I write this from the vantage point of the table situated in my bay window, looking out at the world passing slowly by, hampered by sheets of icy rain and howling winds. Bring on Spring, and hopefully the sunshine will remember us Brits sometime soon! To be honest, the weather is slowly improving, today being more the exception than the rule. As the days get longer and milder, it’s rapidly approaching wardrobe-switching time. Out with the deliciously thick and comforting wool, in with thin layers. This Spring, it’s all about light denim and pastel florals. By equipping your Spring/Summer wardrobe with cute white racer-back vests, stonewash denim shorts and thin jersey floral cardigans, denim Harem pants, wedge sandals and cropped white tees, you can hit the trend dead-on with separates that offer a plethora of combinations. Sandals are a must as the weather improves, but as a cyclist (check out my gorgeous new bike!) you have to watch the danger of them falling off! Combat this with a pair of gladiators, or this season’s fave ― the sandal with cute leather cuffs, you can save your feet and stay stylish.

So as you ladies already know, I am a freelance writer, but I also work in events. As well as the Science Festival (all over for another year ― phew!) I’ve taken on some work with the Sellindge Music Festival. This is a reasonably new festival to the UK circuit, but it is kicking butt with a fantastic line-up, some great arenas and offers a truly chilled-out start to the summer. All this work is keeping me very busy, and means it’s harder than ever to fit in a social life, let alone a love life! So, we come back to that thorny topic of love vs. life. My girlfriends and I were recently talking about age, and its importance (or not) in a relationship. We’ve all had different experiences of age-related issues, and all have different taste in men. LB likes to date around her own age, JC likes the guy to be perhaps a couple of years older, NS doesn’t really have a type, and I definitely prefer the older man. But age can often be an issue.

So, for the next month, I have managed to persuade some of my ladies to keep a dating diary, and we’ll see what the results yield. Will the boys win out over the men? I’ll keep you posted!

British Bellist, Carrie Barclay, cyclist, dating, Sellindge Music Festival, Spring/Summer wardrobe, uk Hide

Anyone who watches TV is bound to have seen one of the many reality dating shows. There’s one on nearly every channel from “Blind Date” to “Flavor of Love” to “Next.” The most notorious dating show, however, has to be ABC’s “The Bachelor” (and its spinoff, “The Bachelorette”).

For people who has never seen the show, here’s a run-down. A really good-looking guy, usually with a successful career, gets to choose between a group of women. They are eliminated weekly after he spends time on dates with them. The dates vary from group to individual dates and are often not very long. He eventually proposes to one final woman at the end of the season, after about three months.

My roommates love the show. I have some problems with it. As far as I know, only two couples have made it to marriage. The original Bachelorette, Trista and, recently, Bachelor Jason (although he broke up with the woman he originally chose, Melissa, on the show to be with the runner-up, Molly). This guy is allowed to date multiple women at the same time without any of them having a problem with it. They know what they’re getting into when they volunteer for the show. No woman I’ve ever encountered, however, has been OK with sharing her significant other. Why do we accept this as “reality,” and why are we so drawn to it?

In an interview with People magazine in 2004, Amanda Marsh, who was the choice of first Bachelor, Alex Michel, said of her failed relationship, “I thought I was falling in love. Looking back, it’s just not possible. It’s not reality.”

It’s not just the contestants who are drawn into this world of make believe, but viewers as well. The show perpetuates the idea that we as women have to be competitors with one another, fighting to be the prettiest, smartest, funniest all in order to win the guy. These women are being judged daily, and, if by the end of the episode she is rose-less, it means she wasn’t “good enough.” Men, on the other hand, believe that women are there for the choosing; they’re objects in the dating marketplace.

In a study published in the Journal of Communication in 2007 about reality television dating shows, three prevalent themes were found; that women are sexual objects, that dating is a game, and men are driven by sexual desire. The study also found that men who watch these shows, and other shows with similar themes, are more likely to adopt these attitudes in their everyday lives.

One may argue, “What about “The Bachelorette?” It’s the same concept just reversed; one woman is judging a bunch of men.” But, it really isn’t the same. Our society condones the behavior in “The Bachelor” and sees “The Bachelorette” as a rare occurrence, just a show. The competition and attitudes about women conveyed in “The Bachelor” are very real.

abc, Ashley Thill, dating, reality shows, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette Hide

Combine a dash of humility, a pinch of sarcasm and a healthy serving of juicy love tales with low-calorie, homemade recipes and you make up the heart of Erin Bolger’s highly successful book, The Happy Baker: A Dater’s Guide to Emotional Baking. With over 300,000 copies sold, this self-published female author and professional makeup artist employs her craft in the kitchen along with her personal dating disasters to create a cookbook that defies the norm and epitomizes “emotional baking.”

“Emotional baking is my therapy,” Bolger explains. “I forget about everything when I bake: the good, the bad and the fugly. Emotional baking has way less calories than emotional eating!”

Raised in a rural town in Ontario, Bolger didn’t let the small-town upbringing interfere with her big-time ambitions. The journey to get from predominantly unknown to thriving took a lot of hard work and research. Bolger knew nothing of the publishing world but contacted fellow authors and explored the best means of marketing and then began to piece all the parts together.“A lot is common sense and a lot is going with your gut instinct,” says Bolger.

Since appearing on Dragon’s Den (a CBC television show where entrepreneurs pitch their business concepts to a panel of Canadian business moguls) and receiving endorsement from Arlene Dickinson, Bolger has enjoyed the benefits of television exposure which helped her to realize outstanding sales.

Bolger is at a point in her life where she would rather be “single and happy than in a relationship and unhappy.” The underlying message she would like conveyed through The Happy Baker is to “be yourself no matter what the norm is.” She says that growing up with red hair and glasses was a challenge in itself but she always stayed true to her own style and maintained confidence in herself. In fact, when choosing pictures to put in her cookbook she included a playful photo of her wearing pleather pants playing baseball. This is a testament to her witty spirit and ability to be comfortable in her own skin.

When asked if any of her love interests and dating disasters have contacted her since the release of the book in order to re-write their recipe titles, Bolger laughed. “I’m a feisty redhead,” she expresses. “What’s done is done. Some of them have actually contacted me to apologize and they support my new venture.”

Bolger certainly has a lot of supporters and her success will only continue to grow. She hopes to launch a series of books or even a television program and doesn’t hold any limits to the possibilities that await her. Unlike the title of her recipe, “Short on Love, not on Shortbread,” I have nothing but love for Bolger and her creative enterprise. Now, I am off to try and make her delectable dessert, “My Mom Didn’t Like You Anyway Cupcakes!”

Learn more about this book and author by clicking here.

dating, Dragon's Den, Erin Bolger, Genevieve Castonguay, recipes, The Happy Baker: A Dater’s Guide to Emotional Baking Hide

I totally sabotaged my relationship. He was smart, attractive, and brought out the best in me. Dating was great. It was casual but, at the same time, we weren’t seeing anyone else…and then he called me his girlfriend I freaked out. What was it about that word that made me unconsciously ruin an amazing relationship? The same reason so many other young women freak out: fear.

Fear can rear its ugly head in a variety of different ways especially when you become close with someone. We think of excuses to dislike the person, come up with ridiculous reasons to be single, and, in the end, we are uttering the regrettable words “they were the one that got away.” He didn’t “get away” if you pushed him out of your life. So what are we doing?

Common Excuses:

• “I need to find myself.” Really? Where have you been? You are with yourself everyday, if you pull this card, it is as immature as cheating. When you get in a relationship, this person should be a complement to who you are, currently. A healthy relationship will allow you to grow together. If you want to end it, use a better excuse.
• “I’ve been burned before.” Who hasn’t? If you’ve been in a relationship that was damaging, you are more than likely going to be fearful of a new, healthy one.  Explain this to your partner. Take it slow, but don’t end something that could be wonderful out of fear. Take a risk; see what happens. If not, you’ll always be wondering what could have been.
• “The grass is greener on the other side.” Do you ever go out with your single friends and they convince you that you were “more fun” when you were not in a relationship? But all it takes is a good talk with a single friend who is complaining about the awkward one-night stand she had last week to send you straight back to reality.
• Commitment = Suffocation. Nope, not really. Many women stray from getting into serious relationships because they fear it will be the end of their independence. If this is the case and your partner is preventing you from living your own life, then that is a warning sign to get out.  But if it’s just your fear that you will have to marry this one, take a deeper look at what is causing you to think this way. He may not be thinking this at all.

I was lucky. When I started to pull the “I’m not ready card,” he called me out. He said he knew I was afraid of commitment because I had been burned in the past. He knew my surly attitude was due to the fact that I was trying to push him away. He told me, “If you do this with every guy you meet, you’re going to attract men who disrespect you. If you push all the good ones away, you are only setting yourself up for failure.” I was floored, but guess what? I realized he was right.

photo by katie tegtmeyer

boyfriend, commitment, dating, fear, girlfriend, independence, relationship Hide

“I wish he was…”
“Why isn’t he like…”
“Why can’t he be more…”

These sentences kept monopolizing the conversation when a group of girlfriends and I had lunch the other day. No matter how hard we tried to change the subject, this one kept creeping back in.

In the beginning of relationships, it’s absolutely romantic and thrilling. Your eyes meet. Butterflies  in your stomach. Loss of breath. Late night talks. A permanent smile across your face. Then your hands touch for the first time. It’s absolutely perfect. Anything more than the warmth of each other’s hands might spoil the moment.

You’re excited and accepting of everything the other person is. They explain their flaws and it just makes you care for them more.

Two weeks. A couple of months. Possibly a year.

Your “idea” of them starts to dwindle away and your eyes begin to open. The exhilarating feeling is slowly subsiding. Something new is making its way into the relationship: comfort.

Why do we automatically think that the sensation of comfort and the everyday is necessarily a bad thing? Why do we associate the next level of a relationship to be mundane?

It doesn’t help that our memorable romantic characters, like Bella and Edward, Nick and Norah, Sookie and Bill, are constantly living in a relationship surrounded by non-stop passion. We rarely get the experience to witness their everyday. Maybe because the majority of people believe that’s the boring part of relationships.

Then we start to think, is it time to leave? Or maybe we should help change the other person?

As women, we need to stop playing dress up with our significant other. We are automatically drawn to the role of fixer upper. I do this all the time… and I’m married!

We need to learn how to compromise. And I don’t mean compromise the other person and groom them to what we would like them to become. Compromise. Meaning WE need to let go of our bad habits and meet them half way.

I don’t claim to be some relationship guru but I do see what I’m doing and what my friends tend to do with their partners. It’s futile and, if we keep at it (regardless of if we’re married or dating, engaged or just talking), we’ll be alone soon.

I didn’t even realize that I was putting unrealistic expectations on my hubby until that troubling luncheon with my girlfriends. That’s when I took the time to revisit why I originally fell in love. All those little flaws I used to love.

After days of wondering how I have accumulated a laundry list of changes for my husband, it finally dawned on me.

His faults are why I fell for him. They’re why I still love him. They’re what made him human. They’re why he needs me. And my faults are part of why I need him. They’re why we are partners.

photo by ximena s. lennon

dating, friendship, guys, love, marriage, partner, relationship, significant other Hide

There are three types of men who many of us (unfortunately) have dated. But, when we’re in these toxic relationships we don’t see it—I know I’ve been there. If I had listened to the wisdom of my friends, and my gut instincts, I would have saved myself some serious time, not to mention heartache.

The Narcissist. This guy chews you up and spits you out—leaving you feeling like a lost puppy, and no idea how it happened. In the beginning, he appears like prince charming, but once you’re infatuated, he uses you to boost his ego.

• He assumes you’re down with his plans. Since when did your date nights turn into sports bars with his friends?
• He belittles you for having different opinions or attempts to make you feel wrong. “I can’t believe you’re mad at me for sleeping on her couch rather than driving after drinking! We’re just friends; you’re so crazy.”
• He avoids conversations in which he has to be emotionally responsible.
• His attempts to “talk about” the relationships come in the form of emails, text messages, or worse yet, no contact at all.

The Cling-On. We mistake his over-attentiveness for a genuine connection. When we look back it’s clear he really just needs another person to feel complete.

• He refers to guy friends in the “past tense” and rarely hangs out with other men.
• Weekend plans consist of you, you, you, work, or family engagements.
• He has a history of “serious relationships,” and has been engaged or married multiple times.
• In the first weeks or months of the relationship, he wants to make serious plans such as plan a vacation, meet the family, give you a key to his place, or even move-in.
• When you begin to assert space, it becomes a “relationship crisis” and he must be reassured.

The Controller. His over-protectiveness is charming…at first. Then you begin to realize that his need to be in control is really insecurity. Your friends start disappearing and you’re left feeling suffocated.

• He needs to be aware of what you are up-to. Multiple calls or texts, showing up without calling (stalking you) when you make plans with friends or family.
• He is allowed to hang with his buddies, but makes you feel guilty for wanting girl time or personal space.
• You find yourself logging out of email accounts and locking your phone to protect your privacy and dispel fights.
• Makes you feel responsible for his emotional well-being.

The important thing to realize here, girls, is that these guys won’t change. It’s true that these toxic characteristics can be healthy, but only in small doses.  As we all know, too much of a good thing can actually be a red flag for future failure in relationships. Be aware, smart, and listen to the advice of your girlfriends because it’s usually easier to see these warning signs from the outside.

photo by michael lokner

control, dating, emotional health, guys, narcissist, prince charming, relationship Hide

As most of you know, I grew up in a locker room of living rooms, aka a household with four older brothers. In high school, when I’d come home I’d more often than not walk into a living room of 15 guys playing video games, none of which were even my brothers. We kind of had a revolving door and it only shifted into the Jones College frat house as we got older.

And the beauty of growing up in the Jones’ household was that, more often than not, I gained fly on the wall status so I was privy to the real conversations guys have when they think no girls are listening. While these conversations would shock you, I truly think that they would give you insight to a sex that is so unbelievably unlike us that it’s fascinating to wonder how we’re ever supposed to find love with one another when we’re as different as birds and fish.

Either way, in college I was the “dude translator.” I grew a reputation for being the girl who could decipher the code that is man thought. Then it occurred to me that if there were more direct communication between men and women, we could drop the games, the mind manipulation and the miscommunication. I know way too many girls who have spent WAY too much time trying to figure out what he meant by the awkward hug at the end of the night.

The time we spend thinking about what he is actually thinking about is consuming, futile, and, 99% of the time, WRONG. So, rather than continue having the blind leading the blind, I figured, why not have an event where we bring in guys who will be honest, candid and forthright to give us insight into the brotherhood of masculinity?

Immediately I called up a few high profile boys here in Los Angeles who are also dear friends. I described the current dilemma of men and women not understanding one another. The best part is, while I thought I’d be calling in a favor, they were more than willing; in fact, they LOVED the idea.

So with that, THE MAN PANEL was created. We’re doing our first ever i am that girl event on May 31^st at the Westwood Brewing Company from 7-9pm. We’re bringing in a panel of guys and I’ll be hosting the event.

It’s the perfect girls night out and I guarantee you will not only laugh hysterically, but you’ll gain priceless insight on the male sex. Come join us and get your questions answered by the boys who know them best. It’s 15 bucks online and 18 at the door. We have a link to our Paypal account under “links” on the website and we want to get the word out so shout it from the roof tops, i am that girl presents, THE MAN PANEL… our insider’s guide to men, once and for all.

Birds and Bees, communication, courtship, dating, i am that girl, iatg, los angeles, love, man panel Hide

It’s month three of my online dating and as I sail through the ‘Net, I’m feeling a lot more poised at the helm. I still encounter the occasional iceberg, but with seasoned sea legs and a more trained eye, it’s easier to steer clear of dangerous waters.

If you’re a landlubber diving into online dating, here are some tips to help navigate the sea of prospects …

Full Speed Ahead:
•    He actually thought about his profile. One Mr. Maybe said that he was looking for a girl who “doesn’t count the carbs in her beer but knows where her salad fork is.” Using specifics to describe an overall quality, like valuing one’s health, shows thoughtfulness and maturity.
•    He shows and tells. Anyone can be spontaneous on paper, but if he mentions the time he wound up backstage during a rained-out concert, you know he’s more than just talk.

Test The Waters:
•    His profile reads like a resume. He doesn’t quote your favorite film or share your love for Labradors, but you’re intrigued by his passion for ethnic food and dream vacation spot. Send him an email to see if he opens up.
•    He’s funny, but maybe too funny. “Hurryimbalding” had me laughing from the start—he was sarcastic, claimed to be a mac and cheese maestro and his pictures verified a full head of hair. But when we met for coffee, I found a soft-spoken guy who barely made eye contact. Making sure I hadn’t confused Hurry with another match, I joked about Kraft versus Velveeta Shells; when he didn’t seem to get it, I reminded him of his profile. “Oh,” he mumbled. “My roommate actually wrote that …” I excused myself on the basis of false advertising.
•    You can see what he likes, but can’t see him. Pics that show your match in exotic places, doing extreme sports or with a bunch of friends can be tempting. But stop and ask yourself why, out of a handful of images, none show his face? It may be worth meeting in person—that is, if you can ID him.

Abandon Ship:
•    What he’s looking for is more exact than an algorithm.
•    He’s just not that into it. A particularly vague profile could mean that he is ambivalent toward dating in general—and who wants a lukewarm love when you can have red-hot romance?
•    His favorite things are beer, bros and barhopping.
•    He gets too up close and personal. One prospect stated on his profile that he believes “sex is only true way to get to know someone.” Really?!?
•    He posted pics in a bathing suit, or worse yet, in his underwear. Mayday!

While the “Abandon Ship” bullets are general red flags to keep an eye out for, remember that everyone’s emergency manual will read differently. Keep some cliff notes that remind you of specific traits that you’re looking for in a match, and your search should go swimmingly. Trust your instinct, carry a spare life jacket, and bon voyage!

carbs, dating, health, internet, mac and cheese, online dating, profile, relationship Hide

Ever been soooo into your new beau, and you just can’t seem to get enough of each other, and when you finally surface for air you realize *poof* all you friends have disappeared? You’ve stumbled into the tangled mess of an overly dependent, or “enmeshed” relationship.

Tiff was a great friend in college and early in our careers. She was the one who always called first on my birthday—the friend who never missed anything.  Then, about a year ago, she began dating Joey.  Slowly I started to hear less from her, as did most of our mutual friends.  Whenever she called, it would be all about her and Joey. She missed my birthday because Joey had a lacrosse game. She forgot to call her mom for a week. She had been so busy preparing for Joey’s surprise party that her mom called me asking if I had heard from her.

Tiff and Joey were no longer separate entities but a fused couple.

Experts agree that when individuals become overly dependent on one another it’s not a healthy relationship. Partners should have separate interests, the ability to maintain healthy relationships with friends and family independent of their partner, and, most importantly, each person is a whole, not using each other to create a feeling of being whole.

Overdependence in relationships has become more common. I am sure you know a few girlfriends who graduated college, got in a relationship, and before you knew it were completely different people. When people have trust issues, difficulty establishing healthy boundaries, or are dealing with major transitions, they tend to gravitate towards others who can fulfill those needs. These people often hold the same needs to be wanted and loved unconditionally, but don’t know how to do this without the “all or nothing mentality” of an enmeshed relationship.

Before you end up bound and gagged, here are some red flags:
•    Friends and family tell you your relationship isn’t healthy, but you ignore them.
•    You “can’t get through the day” unless you talk to your significant other.
•    You argue if your feelings and opinions aren’t the same.
•    You’ve lost contact with previously good friends and family.
•    They must meet your emotional needs in order for you to feel complete.
•    You share an email/Facebook/Twitter account.
•    You’re unhappy when you are not with the other person.
•    Your call/text message log is more than 75% from (or to) your significant other.
•    You’re unable to function socially when they’re not available.

Upset, Tiff contacted me a few weeks ago.  One of her best friends from college was getting married, and she had no idea until she saw it on Facebook.  “I mean we were such good friends I can’t believe I wasn’t even invited, let alone a bridesmaid!”  She said.

“You’re right. You were good friends,”  I responded. “But now who are your friends?  I mean you can’t expect to be in a wedding if you haven’t paid attention to your friends in years!  Relationships, just like friendships, are reciprocal, at least the healthy ones are.”

photo by david blaikie

couple, dating, enmeshed, facebook, friend, relationship, significant other, twitter Hide

You’re either in it, or you’re not. And if you’re in it, then it’s a veritable black hole of platonic interactions and nearly there interludes. I’m talking about the friend zone – the inescapable territory for nice guys and girls everywhere.

People are either friends for life or romantic prospects and, once set, those definitions are nigh impossible to escape. If you haven’t been held back by the friend label, then you’ve probably tried to enforce that barrier on someone else. Regardless of which side of the line you’re on, negotiating that boundary is always awkward and often complicated. So to ease the stress, here are some tips to lead you through the treacherous track.

SCENARIO 1: A total hottie comes to be part of your circle of friends, but the vibe between you is more friendly banter than flying sparks.

DO ask for some one-on-one time. Suggest something innocuous like coffee or lunch where you can be comfortable yet intimate. See if that cutie lives up to your expectations and if there’s potential for something more than friendship.

DON’T plan a candle-lit dinner. Go slow, or risk appearing too intense. Another no-no: getting drunk to loosen up around your crush. Slurring is always a turn-off, and you’ll just come off as unattractive and immature.

SCENARIO 2: Congrats! You’ve met that special someone. Too bad it’s your long-time friend who looks at you like a sister.

DO assess your emotions, and determine if they’re worth the gamble – disclosing your feelings might add undue tension. But if you must, do so gently in a casual setting. The truth goes a long way. And at the very least, your friend will be flattered to know you care.

DON’T blindside your friend with an over-the-top confession. Make the reveal as comfortable as it can be. But remember to be kind to yourself, too. Don’t bottle up your feelings just because you want to preserve the friendship. You never know what could happen if you never try.

SCENARIO 3: Your dating drought finally ends with an invitation to dinner. You’d be more excited if it wasn’t from a friend of a friend for whom you have no interest.

DO be open. One date won’t hurt, and your suitor might surprise you. But if you’re sure it’s strictly friendly, be polite with a definite no. There’s nothing worse than unintentionally leading someone on just because you’re trying to be nice to a friend’s friend.

DON’T act embarrassed after declining. Keep the rapport pleasant since you’re bound to see each other again when hanging out with your mutual buddy.

SCENARIO 4: Your BFF makes a move on you after 10+ years of friendship. You like things the way they are, but you don’t want to strain the relationship.

DO be honest. You owe your best friend the truth, even though it may be tough to hear. And give your friend time afterward, if needed, to cope with the refusal. Rejection is difficult, especially when it comes from someone so dear.

DON’T freak out. Though easier said than done, remaining calm and as un-awkward as possible will save your friend some face. Don’t ignore the situation either. It will only aggravate your relationship with that person in the future.

photo by ana kunst

bff, dating, emotion, friend, friend zone, relationship, romance Hide