I totally sabotaged my relationship. He was smart, attractive, and brought out the best in me. Dating was great. It was casual but, at the same time, we weren’t seeing anyone else…and then he called me his girlfriend I freaked out. What was it about that word that made me unconsciously ruin an amazing relationship? The same reason so many other young women freak out: fear.

Fear can rear its ugly head in a variety of different ways especially when you become close with someone. We think of excuses to dislike the person, come up with ridiculous reasons to be single, and, in the end, we are uttering the regrettable words “they were the one that got away.” He didn’t “get away” if you pushed him out of your life. So what are we doing?

Common Excuses:

• “I need to find myself.” Really? Where have you been? You are with yourself everyday, if you pull this card, it is as immature as cheating. When you get in a relationship, this person should be a complement to who you are, currently. A healthy relationship will allow you to grow together. If you want to end it, use a better excuse.
• “I’ve been burned before.” Who hasn’t? If you’ve been in a relationship that was damaging, you are more than likely going to be fearful of a new, healthy one.  Explain this to your partner. Take it slow, but don’t end something that could be wonderful out of fear. Take a risk; see what happens. If not, you’ll always be wondering what could have been.
• “The grass is greener on the other side.” Do you ever go out with your single friends and they convince you that you were “more fun” when you were not in a relationship? But all it takes is a good talk with a single friend who is complaining about the awkward one-night stand she had last week to send you straight back to reality.
• Commitment = Suffocation. Nope, not really. Many women stray from getting into serious relationships because they fear it will be the end of their independence. If this is the case and your partner is preventing you from living your own life, then that is a warning sign to get out.  But if it’s just your fear that you will have to marry this one, take a deeper look at what is causing you to think this way. He may not be thinking this at all.

I was lucky. When I started to pull the “I’m not ready card,” he called me out. He said he knew I was afraid of commitment because I had been burned in the past. He knew my surly attitude was due to the fact that I was trying to push him away. He told me, “If you do this with every guy you meet, you’re going to attract men who disrespect you. If you push all the good ones away, you are only setting yourself up for failure.” I was floored, but guess what? I realized he was right.

photo by katie tegtmeyer

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In the world of science, a black hole refers to an area with a gravitational force so strong that nothing –not even light –can escape it. In the less distant, yet equally mysterious world of relationships, there exists an abyss notoriously known as the Boyfriend Black Hole (BBH).

Most of us have experienced it and many of us have even slipped into it –that time and space of a new relationship, where it’s all too easy to slip away from the girl galaxy and into the couple chasm. When your BFF’s “ladies nights” are replaced by “date nights” it’s natural to feel exiled to Pluto. Fortunately, unlike nature’s black holes, the BBH is not necessarily an infinite vacuum. There are ways to evaluate and adjust to this orbital shift, and like the Big Bang, create order out of chaos.

Step 1: Evaluate what feels different –is it the quality or the quantity of time spent together that has changed? Think about those good friends who live in different cities, or even across the world. Although you don’t experience day-to-day life together, you remain close.

Step 2: If you conclude that the dynamics of your friendship remain intact, practice reminding yourself of this. Communicate your needs to your friend. It’s possible that she may also be struggling. Dealing with the situation together could bring you even closer.

What if you conclude that the dynamics of your friendship are not intact?

Talk it Out. Approaching your friend to confront your concerns is usually successful –but proceed with caution. While it’s natural to feel angry and hurt, try to stay even-toned and non-accusatory. Your friend may be aware of the change in the cosmos, but she may not realize its affect on you. In addition to being overwhelming, change affects multiple facets of one’s life, and it can take time to understand and manage it. However, you don’t have to sit back and wait for your friend to find her way –instead, your feedback can help her get her planets in alignment.

Love is Patient. Granted, not all relationships are the same. You may be wary of confrontation, your friend may struggle with accepting criticism or for whatever reason, you may decide that the best course of action is no action at all. If this is the case, you are choosing to accept the new terms of the friendship. This is not necessarily a bad thing nor is it writing your friend off. However, if you choose this course, make sure that you adjust your expectations to fit the new dynamic.

Before assuming that the new dynamic is a reflection of her feelings toward your friendship, remember that people differ in their ability to achieve balance and even the most earnest falter from time to time. The lack of ladies nights may be due to your friend’s gradual orientation to the change. It’s likely that if you hold on tight to that lifeline, you’ll eventually pull her back out of the BBH abyss.

photo by mason

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