I totally sabotaged my relationship. He was smart, attractive, and brought out the best in me. Dating was great. It was casual but, at the same time, we weren’t seeing anyone else…and then he called me his girlfriend I freaked out. What was it about that word that made me unconsciously ruin an amazing relationship? The same reason so many other young women freak out: fear.

Fear can rear its ugly head in a variety of different ways especially when you become close with someone. We think of excuses to dislike the person, come up with ridiculous reasons to be single, and, in the end, we are uttering the regrettable words “they were the one that got away.” He didn’t “get away” if you pushed him out of your life. So what are we doing?

Common Excuses:

• “I need to find myself.” Really? Where have you been? You are with yourself everyday, if you pull this card, it is as immature as cheating. When you get in a relationship, this person should be a complement to who you are, currently. A healthy relationship will allow you to grow together. If you want to end it, use a better excuse.
• “I’ve been burned before.” Who hasn’t? If you’ve been in a relationship that was damaging, you are more than likely going to be fearful of a new, healthy one.  Explain this to your partner. Take it slow, but don’t end something that could be wonderful out of fear. Take a risk; see what happens. If not, you’ll always be wondering what could have been.
• “The grass is greener on the other side.” Do you ever go out with your single friends and they convince you that you were “more fun” when you were not in a relationship? But all it takes is a good talk with a single friend who is complaining about the awkward one-night stand she had last week to send you straight back to reality.
• Commitment = Suffocation. Nope, not really. Many women stray from getting into serious relationships because they fear it will be the end of their independence. If this is the case and your partner is preventing you from living your own life, then that is a warning sign to get out.  But if it’s just your fear that you will have to marry this one, take a deeper look at what is causing you to think this way. He may not be thinking this at all.

I was lucky. When I started to pull the “I’m not ready card,” he called me out. He said he knew I was afraid of commitment because I had been burned in the past. He knew my surly attitude was due to the fact that I was trying to push him away. He told me, “If you do this with every guy you meet, you’re going to attract men who disrespect you. If you push all the good ones away, you are only setting yourself up for failure.” I was floored, but guess what? I realized he was right.

photo by katie tegtmeyer

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In the previous article, “The Tangled Web We Weave,” we explained what enmeshed, and co-dependent relationships are. You, or someone you love, have become so tangled there’s a fear of losing all circulation. What do you do?

You’ve decided it’s time to have your own personality again, but where do you start?

• Reconnect with old friends, or develop new friendships with co-workers.  Plan a happy hour or dinner without your better half in order to change up your routine. It will also strengthen your relationship if you are able to have friends outside of “our friends” or “us”.
• Workout, do something healthy for YOU.  Take up a class at the gym, go for a walk or run by yourself, or get a bi-weekly massage.  You can’t be your best in your relationship and life if you don’t put your needs and health first.
• If you find yourself unable to make decisions, even small ones, without the opinion of your significant other: start small. Buy a shirt you like, or pick out dinner without calling them for reassurance.

How do you gently guide your partner onto a similar (but separate) path?

• Set boundaries and compromise with your partner.  For example, “I am getting distracted at work with lots of text messages; do you think we can limit them until after 5 unless there is an emergency?”
• Depending on how sensitive your partner is, you may need to prep them before acting on any decisions, such as making dinner plans with friends or going out with the girls. Give them a head’s up so they can make their own plans.
• Visit your families, alone. Getting back to your roots will help you remember who you were without this person in your life.
• Talk to your partner about feelings without blaming them. This is the best way to begin change from both parties.

Danger Zone! You’re still in the web if you or your partner start exhibiting any of the following behaviors!

• Not being supportive of the other persons need for space.
• Untrusting behavior; texting multiple times while the other is with friends. Reading their email or looking through their phone without permission.
• Using emotional blackmail to make the decision maker feel guilty for doing something without their partner. Many women withhold sex or play the “poor me” game when they feel insecure. Withholding sex can be one of the precursors to cheating.
• Verbal or physical abuse by either person. No matter what the issue is, this is not okay and must be handled immediately.

When these red flags emerge and cannot be fixed through good communication, then it’s time to seek out professional help such as individual and couple’s counseling.  If it has pushed you too far and you are emotionally “done,” you need to leave the relationship, at least for the time being.  Seek counseling to explore reasons to learn about your relationship patterns, and how to grow individually.

photo by katie tegtmeyer

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