The Queen Bee: Culture Cliques After College
by Emily Roberts, M.A., LPC-I

A nine year old walked into my office and declared, “I think I am going to join the ‘clique’ at school. They do get in more trouble, but they always look like they are having fun, and get lots of attention.” When I questioned her more about joining this group of girls, she said that they made fun of other girls, pushed them off the swings, and weren’t very nice. She abruptly changed her mind when I told her that others might view her as being “mean” too if she became part of this group. She would be “mean” by association.

Essentially what this little girl is going through is stuff we thought we would grow out of after high school or at least college.  But that isn’t the case. Many people I have worked with (friends, and even myself) have fallen for the “clique” when it comes to social circles. Do you give in or get out with your dignity?

I found myself at a table amongst some pretty “popular” people recently, listening to their conversations about who’s getting divorced, cheated on, or going to rehab, all while making fun of innocent bystanders. I sat back and realized other people may be viewing me as the “mean girl.” How did I, a smart, college-educated, woman, who works in the “helping profession,” fall into this?

Was it the exciting invites to exclusive parties? Or the fact that I was never bored due to the incessant drama? Perhaps, but all this seems meaningless now. My work suffered, my older friendships diminished, and I put everything important to me on the back burner.

Some of these girls were my good friends, but their conversations were tiresome and demeaning to other women. I found myself being pulled in two—I wanted to keep these friends but at the same time I began neglecting my dignity. So I had to figure out how to get out alive, without my reputation being ruined (which unlike high school can ruin your career).

How can you get out alive?

• Weigh your options. Will the opening of yet another “hot spot” be as important as spending time with an old friend or family member?  Probably not.
• Prioritize. If you find that you’re putting off important things (work, school, your health, family, or friends) for this lifestyle, it may be time to rearrange.
• Realize. When your family and friends say you’re not around, take note.  That gut feeling you get is guilt.
• Remember who you are. If you find yourself being caddy or involved in meaningless conversations, I would suggest excusing yourself, and reexamining what you are really gaining from this friendship.

I started to focus more on things that mattered to me; work, school, nurturing old friendships, and not jumping at the chance to hit up the latest hot spot or get in on the latest drama.  And guess what, life got suddenly a lot easier, happier, and much less dramatic.

photo by udo herzog

clique, friends, friendship, hot spot, mean girls, party, popular, relationship Hide