As a generation of overachievers, we feel entitled to have the perfect life the moment we envision it. Everything must be accessible at the speed of a mouse click, and the lives we embark on must provide a clear route to our future. Gen Y has no patience for ambiguity, and this includes our personal lives. Courtship has always been one huge gray area, especially in its beginning stages when we don’t know where the flirtation is going. So to allay the stress of the unknown, we have those infamous DTRs – the “define the relationship” talks. But what do those talks really mean? And if we’re confident in our feelings, are those labels really necessary?

The always awkward talks arise from our need for definitions, boundaries, and tangibility. A bit of mystery characterizes every romance – it’s what makes the chase so thrilling and the other person so intriguing. Yet there comes a time when the mystery gets old. The unknown is unnerving, particularly when it comes to emotions (where we’re the most vulnerable). With our hearts on the line, we need to know where we stand in the other’s eyes. And the only way to achieve that is to put ourselves out there and ask the inevitable, “So what are we doing with each other?”

But whether we’re the initiators or the avoiders of those conversations, we need to first determine if we’re ready for such demarcation. As a generation, we don’t like to waste our time. Our lives must be planned out as soon as we graduate, that new job must put us on the fast track to our dream career, and any significant other must be worthy of the long term or we don’t date at all. We don’t gamble our futures, so the pressure to solidify or deny the uncertain really puts us in a corner when it comes to our emotional well-being.

There are those whose need for structure takes over, and they rush into romantic situations for which they’re not prepared. We all know someone who has been blindsided into the girlfriend status (or perhaps someone who has done the blindsiding). And any pairings that arise from those instances are doomed to fail.

Then there are those like me, who will deny until their dying day all romantic entanglements. It’s the flip side of our generation’s intolerance for ambiguity—a fear-of rather than a compulsion-for definition. If all that matters is emotions, why do we need to pin them down when we’re sure of what we feel? Unfortunately deliberate ignorance is also an equation for catastrophe. Resolving nothing, it only pushes aside those pesky matters of the heart until they rear their messy heads again.

Though uncomfortable to the max, “define the relationship” talks are crucial to developing healthy romantic interactions. We’re not the only ones whose hearts are at stake, and we can’t forget about the other person’s feelings in our selfish quests for specificity or denial. But timing is everything here. Having these conversations too soon or too late in the courtship may spell disaster. Progress happens in due time. If your partner isn’t ready for a certain label, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re ready to kick you to the curb. Relax and enjoy the courtship. Bode your time, take heed of your emotions, and most importantly, listen to your partner.

courtship, dating, dtr, gen y, Generation Y, label, language, relationship, romance Hide

alexis jones, beauty, bellism, gen y, Generation Y, i am that girl, iatg, social responsibility Hide

Generation Y, born roughly between 1977 and 2000, has been referred to as the Look-at-Me Generation, the Dumbest Generation, the Entitlement Generation, and many other not so flattering epithets.  “Young people today,” writes Jean Twenge, author of Generation Me, “have been consistently taught to put their own needs first and to focus on feeling good about themselves.”  Confounded with a substantial increase in individualistic marketing schemes, the “everybody wins” trophy trend in children’s sports, and the numerous effects of internet and technological advancements, the result is what Twenge calls Gen Y’s “cotton candy sense of self with no basis.”  We’ve been told we can do everything, but are we really doing anything?

In a recent USA Today article, Sharon Jayson explains that many Gen Y college grads “still haven’t a clue about what to do with their lives.”  A 2006 survey by the Pew Research Center may indicate that instead of allowing Gen Y to achieve tangible goals, self-centeredness has put many heads in the clouds.  81% of 18- to 25-year-olds said that getting rich was their number one goal.  51% said being famous was one of their top two goals.  These beat out helping those in need (30%) and being leaders in their community (22%).

It seems that under the surface much of Gen Y is actually under-confident and searching for something more.  We live and revel in status updates, instant gratification, materialism, and are constantly told we need more and should be more.  We are constantly connected, rarely alone and introspective, and hopelessly defined by what we buy and own.  This kind of pressure inherently creates a never-good-enough, never-satisfied mentality, and self-actualization and happiness seem possible only by way of imagined cure-alls, specifically money and fame.

But some Gen Yers are looking to selfless acts to fill this void.  “College students today are not only going abroad to study in record numbers,” Thomas Friedman writes in the NY Times, “but they are also going abroad to build homes for the poor in El Salvador in record numbers or volunteering at AIDS clinics in record numbers.”  Friedman calls this group Generation Quiet, those “quietly pursuing their idealism, at home and abroad.”  These Gen Yers join Facebook causes, wear t-shirts touting social justice and environmentalist slogans, they volunteer at home and abroad, but are they really making a difference?

Friedman sees Gen Y as “much more optimistic and idealistic than they should be,” but insists that these ideals aren’t transforming into effective action.  “They are so much less radical and politically engaged than they need to be… an online petition or a mouse click for carbon neutrality won’t cut it.”  If Gen Y wants to thrive as adults, we will have to get involved, get loud and demand the change we need and want.  As Friedman lucidly puts it, “If they are not spitting mad, well, then they’re just not paying attention.”

Generalizations and speculations about Gen Y’s traits and impact will continue, but it’s clear that many young adults need to reassess their priorities.  As Gen Y grows up, the question will, and should, hang over our heads: will we ever harness all that confidence and do something positive with it?

photo by simon robic

entitlement, facebook, gen y, generation me, generation quiet, Generation Y, jean twenge, pew research center, sharon jayson, study abroad, thomas friedman, usa today, y generation Hide

Hooked up. Got together. Fooled around. Messed around. Got play. It’s the language of a generation, our generation, but what does it all mean?  We use these terms to describe some kind of sexual interaction.  It could be a bit of kissing or it could be any type of sex. It could be with a friend or a guy whose name you don’t know or just can’t remember.  But ultimately, it’s a technique for isolation.

We don’t always like to think about it or allow it to be true, but the way we talk says a lot about who we are.  From regional dialects which use words like “y’all” or “wicked” to job specific vocabulary, much of what you say reveals something about you.  And the way we speak when it comes to sex says more about our generation than we are willing to say to one another.

No one can enter into my personal life unless I invite them in with particular detail.  Otherwise, I can build a wall.  “Oh, I hooked up with Jason last night.”  And what is the response we get for clarity?  “Hooked up hooked up or just hooked up?”  What does this mean?  Obviously, it’s telling of some sort of sexual progression but what?  That’s exactly the point.  Only the speaker is allowed to know.  Everyone else is left in ambiguity, shut out by the speaker’s sense of personal space and self-protection.

That protection could be from fear of judgment. No one likes to open themselves up to ridicule or disdain—especially when it comes to sex.  We’ve grown up with terms applied to girls like “slut” or “easy” or “skank” or “whore.”  We shout them out at one another or whisper it under our breaths and invite guys to do the same.  And though we may occasionally dish the terms out, in jest or in truth, we prefer to give and not take.  So we mask our sexual lives with terms like “fooled around.”

Even “went to bed” or “slept together” can be taken literally or figuratively.  Have you ever had that conversation where your friend and some guy slept together and you think you know what she means until she says, “but all we did was sleep?”  Sometimes it strikes me as odd that a statement like that needs to be amended. And these are some of the more clear-cut versions of our hook up vernacular.

A conservative might say we use protective terminology because we aren’t supposed to be engaging in sexual activity whereas a more liberal person might contend that we have been trained to think that female sexuality shouldn’t exist, let alone be discussed in any public or semi-public forum.  Either way, the result is we censor ourselves, locking ourselves into miscommunications and misconceptions.  We shy away from candor so that we can create a glossy veneer that is translucent but not transparent…and no one seems to notice. The result is no one knows the most personal level of who we are, the most vulnerable and most honest level; we don’t let them.  And by using such ambiguity with others, we can often lose sight of who we really are.

Did you know that if you tell yourself something enough, you’ll begin to believe it’s true? Try this experiment on soda. Tell yourself you don’t like sodas. Say it out loud in a group at your next venture to a restaurant. Remind yourself when you see soda.  “Ew.  I don’t really like that.”  Soon not only will you never drink it but you really will not like it.

The power of words is incredible and here we are using phrases without finite meanings. It’s deception.  The only question is why are you doing it?  To distance yourself from your own cognizant mind or to distance yourself from your friends?  It’s definitely not distancing you from the guys you’re making out with or having oral sex with. What you’re really saying with those words is that you trust a guy enough to have sex with him but you don’t trust your friends to admit it to them. It’s a remarkable foundation for friendship, don’t you think?

photo by valeria c. preisler

Birds and Bees, casual sex, friendship, gen y, Generation Y, hook up, language, sex Hide

The Y generation. The most over- stressed, over- scheduled, over- medicated generation in history. We have been told since the time that we were born that we were special and destiny was calling our name. We believe we are capable of doing anything and each awaiting that magic short cut in life that shot me past my competition every time in Candy Land. We’re sick of the BS, shoot us straight or don’t waste our time. We’d rather text than call you and we don’t mind working 12 hour days if we can choose the hours. We work hard, play hard and often have unrealistic, unattainable expectations.

Now I feel I can properly articulate a bit about ME and MY generation, what’s difficult for me to swallow are PhD analysts at 65 pretending to understand any of our pressures, expectations, motives, desires, feelings and attitudes about things. It reminds of the scene in Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams (playing a therapist) looks as Matt Damon (playing a cocky kid from Boston) and says, “You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you?”

I don’t think that just because you sample a few thousand kids, do a dozen focus groups and conduct blind surveys that someone can confidently speak on behalf of OUR generation. A person may gain some insight, they may understand us better and have a better grasp over our thoughts in the broadest of senses, but I find it difficult to listen to someone lecture to me, about MY thoughts.

I found it hilarious that while I was at a benefit dinner the other night a person sitting across from me who was easily twice my age was a self proclaimed “expert” on the Y generation. My girlfriend sitting next to me smiled broadly and said, “That’s interesting because Alexis has also been referred to as an expert in the field.” (Which again, I always wince at the term “expert” because it sounds so  pretentious) but either way, he made a patronizing comment similar to the “Michael Bolton- look alike” in Good Will Hunting (yes my favorite movie) and I could not help but take advantage of the situation. Our conversation went something like this…

Man: So you agree that the Y generation is made up of ADD kids who have had a sense of entitlement from the moment they were born?

Me: Well, no. But IF that were the case it would be a product of your generation’s parenting. I think WE (me included) are a generation of people with more options in life than you could fathom considering then our “ADD” is us learning to balance ten things for every one of yours. A sense of entitlement is knowing we are capable of so much and proactively seeking it rather than waiting for someone to do it for us, empowered, not entitled.

Man: I believe the “Y” generation is disconnected and shrugs off responsibilities and commitment.

Me: Disconnected? Have you heard of facebook/myspace? (of which he hadn’t an account on either, but had “heard” of it) I think we are one of the most connected generations actually, because we have the technology to support it. Even if we aren’t getting together in person on a day-to-day basis, we are able to stay involved in each other’s lives even living oceans apart. As for “shrugging” off responsibility and commitment, I think we just became disenchanted with the “American Dream” and don’t want to work at a job for 25 years doing something we hate just so we can retire in a crack jack box house too old to actually travel and enjoy our retirement.

Man: (huffy and puffy at this point) You just don’t understand how hard we had to work for what we have and none of you can appreciate anything.

Me:  Wow. Well, I don’t think it’s an entire generation who shares those sentiments. I think we very much believe in working hard, but we require more motives than a paycheck. We have to believe in what we are doing, and when we find that outlet, there is no stopping us. As for being an “expert” as you and I have been referred to, I think it’s imperative that while we may study in great detail the behavior and trends for an entire group of people, that at the end of the day, it’s dangerous when we start making broad, sweeping generalizations about any group of people and even more dangerous when we start believing in titles such as “expert.”

Our conversation promptly ended. My girlfriend and I grabbed our glasses of champagne and headed to the dance floor. Lesson 101 for “Experts” on Generation Y, one thing you should know about us, is don’t talk for us, on behalf of us, or patronize us; everyone has their buttons and that is certainly one of ours.

Generation Y Hide