationships.

Then we start to think, is it time to leave? Or maybe we should help change the other person?

As women, we need to stop playing dress up with our significant other. We are automatically drawn to the role of fixer upper. I do this all the time… and I’m married!

We need to learn how to compromise. And I don’t mean compromise the other person and groom them to what we would like them to become. Compromise. Meaning WE need to let go of our bad habits and meet them half way.

I don’t claim to be some relationship guru but I do see what I’m doing and what my friends tend to do with their partners. It’s futile and, if we keep at it (regardless of if we’re married or dating, engaged or just talking), we’ll be alone soon.

I didn’t even realize that I was putting unrealistic expectations on my hubby until that troubling luncheon with my girlfriends. That’s when I took the time to revisit why I originally fell in love. All those little flaws I used to love.

After days of wondering how I have accumulated a laundry list of changes for my husband, it finally dawned on me.

His faults are why I fell for him. They’re why I still love him. They’re what made him human. They’re why he needs me. And my faults are part of why I need him. They’re why we are partners.

photo by ximena s. lennon

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I spent the past week in Minnesota for no other reason than my brother graduated from law school and the entire family flew into town to support and celebrate his endeavors. Like any graduation weekend, it was complete chaos. Between the 15 of us, there were five hotel rooms, four rental cars, and two kids under the age of three. You can imagine that choosing a restaurant alone necessitated an event planner.

The weekend was a ball of confusion, miscommunication, who’s riding in whose car, and why isn’t so-and-so answering his phone? For those of you who have big families, you know that it’s absolute mayhem trying to coordinate plans, to arrive anywhere on time, to have everyone happy at the same time and the frustration of our mother wanting to “keep everything running smoothly.”

However, despite the overwhelming stress, the lack of sleep (because nieces and nephews insist on waking you up two hours earlier than you would like), the 10 year sibling fires that get rekindled, and the unprecedented patience required for the molasses like progress we make, no matter what, we’re family and that’s what family does. The definition of family varies for everyone; it can be your closest friends, your teammates, or your coworkers but either way, it’s your “crew” and, for them, you’d do anything.

The beauty of my family is that at the end of the day we’re on the same team and when my brother walked across that stage, all the chaos, annoyance and frustration it took to get us to the graduation in the first place melted away and the Jones clan jumped to our feet, with tears running down our cheeks and cheered for Josh with more pride than if we’d just cured cancer. Suddenly, everything else became irrelevant and we were able to focus on the reason we were there in the first place.

That’s when it occurred to me that we put up with all the other stuff in life because we know that, when push comes to shove, we have a group of people who would do anything for us. The Jones family certainly isn’t perfect, we are a blend of half’s, step’s, and blurred lines that would make our family tree more of a spider web than anything remotely linear, but we have the one ingredient that supersedes everything else. We have unwavering, unconditional love for each other.

Relationships, in general, are not about being perfect or never butting heads; they’re about knowing that, in spite of all the imperfections, the ego, pride, mistakes, and hurt feelings, no one is going anywhere. My family certainly has our flaws, but when it’s time to rally, the Jones crew is willing to weather any storm because we know all hands will be on deck and if we lose someone overboard, you better believe we aren’t leaving that man behind.

Because, at the end of the day, relationships are messy, dramatic and, at times, can make you want to commit a homicide, but my goodness they are worth it when you’re sick and need someone to bring you soup and crackers. The people who can push your buttons like no one else are the same people who can cheer you up during life’s greatest disappointments and believe in you when it seems like everyone in world has turned their backs on you.

Regardless of who I “grow up to be,” of what contributions I leave this world (big or small) and despite what mistakes I’m sure to make, the foundation of who I am and my self worth remains unaffected because it’s made of unbreakable titanium: my family.

While I enjoy the uninterrupted sleep, the simplicity of my own schedule and the peacefulness of my beautiful apartment, I wouldn’t trade a minute of Jones drama – for they are and always will be the best part of who I am. Thank you, family, for an incredible weekend and reminding me of what really matters in life, something easily forgotten here in La La Land.

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As most of you know, I grew up in a locker room of living rooms, aka a household with four older brothers. In high school, when I’d come home I’d more often than not walk into a living room of 15 guys playing video games, none of which were even my brothers. We kind of had a revolving door and it only shifted into the Jones College frat house as we got older.

And the beauty of growing up in the Jones’ household was that, more often than not, I gained fly on the wall status so I was privy to the real conversations guys have when they think no girls are listening. While these conversations would shock you, I truly think that they would give you insight to a sex that is so unbelievably unlike us that it’s fascinating to wonder how we’re ever supposed to find love with one another when we’re as different as birds and fish.

Either way, in college I was the “dude translator.” I grew a reputation for being the girl who could decipher the code that is man thought. Then it occurred to me that if there were more direct communication between men and women, we could drop the games, the mind manipulation and the miscommunication. I know way too many girls who have spent WAY too much time trying to figure out what he meant by the awkward hug at the end of the night.

The time we spend thinking about what he is actually thinking about is consuming, futile, and, 99% of the time, WRONG. So, rather than continue having the blind leading the blind, I figured, why not have an event where we bring in guys who will be honest, candid and forthright to give us insight into the brotherhood of masculinity?

Immediately I called up a few high profile boys here in Los Angeles who are also dear friends. I described the current dilemma of men and women not understanding one another. The best part is, while I thought I’d be calling in a favor, they were more than willing; in fact, they LOVED the idea.

So with that, THE MAN PANEL was created. We’re doing our first ever i am that girl event on May 31^st at the Westwood Brewing Company from 7-9pm. We’re bringing in a panel of guys and I’ll be hosting the event.

It’s the perfect girls night out and I guarantee you will not only laugh hysterically, but you’ll gain priceless insight on the male sex. Come join us and get your questions answered by the boys who know them best. It’s 15 bucks online and 18 at the door. We have a link to our Paypal account under “links” on the website and we want to get the word out so shout it from the roof tops, i am that girl presents, THE MAN PANEL… our insider’s guide to men, once and for all.

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It’s what scientists have nicknamed the “bonding hormone” or the “love hormone.” Not just for lovers, oxytocin levels rise in our blood when we genuinely care for another person, including friends and family. It plays an important part in the bond between mother and child, since large amounts of oxytocin are released during the contractions of childbirth. You might be familiar with the feeling of this hormone and neurotransmitter in your bloodstream if you recall the good feeling you get when you care for another person.

Though first understood as a hormone that only played a part in childbirth, recent studies have demonstrated it is more complex then originally assumed. As alluded to above, it may have an effect on how we bond with other people. This became a point of investigation when it was discovered that oxytocin levels shoot up in both males and females after an orgasm. Even more interestingly, the hormone affects the brain, but conversely the brain also affects the way the hormone works. This means, the stronger your care for another person, the stronger the effect of the hormone on you. A stronger bond may also help release higher levels of the hormone.

A recent study demonstrated this by measuring the oxytocin levels of females. Participants were asked to recall positive and negative experiences about their partners and were also given massages, since oxytocin is triggered by personal touch. But hormone levels did not rise uniformly across the participants when recalling positive experiences. Rather, the variable factor in whether the hormone rose had to do with the way participants rated the stability of their relationships.

This variable effect explains why some people feel a deepening bond with another person through sex, and others feel nothing at all. Sex or even an orgasm with another doesn’t necessarily mean your partner will be smitten with you, even though oxytocin rises from the orgasm contractions. Some scientists surmise that this hormone may play an important part in authentic monogamy because of this.

You can consciously create higher levels of oxytocin in your bloodstream, simply by touching, caressing and caring for another. This also might play a part in why people without this type of contact become skin hungry—that is long for the touch of others, not necessarily in a sexual context. Human touch, cuddling, and massage all feel good for us. The increased levels of oxytocin in your blood after a sensual massage may deepen your orgasm and sexual satisfaction.

Not only does oxytocin create good feelings, it has positive effects on the body including decreased levels of stress, reduced cravings, and increased sexual receptivity. I did happen to read about one company that produces an oxytocin nasal spray and promises many of these benefits from using the spray, but I can’t really attest to this. My advice? Find someone you care about and work on producing the hormone naturally. Even if it’s not your sack buddy, you’ll get some good feelings out of it.

photo by Andrius Mažeika

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