I totally sabotaged my relationship. He was smart, attractive, and brought out the best in me. Dating was great. It was casual but, at the same time, we weren’t seeing anyone else…and then he called me his girlfriend I freaked out. What was it about that word that made me unconsciously ruin an amazing relationship? The same reason so many other young women freak out: fear.

Fear can rear its ugly head in a variety of different ways especially when you become close with someone. We think of excuses to dislike the person, come up with ridiculous reasons to be single, and, in the end, we are uttering the regrettable words “they were the one that got away.” He didn’t “get away” if you pushed him out of your life. So what are we doing?

Common Excuses:

• “I need to find myself.” Really? Where have you been? You are with yourself everyday, if you pull this card, it is as immature as cheating. When you get in a relationship, this person should be a complement to who you are, currently. A healthy relationship will allow you to grow together. If you want to end it, use a better excuse.
• “I’ve been burned before.” Who hasn’t? If you’ve been in a relationship that was damaging, you are more than likely going to be fearful of a new, healthy one.  Explain this to your partner. Take it slow, but don’t end something that could be wonderful out of fear. Take a risk; see what happens. If not, you’ll always be wondering what could have been.
• “The grass is greener on the other side.” Do you ever go out with your single friends and they convince you that you were “more fun” when you were not in a relationship? But all it takes is a good talk with a single friend who is complaining about the awkward one-night stand she had last week to send you straight back to reality.
• Commitment = Suffocation. Nope, not really. Many women stray from getting into serious relationships because they fear it will be the end of their independence. If this is the case and your partner is preventing you from living your own life, then that is a warning sign to get out.  But if it’s just your fear that you will have to marry this one, take a deeper look at what is causing you to think this way. He may not be thinking this at all.

I was lucky. When I started to pull the “I’m not ready card,” he called me out. He said he knew I was afraid of commitment because I had been burned in the past. He knew my surly attitude was due to the fact that I was trying to push him away. He told me, “If you do this with every guy you meet, you’re going to attract men who disrespect you. If you push all the good ones away, you are only setting yourself up for failure.” I was floored, but guess what? I realized he was right.

photo by katie tegtmeyer

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Read the first and second installment of Addicted to Love

Many love addicts enter a 12-step program before they are ready to give up the addiction. These addicts acknowledge the addiction, but are not able to stop the addictive behavior.

I was one of these addicts. When my ex-boyfriend left, I lost everything. My whole life was about him, so when he was out of the picture the screen went blank. I started going to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) meetings and entered therapy.

At first, during the meetings, I just listened to all the love and sex addicts talk about their situations. I related to most of them — even though many were quite different. There were lots of young women my age and they were pretty and smart, as well as funny. Many were involved in the entertainment industry, including a famous actor. Although there were so many beautiful people sharing at the meeting, we all suffered from self-esteem issues (the root of many addictions).

I started to say I was a love addict out loud at the beginning of the meetings. I wanted to recover and be healthy but, at the same time, I still wanted my ex-boyfriend.

As a love addict, you are supposed to cut off all communication with the person you are addicted to. I did that for short periods of time and threw away everything he gave me.

My ex would always find a way back into my life. I’d make an excuse to call him or he’d e-mail or call me. We would get very close, and then he would disappoint and hurt me all over again. I went back to him — my drug — seven times before deciding I would really stop communicating with him. I finally saw the light. I just couldn’t give him anymore chances because he was not good for me. The high was just the love addiction. I decided I needed to make some boundaries and bottom lines (rules for myself regarding my addiction). I severed all ties to him — I defriended him on Facebook and MySpace and even blocked all his e-mails. I vowed not to communicate with him or check up on him via his blog or any other social networking sites. It sounds a lot easier than it is.

I completed therapy, and continued to go to SLAA meetings. I even introduced a few friends to the program.

My ex-boyfriend decided to start calling again last September. He was calling a lot and I did not answer. He finally left a message and asked if I was alright. I couldn’t handle all the phone calls, so I wrote him an e-mail. I told him very clearly that I was fine but did not wish to speak with him. He wrote me back a long e-mail. I didn’t respond. That was six months ago.

Once in a while I’m tempted to look at his blog and check up on his poker scores. That’s the addict in me. I’m not perfect — but now I’m healthy.

image by gustavo verissimo

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I had my first taste of dating chivalry when I was 17. My mom balked that my boyfriend wasn’t picking me up for our date – even though our date was taking place near his home. I thought that was illogical. But as the relationship progressed, my boyfriend would often offer to go out of his way to pick me up, which had me swooning – he thought I was worth all the extra effort. For safety purposes, I typically don’t let a guy pick me up until the 3rd date. I’ve had bad experiences with dates dropping me off pulling the “can I use your restroom” excuse. After taking care of business they linger in anticipation of smoochy time. I don’t believe this move is in the “how to be a gentleman” handbook.

While we proudly wave our hands up in the air when Beyonce sings “all the women who are independent,” it’s also inherent for us to want to feel taken care of and protected.  Women and men are equal, but not the same. There are hundreds of biological differences between the sexes when it comes to gene expression in the brain. Women fought for equality, not to be male. Equality doesn’t mean women should be treated like dudes.

Several years back I went on a blind date that was wretched. Therefore, I offered to pay half, not only because I was disinterested, but I knew he didn’t have much money. He responded gleefully without the slightest pause, “Ok, because I know you’re the type of woman who would feel offended if I didn’t let you.” I’m sure the grimace on my face gave away what I was thinking, “You couldn’t be more WRONG; I simply feel guilty.” And, amazingly, he extended an offer for a second date.

The lazy man will use the “feminazis” as an excuse for not grabbing the check, holding open the door, offering his seat to an elderly or pregnant lady. No woman is insulted by a chivalrous action that is given as a sign of respect. I don’t know one girl that doesn’t adore a little old-fashioned gentlemanly care. It’s an act of celebrating women, not of degradation. The smart guys know these courteous acts create a rapturous effect.

A man taking off his ball cap in a female’s presence is outdated but being a gentleman will never go out of fashion. Politeness and common decency should always be practiced. I subconsciously add and subtract points from dates for considerate acts: opening doors, walking me to my car at the end of a date, seamlessly grabbing the check when the bill comes, unlocking and opening my car door first, acting like a valet in the rain by bringing the car curbside. A key aspect is to do it with great ease. When men make a big show of it or do it reluctantly it diminishes the spirit of the act, but I guess it’s better than not at all. I relish in chivalry because it makes men appear strong with a tender disposition – a good catch.

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Several of the girls from the magazine went to the pre-screening of He’s Just Not That Into You at my favorite theater in LA, The Grove. Naturally, we walked out cracking up at all the different stereotypes of girls and how each of us knew someone who epitomized every role…from the hopeless romantic, to the lustful vixen, to the overly apologetic, to the independent career chick.

However, despite the colorful cast, the soap opera structure and drama filled storyline, the one overriding theme that we could all agree with was that FAR too often we make excuses when guys are fundamentally not interested in us, period. We all laughed at being victims of this pathetic justification when Captain Obvious was starring us in the face, screaming, “Actually, the reason he never called is because HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.”

Recently, I had an epiphany. After giving my number to a guy (a name I will respectfully not include, so let’s just call him “Alex”), he contacted me and invited me to a Saturday morning breakfast. After I didn’t reply, he followed up with, “Yummy food… good coffee too perhaps… engaging interaction…” And I’m thinking, that’s cute enough, sure why not Alex; so I responded with, “Lovely. Let me know when and where…” Then… NOTHING.

No call, no text, no nothing. Immediately I start with the obvious explanations; he lost his phone, he got in a car accident and is in a coma in the hospital, he had blunt trauma to the head causing amnesia, was kidnapped, is a Superhero and international crime had beckoned him to Prague. Trust me, we get creative.

Either way, it occurred to me that the whole reason I was doing this in the first place was to keep this guy from looking like a total and complete jerk. If anything, it’s not so much for our own pride that we refuse to accept someone simply isn’t interested in us, it’s our selfless attempts to mask bad behavior and keep our hope alive that there are actually good men in this world.

After all, guys are JUST as confusing as they claim we are; why waste your time asking a girl out, putting forth the energy in the first place or making the first move when you have no intention of following up on the offer? Part of me is writing this blog for the Alex’s of the world; we’ll stop being psycho, if you stop faking us out and leading us on and giving us false expectations. Here’s the deal: don’t call or ask us out if you’re going to flee the country the following morning and maybe we’ll stop coming up with ridiculous stories to cover up your tracks.

So I’m sticking to my original story, Alex was unable to meet me for breakfast or even text me that we were, in fact, not meeting that morning because he was… he was… well… damn. I got nothing. Ladies, no more excuses for the boys of this world. Will the real men please stand up? Lord knows Alex and his entourage of MIA-ers are sitting cross-legged, heads down, starring straight at the floor like the toddlers of the world.

In the meantime, ladies, stay strong. It’s like sifting through a sea of bad clothes in a thrift shop. You have to patiently await that one twelve dollar treasure that everyone will envy when you return home adorning a priceless, vintage Prada dress that looks as though it were tailor made for your body alone. He’s out there, and while the others are just not that into you, my goodness, the right one will be.

As for Alex, even if you are the most gorgeous black man I have ever seen in my entire life, you just missed the best thing that ever happened to you, your loss.

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In the world of science, a black hole refers to an area with a gravitational force so strong that nothing –not even light –can escape it. In the less distant, yet equally mysterious world of relationships, there exists an abyss notoriously known as the Boyfriend Black Hole (BBH).

Most of us have experienced it and many of us have even slipped into it –that time and space of a new relationship, where it’s all too easy to slip away from the girl galaxy and into the couple chasm. When your BFF’s “ladies nights” are replaced by “date nights” it’s natural to feel exiled to Pluto. Fortunately, unlike nature’s black holes, the BBH is not necessarily an infinite vacuum. There are ways to evaluate and adjust to this orbital shift, and like the Big Bang, create order out of chaos.

Step 1: Evaluate what feels different –is it the quality or the quantity of time spent together that has changed? Think about those good friends who live in different cities, or even across the world. Although you don’t experience day-to-day life together, you remain close.

Step 2: If you conclude that the dynamics of your friendship remain intact, practice reminding yourself of this. Communicate your needs to your friend. It’s possible that she may also be struggling. Dealing with the situation together could bring you even closer.

What if you conclude that the dynamics of your friendship are not intact?

Talk it Out. Approaching your friend to confront your concerns is usually successful –but proceed with caution. While it’s natural to feel angry and hurt, try to stay even-toned and non-accusatory. Your friend may be aware of the change in the cosmos, but she may not realize its affect on you. In addition to being overwhelming, change affects multiple facets of one’s life, and it can take time to understand and manage it. However, you don’t have to sit back and wait for your friend to find her way –instead, your feedback can help her get her planets in alignment.

Love is Patient. Granted, not all relationships are the same. You may be wary of confrontation, your friend may struggle with accepting criticism or for whatever reason, you may decide that the best course of action is no action at all. If this is the case, you are choosing to accept the new terms of the friendship. This is not necessarily a bad thing nor is it writing your friend off. However, if you choose this course, make sure that you adjust your expectations to fit the new dynamic.

Before assuming that the new dynamic is a reflection of her feelings toward your friendship, remember that people differ in their ability to achieve balance and even the most earnest falter from time to time. The lack of ladies nights may be due to your friend’s gradual orientation to the change. It’s likely that if you hold on tight to that lifeline, you’ll eventually pull her back out of the BBH abyss.

photo by mason

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