Image courtesy of Communicationmatters.org.uk

Anyone that has ever been through a breakup knows that the process consists of an extended course composed of several different parts. Communication theorists suggest that relationship dissolution occurs through a long-term psychological process. The actual breakup is merely a product of the four necessary stages that take place in order to unveil the underlying truth.

Social conflict and doubt are the components that often times lead to relationship dissolution. When one partner senses any sort of doubt in the other, the intrapsychic stage kicks in and partners begin to assess the relationship woes in their heads. The point of this stage is to come to terms with the dissatisfaction that is felt, but not to convey it to the partner. The person feels a sense of grievance but does not necessarily proceed to the next stage if the practice of venting or reflection is adequate in relieving the sense of negativity felt about the relationship.

Otherwise, if this lack of communication continues, dissatisfied partners move into the dyadic stage, when the dissatisfied begins to instigate a sit down to discuss the issues at hand. During this dyadic phase relational partners can assess, confront, threaten, or make amends. Either way, it is likely that each person will be confronted with unknown perspectives on the relationship presented by the other person.

And this is where I’m stuck. I’ve only had one serious relationship in my 20 years of life. I’ve never had to deal with a real breakup before, at least not one where I had actual feelings and attachment involved. After being in a relationship for almost two years, I constantly find myself wanting more and needing more from my partner. The problem is, my partner tells me I expect too much. (An idea I just can’t seem to grasp.) I don’t expect the person I’m with to bow down to my feet and kiss my toes at every step or even bring me flowers everyday, but I do expect to be treated as an equal investor.

Using what I have learned about relationship dissolution to my benefit, I now commence in interpersonal reflection more often to better understand my feelings on situations. All the relationship advice columns actually turned out to be right. Good communication flow is the optimal ingredient in making any relationship work. The majority of my relational problems stem from bad communication. Since telephones are barely used and have now been replaced by text messaging, more and more information is being lost in translation. I cannot count how many arguments I have gotten into because of some misinterpretation in a text message.

In order to survive the dyadic phase, partners must realize that singular events do not create a breakup. Disintegration is a process. A process of built up miscommunication. If you really want your relationship to work than interaction and honesty are essential.

Birds and Bees, communication, Danielle Francis, dyadic stage, intrapsychic stage Hide

We held our first event on Sunday night at the Westwood Brew Co and, despite the lack of sleep building up to the event, the butterflies in my stomach the morning of and the insanity of hosting in general, it simply could not have gone better. Our whole concept of the Man Panel originated out of a simple yet candid conversation I had with one of my closest guy friends over (pathetic to admit) why I haven’t dated in over a year. Naturally I have my personal excuses “I’m so busy” and my “high standards,” but the reality is that guys typically don’t ask me out.

My guy friend, who calls me “Jonsey,” had incredible insight on what messages I was sending, how I was coming across and the immediate walls I put up when first being introduced to a guy. And I’ll be honest, ladies, things I’ve NEVER thought of before were the very things I was doing that supposedly put guys in the friend zone before they even had a chance to dip their toe in the dating water.

After a sobering two hour conversation, incredible insight and revelations into my dating life, I realized that there really is a massive miscommunication going on between men and women. We say one thing and mean another; they do one thing and we think they mean another. We speak with subtle nuances and body language; they respond in ambiguous grunts and “huhs.” Regardless, the current men/women issue is not that we don’t love each other, that we don’t both want to have incredible relationships, or aren’t willing to work for them, it’s that they speak Mandarin Chinese and we speak Russian. Worse, we’re surprised when our miscommunication ends in yet another fight, argument or frustrating spat over why he did or didn’t do something that was really important to us.

The divorce rate is over 60% folks! I’m really not a fan of those odds. I think we seriously need to bridge the communication Grand Canyon gap that has chicks on one side and guys on the other. At the end of the day, we know that some 90% (a randomly made up, but you get the point statistic) fights are merely a miscommunication so let’s start translating and learning each other’s native tongues.

I think it’s JUST as important that guys learn to read and write girl talk as ladies need to fluently speak boy talk. Thus, the MAN PANEL was born. However, keep in mind that i am that girl is chick empowerment with an EDGE so naturally we weren’t going to do a dry, stale seminar/workshop in some boring classroom with desks and spirals to jot down notes. No, we’d much rather do it at a bad @#% local bar, bring in a great live band, have good food, strong drinks and a panel of hotties up on stage answering all the intimate questions girls always wanted to know and never get the chance to ask. We wanted to recreate the conversation that guys have when no girls are around… and we did just that!

The most compelling part of the night was the fact that our panel of young men unanimously confessed that the most beautiful thing about a woman is her confidence, that if you’re comfortable in your own skin, there is nothing more sexy. It’s not about what you wear or what you look like as much as just being you that the most attractive. While there were certainly some other issues touched on: leaving baggage at the door, advice for the bedroom, and a mini lesson on honesty, the girls left with a mini cheat sheet into the world that is MAN.

Overall, the event was incredible. The turnout surpassed our expectations, the panel of guys was both hysterical and endearing, the band rocked, the audience was stoked and I think every guy and every girl in that room walked away with a kernel of insight into better understanding his or her counterpart. At the end of the day, men and women are different species with different languages and ways of communicating but, my goodness, what an incredible challenge it is to find that co-pilot for life, your adventure buddy and best friend who’s going to love you and all of your flaws.

So if you missed our first Man Panel, don’t worry, by the overwhelming responses we’ve gotten and the hoards of new questions already submitted, looks like there will be another soon on the horizon. In the meantime, next time you have the chance, ask the guys in your life, “What are some things you wish girls really understood about guys?” and, trust me, you’ll be teleported into a world you never knew existed.

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Have you ever been in an argument or situation where the other person just doesn’t get it?  It’s like they have tunnel vision and can’t even attempt to put themselves in your shoes. It can be the most frustrating situation ever, and next to impossible to keep your cool. Here are a few steps to enhance any communication nightmare, and get the outcome you desire.

Before you attempt to talk to someone about your disagreement or explain what you want out of a situation, remember a few key things:

• Be in a place that is conducive to conversation. Steer clear of restaurants at their prime hours or places you are likely to run into someone you know. Try a neutral place such as a park, outside café (in a corner seat), or go on a walk.
• Put your phone on silent. There is nothing worse then being interrupted. It will derail your thought process and makes it seem you think this is a trivial conversation.

Try the DEAR MAN approach from the Dialectal Behavioral Model:

Describe the current situation, don’t judge, and stick to the facts. “I want to talk about the argument we had.”
Express your feelings about the situation; don’t assume the other person knows.  Feelings also create empathy (pick an emotionally charged word like disappointed or hurt). Use phrases such as “I want” or “I feel” rather than “you should” or “I need”.  “When you call me _____ it makes me feel like _____.”
Assert your wishes; say what you want from the other person. “In the future I want you to think of how your words affect me.”
Reinforce what you want. “I would appreciate it if you would no longer call me _____.”

Mindful in what you want; you may even act like a broken record if they interrupt or devalue what you are asking for. “Please respect me and in the future avoid calling me _____.  It would make me feel so much more important to you.”
Appear confident. If you use a confident tone, physical stance (eye-contact is a must) and respect yourself, the other person will not read you as nagging them with your needs. When you show that this is important to you, it will become important to them.
Negotiate with them. Allow some room for their requests as well. After you say your piece, respect them as you would want them to respect you. Listen and maintain eye-contact. Try the formula “I hear you saying that you feel _____ (repeat their feeling or come up with it based on what they say) and would like me to spend more time with you.” If this is not effective, turn the tables, “What would you suggest we do to repair this situation?”

Despite everything, remember to keep your head up and stick to your wants and needs.  When someone takes advantage once, they’re bound to do it again.

photo by mostly sunshine photos

argument, behavior, communication, dear man, dialectal behavioral model, disagreement, resolution Hide

I didn’t grow up wanting to be an interior designer. In high school, I planned the Senior Prom. The experience was fun and slightly glamorous, but was also extremely stressful.

I went to film school, graduated and started writing for an entertainment magazine. But I didn’t really have an outlet for my creativity, so I headed back to school. Design school was so much harder than I imagined. Between writing papers on different styles of furniture and taking color theory classes, I had huge projects to complete in very short periods of time (just like a real interior designer).

Interior design is like creating a 3-D collage. Not surprisingly, it requires more than a good eye to be successful. I had to use math I learned ages ago, and draw in perspective. My architectural drawings were a little messy and weren’t perfectly straight. (Thank God for computer design programs!)

Here’s what I learned it takes to be an interior designer:

Passion. Just like any profession, it’s important to be excited about the job. Do you love shopping for antique fixtures? Do you rearrange your friend’s furniture? Then interior design might be a good fit.

Organizational Skills. Fabric swatches, floor plans and paint samples are involved, but half of the work revolves around paperwork. When you start out as a design assistant at a firm, you’ll probably be in charge of ordering furniture, fabrics and accessories. You’ll need to expedite these orders and make sure everything happens on time. So it’s imperative you’re organized.

Teamwork. There are so many people involved in the design process, including vendors (like painters and upholsters), as well as fellow design team members. You have to work well with others.

Communication Skills. Since interior design involves communicating with both clients and vendors, you must be a descriptive writer, cordial on the phone and in person. Interior design is not for the timid. You need to appear confident in front of a client, and be able to communicate your vision. You’ll also have to make calls you don’t want to make (like pressuring vendors to deliver the product sooner).

Knowledge of Color, Fabrics and Furniture. As a designer, other people are relying on your eye. You need to know what looks good. Color theory is important in deciding how to design a room. You must know the basics in order to communicate with other designers and vendors.

Computer and Math Skills. Drafting tables once played a huge part in interior design. Now a successful designer must be able to use AutoCAD (a computer drafting program). Learning AutoCAD is like learning another language. Large design firms have special programs that require specific computer knowledge. General knowledge of math and measuring is necessary.

Stress Tolerance. There are tons of deadlines and pressure from clients to get everything done as soon as possible. There’s a lot of room for errors, since so many measurements are needed. Nobody’s perfect — but designers try to be.

photo courtesy of carrie kravetz

autoCAD, career, color theory, communication, computer, design, interior design, job, organization, passion, skills, stress, teamwork, vendors Hide

I stopped honking my horn a couple of years ago. These days, when I arrive at a friend’s house to pick them up, I type “here” on my cell phone key pad and push send. I send instant picture messages of things I see rather than describing them later, I text myself reminders instead of writing on my hand and I send mass invitations to my whole contact list so as not to exclude anyone. Texting is pretty darn convenient. Still, I’ve heard horror stories of texting debacles that have actually ruined relationships and I’ve experienced a few of my own mishaps that have encouraged me to be a little more cautious with my thumbs. Before you push send, heed some of the following advice:

Anger management. Face to face, even at the peak of rage, there is a split second before you say something terribly cruel when you anticipate the face of your opponent crinkling in sadness or hurt and either decide to go for it or soften the blow. It seems that the absence of a real person in front of you makes it easier to say something really awful — something you might regret or feel badly about later. Before you hit send, make sure you’re saying something you truly mean.

Sorry, wrong number. Once I had some real juicy gossip about friend #1 that I had to tell friend #2. Since friend #1 was on my mind, I inserted her address instead of friend #2’s. Oops….I had some serious explaining to do. If I had just made a real phone call I would have recognized friend #1’s voice immediately and pretended I had called for some other reason.

Remember etiquette. Relationships you don’t want to ruin: the one with the barista at your local coffee shop, the waitress at your favorite diner or the bartender at the watering hole you frequent. They are easy to maintain by simply being polite. Texting while you order, ignoring her questions while you text and making her wait to pay for your drinks while you check your phone is rude. If you want good service, be a good customer.

You don’t always hold the key. That lock feature can sure bite you in the bum later on. You can’t use “I never said for sure I would come to your play,” or “I never promised I would drive you to the airport” if it’s saved on someone’s phone. It’s practically a binding contract.

Avoid alienation. If you are texting your boyfriend through dinner with your best friend while she’s filling you in on her life, you might as well say, “I kind of care what you have to say, but not really.” Texting seems more civil in some way because it feels less intrusive, like you aren’t interrupting someone else’s story — but you are.

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I spent the past week in Minnesota for no other reason than my brother graduated from law school and the entire family flew into town to support and celebrate his endeavors. Like any graduation weekend, it was complete chaos. Between the 15 of us, there were five hotel rooms, four rental cars, and two kids under the age of three. You can imagine that choosing a restaurant alone necessitated an event planner.

The weekend was a ball of confusion, miscommunication, who’s riding in whose car, and why isn’t so-and-so answering his phone? For those of you who have big families, you know that it’s absolute mayhem trying to coordinate plans, to arrive anywhere on time, to have everyone happy at the same time and the frustration of our mother wanting to “keep everything running smoothly.”

However, despite the overwhelming stress, the lack of sleep (because nieces and nephews insist on waking you up two hours earlier than you would like), the 10 year sibling fires that get rekindled, and the unprecedented patience required for the molasses like progress we make, no matter what, we’re family and that’s what family does. The definition of family varies for everyone; it can be your closest friends, your teammates, or your coworkers but either way, it’s your “crew” and, for them, you’d do anything.

The beauty of my family is that at the end of the day we’re on the same team and when my brother walked across that stage, all the chaos, annoyance and frustration it took to get us to the graduation in the first place melted away and the Jones clan jumped to our feet, with tears running down our cheeks and cheered for Josh with more pride than if we’d just cured cancer. Suddenly, everything else became irrelevant and we were able to focus on the reason we were there in the first place.

That’s when it occurred to me that we put up with all the other stuff in life because we know that, when push comes to shove, we have a group of people who would do anything for us. The Jones family certainly isn’t perfect, we are a blend of half’s, step’s, and blurred lines that would make our family tree more of a spider web than anything remotely linear, but we have the one ingredient that supersedes everything else. We have unwavering, unconditional love for each other.

Relationships, in general, are not about being perfect or never butting heads; they’re about knowing that, in spite of all the imperfections, the ego, pride, mistakes, and hurt feelings, no one is going anywhere. My family certainly has our flaws, but when it’s time to rally, the Jones crew is willing to weather any storm because we know all hands will be on deck and if we lose someone overboard, you better believe we aren’t leaving that man behind.

Because, at the end of the day, relationships are messy, dramatic and, at times, can make you want to commit a homicide, but my goodness they are worth it when you’re sick and need someone to bring you soup and crackers. The people who can push your buttons like no one else are the same people who can cheer you up during life’s greatest disappointments and believe in you when it seems like everyone in world has turned their backs on you.

Regardless of who I “grow up to be,” of what contributions I leave this world (big or small) and despite what mistakes I’m sure to make, the foundation of who I am and my self worth remains unaffected because it’s made of unbreakable titanium: my family.

While I enjoy the uninterrupted sleep, the simplicity of my own schedule and the peacefulness of my beautiful apartment, I wouldn’t trade a minute of Jones drama – for they are and always will be the best part of who I am. Thank you, family, for an incredible weekend and reminding me of what really matters in life, something easily forgotten here in La La Land.

alexis jones, college, communication, conflict, family, graduation, love, minnesota, schedule Hide

As most of you know, I grew up in a locker room of living rooms, aka a household with four older brothers. In high school, when I’d come home I’d more often than not walk into a living room of 15 guys playing video games, none of which were even my brothers. We kind of had a revolving door and it only shifted into the Jones College frat house as we got older.

And the beauty of growing up in the Jones’ household was that, more often than not, I gained fly on the wall status so I was privy to the real conversations guys have when they think no girls are listening. While these conversations would shock you, I truly think that they would give you insight to a sex that is so unbelievably unlike us that it’s fascinating to wonder how we’re ever supposed to find love with one another when we’re as different as birds and fish.

Either way, in college I was the “dude translator.” I grew a reputation for being the girl who could decipher the code that is man thought. Then it occurred to me that if there were more direct communication between men and women, we could drop the games, the mind manipulation and the miscommunication. I know way too many girls who have spent WAY too much time trying to figure out what he meant by the awkward hug at the end of the night.

The time we spend thinking about what he is actually thinking about is consuming, futile, and, 99% of the time, WRONG. So, rather than continue having the blind leading the blind, I figured, why not have an event where we bring in guys who will be honest, candid and forthright to give us insight into the brotherhood of masculinity?

Immediately I called up a few high profile boys here in Los Angeles who are also dear friends. I described the current dilemma of men and women not understanding one another. The best part is, while I thought I’d be calling in a favor, they were more than willing; in fact, they LOVED the idea.

So with that, THE MAN PANEL was created. We’re doing our first ever i am that girl event on May 31^st at the Westwood Brewing Company from 7-9pm. We’re bringing in a panel of guys and I’ll be hosting the event.

It’s the perfect girls night out and I guarantee you will not only laugh hysterically, but you’ll gain priceless insight on the male sex. Come join us and get your questions answered by the boys who know them best. It’s 15 bucks online and 18 at the door. We have a link to our Paypal account under “links” on the website and we want to get the word out so shout it from the roof tops, i am that girl presents, THE MAN PANEL… our insider’s guide to men, once and for all.

Birds and Bees, communication, courtship, dating, i am that girl, iatg, los angeles, love, man panel Hide

Yes, I am happily married. Yes, I know my husband better than I know myself. Having said that, NO, I am NOT all knowing when it comes to the opposite sex.

These few sentences have been a recurring response to several of my single friends in recent conversations. Lately I haven’t been able to get away from this topic. No matter where I turn, questions about unlocking the male psyche intrude upon my day.

Whether it’s the Celestial bodies, the Earth’s tides or magnetic pull, something must be off. This is the only reasoning I have come up with to make sense of this recent phenomenon.

My favorite occurrence was when my friends tell me about their conversations with dates and then ask me to translate what they REALLY mean. And I guess, since I was able to unlock the mysteries of one guy, apparently that makes me the dude whisperer. (And, yes, I am aware that I just gave myself a new nickname at the iatg offices.)

It’s hard for me to relate since I haven’t dated in years and my relationship consists of reworking my conversation skills. Strangely enough, we actually say what we mean and get rid of the subtext. (FYI: That’s the bad stuff that always gets people in trouble.)

“OMG, our date just got pushed back? What do you think that means?”

“What if I’m not the only one dating multiple people?”

“Do you think it’s purely physical?”

Honestly, I don’t know. Your date could either be dwelling on the little things like you or may not be sweating all these insignificant details. So I say, instead of wasting all that worrying energy on an unknown variable, why not shrug it off and give yourself a break? Take advantage and get your beauty sleep.

But I hear all these stories about the guy saying he’ll call or he may be busy this week and so on. And an instant migraine erupts in my head.

Honestly, I can’t imagine going back to those wondering dating days. But if I had any words of wisdom to pass down to my fellow single females, it would be…be honest. Not aggressive, just honest. It’s a waste of your time and your date’s if you’re not showing your true colors. (This is where I insert the song “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper and suggest you go first to Cyndi before you hit up your nearest shackled chick to divine what to do.)

Sorry, my friends, the only man code I can break is my partner’s.

photo by jason scragz

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Transitioning from classroom to cubicle is no small feat; there are resumes to be updated, contacts to be followed and interviewers to dazzle—and that’s all before you even get the job. In Working World 101: The New Grad’s Guide to Getting a Job, authors Bridget Graham and Monique Reidy provide insight and give tips to help navigate the working world waters.

iatg: What makes your book different than other “career guides”?

Reidy: Ours isn’t just for finding a job—there’s a real emphasis on communication style. Any old book can tell you how to write a resume, but once you get in and have an audience [interviewer], what really makes or breaks it is how you conduct yourself as a professional.

Graham:The inspiration came from being in class with students and knowing I
had years of HR experience and communication knowledge that I really wanted to share with those who were about to start their career.

iatg: So what makes a good pep talk before an interview?

Graham:  Think of three people who absolutely, positively love you. Then have the confidence of thinking of those good qualities they love about you … Use that confidence in your interview.

Reidy: And it’s important to know that you will get rejected—but it’s never a failure. It’s all part of a lesson. Maybe the first interview isn’t so great but that’s okay because you can use it for the next time. Right out of college, don’t set your sights too high or too low. Never say you won’t try.

iatg: What’s the best career advice you’ve received?

Reidy: Do something you feel passionate about.

Graham: Do your best, even if you don’t like the job you’re doing. If you do a good job in a position that you don’t really want, most superiors will look at you and think, “If you’re doing that good at something you don’t like, imagine how good you’ll do with something that you do like.”

iatg: What part of the book are you proudest of?

Reidy: We had so many successful businesspeople share their experiences so we were able to include their strengths and weaknesses. It’s helpful to read about what executives look for when they see how you present yourself, perform and speak.

iatg: What should you do everyday to get closer to landing your dream job?

Graham: Make sure you keep in contact with people and check out job sites. Also, spread the news that you’re looking for a job. Never be embarrassed to let people know. In this economy, you need to stay positive but also do the work. Send your resume, network constantly and understand that everything is a stepping-stone.

Reidy: Be patient. You’ll eventually get to where you want to go. Carry yourself professionally and be patient, and you’ll definitely reach your goals.

* Graham is finishing her master’s degree in communications at Pepperdine University

More information and purchasing details for “Working World 101: The New Grad’s Guide to Getting a Job” can be found at www.workingworld101.com.

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In the days of digital domination, the text message reins supreme over the land of communication. With emoticons, predictive text, mass messaging and more, it’s never been easier for us to convey how we feel—as long as we can do so in 160 characters or less. And while “thumb-to-keypad” has become the new “face-to-face,” when it comes to relationships, there is something to be said—er, texted—about communicating through the little black box.

Beware of the sexpert textpert.
A friend of mine, who is the quintessential bring-home-to-meet-the-parents guy, also happens to bring the heat—via text, that is. A seasoned sexy texter, he says that sending sweet nothings through the radio waves is a classy alternative to the booty call. I say they’re one in the same. Rule of (texting) thumb: Late at night? Then don’t write.

Hey QT! Can’t w8 4 r d8 2nite C u l8r!
Just don’t.

Emoticons are not emotions.
I was really into Mitch after we hit it off at a mutual friend’s birthday party, and throughout the following week he played Casanova via text message and we made a plan to meet up. But at our dinner date that weekend, I felt like I was with an entirely different person—Mitch hardly made an effort, let alone eye contact, to show me he was interested. Disappointed and a bit confused, I was even more baffled when I received a text from him later that night telling me what a wonderful time he had at dinner and how he was thinking about me. Apparently Mitch was only comfortable communicating from behind his technological shield. I was extremely uncomfortable with building a relationship through 10-point font, and we stopped talking soon thereafter.

There’s a reason your screen is two-dimensional.
Stop reading so much into each text message. It means what it says, so stop stressing!

Don’t use your thumb as a weapon.
Being on the battlegrounds of a texting war is a very dangerous place to be. If you find yourself in a vicious rally with your significant other, end it by sending a message that says you’d rather wait to talk in person.

Before flip phones, iPhones and Blackberrys, people played by a different set of rules in the game of courtship. Pursuing a new interest or sustaining intimacy with an old one meant charging the playing field without a technological helmet or padding. Now, armed with enough protective equipment to make even the most timid player feel safe, we seem to have lost sight of why we play the game in the first place. Text messaging isn’t the opposition, but like all forms of communication, it should be used thoughtfully and with purpose. So before you reach for your phone to send some digital love to your darling, refer back to this drawing board for a new game strategy.

photo by brandon warren

cell phone, communication, dating, emoticon, phone, relationship, texting Hide