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Cheating. It’s a taboo subject, that we generally like to avoid. No matter how committed one is in a relationship, the thought of “what if” can pop into your mind. The difference between thinking it and acting on it, however, is the defining separation between a simple thought and a cheater. I’ve enlisted the help of anonymous members from both sexes that fall into the latter category and can give insight into the art of deception. It’s important for others to recognize the signs, how to avoid temptations, and make choices that won’t put your relationship in danger.

I call it the “art” of deception not because the act of deception itself is something spectacular, but it’s rather craftily based on the discussions I conducted. Both Male X and Female Y admitted they felt remorse for their actions but neither had deliberately planned in advance to cheat on their partners. Motivations varied, but generally, both sexes agreed that something was not working with their current situation. They stress that it’s not an excuse for their behavior, but it was a factor that contributed to it.

Concealing text messages, phone calls, and e-mails are among the deceptive ways utilized by both Male X and Female Y. Male X would change the names of girls on his phone to male names and tell his girlfriend that he’d be going out with the boys. Female Y would concoct elaborate plans from taking time off work or say she was staying at a girlfriend’s place when she’d be with the other person.

Male X’s motivation was feeding off of the rush of the act; knowing the consequences but pushing the limits to see what he could get away with. Female Y’s motivation was more along the lines of emotional escapism because she had an attachment to the man she cheated with and felt she could get what was lacking from her current relationship.

Both sexes say to watch out for poor excuses for covering things up or masking who is calling and saying it was someone else. One of the biggest indications could be the lack of desire to have sex regularly. If your relationship is based on honesty, then any deviation from the norm could raise a red flag.

Both cheaters say they have reformed due in part to their way of thinking and maturity. Once the “rush” subsides, you are left with a broken relationship. They are now committed to their partners and believe honesty is always the best policy. Communication will solve many problems, so don’t be afraid to share your doubts.

Overall, I am not condoning or condemning the choices that have been made, past or future. But before you potentially act, think of the consequences of your actions. If it’s better to mend or end the current relationship you are in, and how you would feel if you found out that your partner was the one cheating.

Birds and Bees, cheating, commitment, deception, Genevieve Castonguay Hide

The severe thunderstorm warnings finally subsided. In fact, the sun came out with such intensity that the rain didn’t stand a chance for the rest of the evening. A half-hour before the ceremony, our friends pitched in to drag 200 chairs from under the tent where they had been set up with the assumption the ceremony would be completely washed out.

From that moment on, nothing could have been more perfect. We ate, drank, laughed, danced and even roasted marshmallows. Many of our friends camped out in tents and then we all greeted the sunrise on Sunday morning. I can honestly say that it may have been, to date, the best day/evening/night/dawn/morning of my life. And I’m 99 percent positive Ben agrees.

On the 43-hour drive back to Los Angeles, Ben and I filled each other in on the moments the other had missed and relived the moments we shared. We decided that our vows were exciting, our dance was lovely and that the weather, food, cake, speeches and even the dancing were all amazing. But the very best thing about everything was watching our parents smile, our families relax and all of our friends come together to celebrate with us. It meant so much that so many people cared to show up despite the mud and chance of stormy weather.

Aside from providing the opportunity to have the best and biggest party of our lives, marriage hasn’t changed our relationship much. I don’t think Ben suddenly has a ball-and-chain attached to his ankle. I still have boys for friends and girls’ nights out. And neither of us expect the other to act or live differently. We talk about following our individual dreams and supporting each other in any way we can. We discuss making decisions based upon what is best for our family — which for now consists of him and me, as well as our dog Big.

When I catch a glimpse of the ring on his finger, I must admit I smile and feel this giddy rush of happiness. I feel confident that, like me, he is willing and proud to display this extraordinary symbol of our commitment to each other.

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I totally sabotaged my relationship. He was smart, attractive, and brought out the best in me. Dating was great. It was casual but, at the same time, we weren’t seeing anyone else…and then he called me his girlfriend I freaked out. What was it about that word that made me unconsciously ruin an amazing relationship? The same reason so many other young women freak out: fear.

Fear can rear its ugly head in a variety of different ways especially when you become close with someone. We think of excuses to dislike the person, come up with ridiculous reasons to be single, and, in the end, we are uttering the regrettable words “they were the one that got away.” He didn’t “get away” if you pushed him out of your life. So what are we doing?

Common Excuses:

• “I need to find myself.” Really? Where have you been? You are with yourself everyday, if you pull this card, it is as immature as cheating. When you get in a relationship, this person should be a complement to who you are, currently. A healthy relationship will allow you to grow together. If you want to end it, use a better excuse.
• “I’ve been burned before.” Who hasn’t? If you’ve been in a relationship that was damaging, you are more than likely going to be fearful of a new, healthy one.  Explain this to your partner. Take it slow, but don’t end something that could be wonderful out of fear. Take a risk; see what happens. If not, you’ll always be wondering what could have been.
• “The grass is greener on the other side.” Do you ever go out with your single friends and they convince you that you were “more fun” when you were not in a relationship? But all it takes is a good talk with a single friend who is complaining about the awkward one-night stand she had last week to send you straight back to reality.
• Commitment = Suffocation. Nope, not really. Many women stray from getting into serious relationships because they fear it will be the end of their independence. If this is the case and your partner is preventing you from living your own life, then that is a warning sign to get out.  But if it’s just your fear that you will have to marry this one, take a deeper look at what is causing you to think this way. He may not be thinking this at all.

I was lucky. When I started to pull the “I’m not ready card,” he called me out. He said he knew I was afraid of commitment because I had been burned in the past. He knew my surly attitude was due to the fact that I was trying to push him away. He told me, “If you do this with every guy you meet, you’re going to attract men who disrespect you. If you push all the good ones away, you are only setting yourself up for failure.” I was floored, but guess what? I realized he was right.

photo by katie tegtmeyer

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