It’s what scientists have nicknamed the “bonding hormone” or the “love hormone.” Not just for lovers, oxytocin levels rise in our blood when we genuinely care for another person, including friends and family. It plays an important part in the bond between mother and child, since large amounts of oxytocin are released during the contractions of childbirth. You might be familiar with the feeling of this hormone and neurotransmitter in your bloodstream if you recall the good feeling you get when you care for another person.

Though first understood as a hormone that only played a part in childbirth, recent studies have demonstrated it is more complex then originally assumed. As alluded to above, it may have an effect on how we bond with other people. This became a point of investigation when it was discovered that oxytocin levels shoot up in both males and females after an orgasm. Even more interestingly, the hormone affects the brain, but conversely the brain also affects the way the hormone works. This means, the stronger your care for another person, the stronger the effect of the hormone on you. A stronger bond may also help release higher levels of the hormone.

A recent study demonstrated this by measuring the oxytocin levels of females. Participants were asked to recall positive and negative experiences about their partners and were also given massages, since oxytocin is triggered by personal touch. But hormone levels did not rise uniformly across the participants when recalling positive experiences. Rather, the variable factor in whether the hormone rose had to do with the way participants rated the stability of their relationships.

This variable effect explains why some people feel a deepening bond with another person through sex, and others feel nothing at all. Sex or even an orgasm with another doesn’t necessarily mean your partner will be smitten with you, even though oxytocin rises from the orgasm contractions. Some scientists surmise that this hormone may play an important part in authentic monogamy because of this.

You can consciously create higher levels of oxytocin in your bloodstream, simply by touching, caressing and caring for another. This also might play a part in why people without this type of contact become skin hungry—that is long for the touch of others, not necessarily in a sexual context. Human touch, cuddling, and massage all feel good for us. The increased levels of oxytocin in your blood after a sensual massage may deepen your orgasm and sexual satisfaction.

Not only does oxytocin create good feelings, it has positive effects on the body including decreased levels of stress, reduced cravings, and increased sexual receptivity. I did happen to read about one company that produces an oxytocin nasal spray and promises many of these benefits from using the spray, but I can’t really attest to this. My advice? Find someone you care about and work on producing the hormone naturally. Even if it’s not your sack buddy, you’ll get some good feelings out of it.

photo by Andrius Mažeika

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Yes, I am happily married. Yes, I know my husband better than I know myself. Having said that, NO, I am NOT all knowing when it comes to the opposite sex.

These few sentences have been a recurring response to several of my single friends in recent conversations. Lately I haven’t been able to get away from this topic. No matter where I turn, questions about unlocking the male psyche intrude upon my day.

Whether it’s the Celestial bodies, the Earth’s tides or magnetic pull, something must be off. This is the only reasoning I have come up with to make sense of this recent phenomenon.

My favorite occurrence was when my friends tell me about their conversations with dates and then ask me to translate what they REALLY mean. And I guess, since I was able to unlock the mysteries of one guy, apparently that makes me the dude whisperer. (And, yes, I am aware that I just gave myself a new nickname at the iatg offices.)

It’s hard for me to relate since I haven’t dated in years and my relationship consists of reworking my conversation skills. Strangely enough, we actually say what we mean and get rid of the subtext. (FYI: That’s the bad stuff that always gets people in trouble.)

“OMG, our date just got pushed back? What do you think that means?”

“What if I’m not the only one dating multiple people?”

“Do you think it’s purely physical?”

Honestly, I don’t know. Your date could either be dwelling on the little things like you or may not be sweating all these insignificant details. So I say, instead of wasting all that worrying energy on an unknown variable, why not shrug it off and give yourself a break? Take advantage and get your beauty sleep.

But I hear all these stories about the guy saying he’ll call or he may be busy this week and so on. And an instant migraine erupts in my head.

Honestly, I can’t imagine going back to those wondering dating days. But if I had any words of wisdom to pass down to my fellow single females, it would be…be honest. Not aggressive, just honest. It’s a waste of your time and your date’s if you’re not showing your true colors. (This is where I insert the song “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper and suggest you go first to Cyndi before you hit up your nearest shackled chick to divine what to do.)

Sorry, my friends, the only man code I can break is my partner’s.

photo by jason scragz

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Ever been soooo into your new beau, and you just can’t seem to get enough of each other, and when you finally surface for air you realize *poof* all you friends have disappeared? You’ve stumbled into the tangled mess of an overly dependent, or “enmeshed” relationship.

Tiff was a great friend in college and early in our careers. She was the one who always called first on my birthday—the friend who never missed anything.  Then, about a year ago, she began dating Joey.  Slowly I started to hear less from her, as did most of our mutual friends.  Whenever she called, it would be all about her and Joey. She missed my birthday because Joey had a lacrosse game. She forgot to call her mom for a week. She had been so busy preparing for Joey’s surprise party that her mom called me asking if I had heard from her.

Tiff and Joey were no longer separate entities but a fused couple.

Experts agree that when individuals become overly dependent on one another it’s not a healthy relationship. Partners should have separate interests, the ability to maintain healthy relationships with friends and family independent of their partner, and, most importantly, each person is a whole, not using each other to create a feeling of being whole.

Overdependence in relationships has become more common. I am sure you know a few girlfriends who graduated college, got in a relationship, and before you knew it were completely different people. When people have trust issues, difficulty establishing healthy boundaries, or are dealing with major transitions, they tend to gravitate towards others who can fulfill those needs. These people often hold the same needs to be wanted and loved unconditionally, but don’t know how to do this without the “all or nothing mentality” of an enmeshed relationship.

Before you end up bound and gagged, here are some red flags:
•    Friends and family tell you your relationship isn’t healthy, but you ignore them.
•    You “can’t get through the day” unless you talk to your significant other.
•    You argue if your feelings and opinions aren’t the same.
•    You’ve lost contact with previously good friends and family.
•    They must meet your emotional needs in order for you to feel complete.
•    You share an email/Facebook/Twitter account.
•    You’re unhappy when you are not with the other person.
•    Your call/text message log is more than 75% from (or to) your significant other.
•    You’re unable to function socially when they’re not available.

Upset, Tiff contacted me a few weeks ago.  One of her best friends from college was getting married, and she had no idea until she saw it on Facebook.  “I mean we were such good friends I can’t believe I wasn’t even invited, let alone a bridesmaid!”  She said.

“You’re right. You were good friends,”  I responded. “But now who are your friends?  I mean you can’t expect to be in a wedding if you haven’t paid attention to your friends in years!  Relationships, just like friendships, are reciprocal, at least the healthy ones are.”

photo by david blaikie

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You’re either in it, or you’re not. And if you’re in it, then it’s a veritable black hole of platonic interactions and nearly there interludes. I’m talking about the friend zone – the inescapable territory for nice guys and girls everywhere.

People are either friends for life or romantic prospects and, once set, those definitions are nigh impossible to escape. If you haven’t been held back by the friend label, then you’ve probably tried to enforce that barrier on someone else. Regardless of which side of the line you’re on, negotiating that boundary is always awkward and often complicated. So to ease the stress, here are some tips to lead you through the treacherous track.

SCENARIO 1: A total hottie comes to be part of your circle of friends, but the vibe between you is more friendly banter than flying sparks.

DO ask for some one-on-one time. Suggest something innocuous like coffee or lunch where you can be comfortable yet intimate. See if that cutie lives up to your expectations and if there’s potential for something more than friendship.

DON’T plan a candle-lit dinner. Go slow, or risk appearing too intense. Another no-no: getting drunk to loosen up around your crush. Slurring is always a turn-off, and you’ll just come off as unattractive and immature.

SCENARIO 2: Congrats! You’ve met that special someone. Too bad it’s your long-time friend who looks at you like a sister.

DO assess your emotions, and determine if they’re worth the gamble – disclosing your feelings might add undue tension. But if you must, do so gently in a casual setting. The truth goes a long way. And at the very least, your friend will be flattered to know you care.

DON’T blindside your friend with an over-the-top confession. Make the reveal as comfortable as it can be. But remember to be kind to yourself, too. Don’t bottle up your feelings just because you want to preserve the friendship. You never know what could happen if you never try.

SCENARIO 3: Your dating drought finally ends with an invitation to dinner. You’d be more excited if it wasn’t from a friend of a friend for whom you have no interest.

DO be open. One date won’t hurt, and your suitor might surprise you. But if you’re sure it’s strictly friendly, be polite with a definite no. There’s nothing worse than unintentionally leading someone on just because you’re trying to be nice to a friend’s friend.

DON’T act embarrassed after declining. Keep the rapport pleasant since you’re bound to see each other again when hanging out with your mutual buddy.

SCENARIO 4: Your BFF makes a move on you after 10+ years of friendship. You like things the way they are, but you don’t want to strain the relationship.

DO be honest. You owe your best friend the truth, even though it may be tough to hear. And give your friend time afterward, if needed, to cope with the refusal. Rejection is difficult, especially when it comes from someone so dear.

DON’T freak out. Though easier said than done, remaining calm and as un-awkward as possible will save your friend some face. Don’t ignore the situation either. It will only aggravate your relationship with that person in the future.

photo by ana kunst

bff, dating, emotion, friend, friend zone, relationship, romance Hide