When was the last time you saw a man in a commercial for dishwashing soap?  Never?  I was watching TV the other day when a carpet cleaning commercial came on.  It asked how to solve the problem of messy pets, kids and husbands (it actually used the word husband but never wife) and offered their services as the only solution for women to keep their clean home.  But for me, it also begged the question: Is cleaning still a job designated for women?

There is no doubt that since the ‘50s, women have made progress.  But every day, we consume these casual commercials, and I have to wonder what their implications and effects are.  Peanut butter commercials show tidy, stress-free mothers doting on their children; bleach commercials show the same happy, carefree woman wiping germs and spills off her otherwise spotless counter; laundry detergent commercials show a relaxed, attractive mother fighting stains with expert grace; and a young, well-dressed woman feather dusts her two-story house.  This pressure is too much.  How can we be beautiful, composed, successful AND maintain a ridiculously flawless home?

The idea of a “second shift” is not something new, and according to these TV images, it isn’t something that is disappearing.  There is a total disconnect between what we see on TV and what we experience.  These images are painting an unattainable standard for young women.  As I write this, the news is airing a story titled, “Why are men happier than women?”  Certainly this supermom character has something to do with it.  We are never going to be good enough if we hold ourselves to these standards.

The only way to combat this pressure is to be aware of it.  This stuff gets in our heads – I know it’s in mine.  It is one of the biggest challenges women today face – resisting the barrage of images that tell us what a woman should be, should look like and should do.   But there are incredible women who don’t want to be defined by media either and who are taking out the trash that has been stuffed into their heads.  I am want to have this conversation so we at least know we have a choice and can redefine our roles, embrace our reality together and stand united as we walk forward – whether our carpets are clean or not.

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We really seem to have no idea how lucky we are.  I sat in a line for over two hours today waiting for a new iPhone.  Behind me, two people spent most of that time calling the store, haranguing the manager when he came outside to give us updates, and voicing their displeasure with the girl who was manning the front door.  I understand their frustration.  I really do.  The entire time I was in that line I was kicking myself for not having a book, my laptop, something that would make me feel like I wasn’t wasting my entire day for A PHONE.  On top of that, the thing is ridiculously expensive and in my experience, and the experiences others have relayed to me, the attention to customer satisfaction during the buying process is practically null.

But.  What on earth are we complaining about?  Here I am a twenty-three year old girl living in California, with the resources to buy this incredibly useful (and totally fun!) tool, and all I have to do is stand there and wait for a couple hours?  And this is why we wait: (it doesn’t matter how irritating the whole experience is) the product is a status symbol, a tool, an adult toy.  And as such, it is a totally awesome luxury that in the end we are lucky to have.

In December, I returned from a two-month stint of teaching English in East Africa and, I have to say, that readjusting to American life was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  At first, I was thrilled to be home, relishing in the comforts of the Western world – showers, pedicures, cell phones.  But after a few weeks, I started feeling this intense guilt.  What would happen to those children I taught?  Had I really made an impact?  To this day, I still feel like I am never doing enough for them, that I have left them behind, reduced them to a memory.  But I’ve learned to cope with this guilt by owning it.  We should feel guilty.  We should worry about what is happening to these sweet children with so much hope and optimism.  The children who live in this world who go every day without showers, without cell phones, without cars, without shoes!  Some without parents and most without proper nutrition or clean drinking water.  We are so far removed from this suffering, so desensitized by the pictures of children with flies on them, that we forget that they are real people.  While we are huffing and puffing about waiting in line, there are real children with real dreams that may never be realized.  And we should feel bad about that.

But guilt is useless if we wallow in it.  There is no point in feeling guilty about your luxurious life if that is where it stops.  Guilt is a tool that should be used to tap into what is true; it is a source for motivation and personal honesty.  Now, I’m glad when that feeling tugs on me – I know it means I need to stop thinking about myself and focus on how to do something for the people who right now are trapped with less than I have.  Those who are apathetic about the issues in the world today have let guilt get the best of them.   They have let it overwhelm them into a state of hopelessness.  But it is not our fault that people suffer in the world until we turn our heads and look the other way.  Then, guilt has beaten us and we will become numb to truly contributing to this world. The destitude will seem far too overwhelming and we will resign. While I don’t think we should apologize for our guilty pleasures, I also think it’s vital that we are keeping things in perspective and seek out making a positive difference in the world.

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Even after a shark removed her left arm with its teeth, Bethany Hamilton, 18, never let her passion for surfing falter. “When I could walk, surfing became my lifestyle,” she said in an interview with IAmThatGirl.com. And her lifestyle hasn’t changed since.

Hamilton began surfing at age 4 in her hometown of North Shore, Kauai. At the age of eight, she entered her first major surfing competition in two categories and took first place in both. Already looking to make a career out of surfing at the age nine, Hamilton began competing more seriously. She won the 1999 Haleiwa Menehune Championships 23rd annual contest among many other awards. She soon picked up a sponsor, Rip Curl, and competed in the National Scholastic Surfing Association (NSSA) circuit. By 13, Hamilton was a successful career woman, swapping the cubicle for the ocean.

Her talent may make the sport look easy, but Hamilton is not impervious to the dangers of surfing. In October 2003, she suffered a shark attack that can be described as life-threatening or, at least, as career-ruining.  The shark ripped off her arm right below her shoulder before disappearing. Hamilton bled profusely and lost 60% of her blood that morning. But she would not let the injury keep her out of the water for long. CNN reported that “Bethany Hamilton returned to competition just 10 weeks after losing her left arm in a shark attack and placed fifth in her age group in the Open Women’s Division of a National Scholastic Surfing Association meet at Banyans.”

Just weeks after the shark attack, there she was, back on the board and winning. When asked about the most challenging part about her recovery, Hamilton said, “Getting the doctor to let me back in the water! He was so worried about details. That shark took more than my arm.  That was the deepest challenge.”

Hamilton downplays her achievements. “No hard part, really. I am lucky to be alive. It’s all easy after that.” It’s hard to fathom losing an arm and calling the recovery easy, but Hamilton explained in her interview that the “attack, comeback, and world adventures are just all a part of the story.” Though she herself does not make a big deal out of the recovery story, Hamilton’s perseverance after the injury has shown the world that nothing can bring her down or deter her from her greatest dreams.

As for her success in surfing, Hamilton attributes it to “family and faith and friends, and a little God given talent.” Her passion and perseverance can’t hurt either. And let’s not forget all the training. Hamilton practices three times a day: dawn, late morning and late afternoon after her studies.

Somehow, she also found time to write a book, Soul Surfer, which highlights her experiences, accomplishments and bravery. She is currently working on a feature length film adaptation of the book which is being produced by Dolphin Entertainment.

Bethany Hamilton is an amazing woman because of both her incredible ability and successful achievements and the humble nature with which she speaks about them. For all other girls out there wanting to pursue their dreams as well, Hamilton told us, “Listen to your inner soul, never give up, and move.  Don’t stand still.” Stay updated on Hamilton and her movie on her website www.bethanyhamilton.com.

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We all need that one person, family or that group of best girl friends; I call them my sanctuaries. These are the people that know everything about you and still like you. The people you can be vulnerable, honest, weak and cranky around. I’ve found I rarely let my guard down or ask for help even when I really need it. I don’t like looking weak or having my imperfections out in a display case, but that can be pretty exhausting at times. Sometimes I need that person in my life that I can call when I just want to complain, or share my insecurities with and confess while everyone may think I know what I’m doing, I in fact, have no clue – the person who you feel comfortable wearing sweatpants, an old t-shirt and no make up around. It’s the person you can hang out with and you don’t have to talk, or entertain, but it’s better to be with them than alone.

My family is definitely my sanctuary. They provide a bunker from this world; a safe place from life’s pressures and expectations. My family reminds me to laugh more, make fun of myself and not take life too seriously. I have my select friends when I’m on the road traveling that I can call any minute of the day and they’ll wake up and make me feel better when I get homesick (and yes I do sometimes)! Now I really believe that life is simply too hard to not have this support system as your lock down foundation. Even if it’s ONE person, everyone needs their little sanctuary where you never, ever have to question their motives, their love, or their support.

On the other hand, the only way to ensure that you have these types of people in your life is if you are equally willing to be the same for someone else. We have to constantly be reminded that in order to get you must give. Too often today, people expect to get something while not giving anything in return. So not only is it important to make sure you have a sanctuary, but make sure you are someone else’s sanctuary as well. As we get older, I think we grow more selfless – or I’d like to think so. I truly believe that giving becomes more rewarding than the receiving and I think the same goes for our relationships. The more we give, the more joy we find and a byproduct of it is that we, in return, reap far more than we can imagine.

P.S. Thank you Illy for chatting with my yesterday, I sometimes wonder what I would ever do without you!

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I heard recently that true success is winning the mind over body battle, having a strict discipline over your thoughts and actions. I can’t imagine many things that would be more inspiring than the ability to know and trust that when you up your mind to something, without a doubt, you know it will be done. Whether that’s working out, deciding to eat healthy, completing a task or following through on your word; there is power in knowing your mind will unwaveringly stick to what you say and not crumble under the pressure or the perks of immediate gratification. I know that no matter how many times I say I’m going to start eating healthy, that the moment you put a piece of oozing chocolate cake in front of me, it was as though it were my last day on earth and I would never ever see another piece.  The same happens with working out, that I’m going to really get back into the gym and a solid work out routine, until the next morning when I decide that sleeping in sounds more appealing and that justification leans on me and wins the battle.

Now it’s easy to look at eating healthy and working out as obvious indicators of my lack of commitment and fickleness, but I think more than my own personal goals, worse are when someone else is counting on me to come through. It’s as simple as calling someone back, or missing a deadline, or being late to a meeting. I think true success and something that everyone should take the time to define for themselves, should be more based on the intangibles. My success is being a girl of my word – even more to myself than others. I want a confidence in my thoughts that my mind is more powerful than anything else and my body is but the follow up action. I want my body to submit to mind and not the other way around.

So my true success is like the Karate Kid, having my mind master my body and, in doing so, being powerfully disciplined in my thoughts as well as my actions. Unfortunately this is not a button that can be pressed.  This is a lifetime of practice, hard work and perseverance. However, at the same time, few pursuits are as worthy and beneficial to one’s life.

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I figure, while we are at it, why not address all of my problems, weaknesses and all the other imperfect blemishes to my character. Haha. So I was asked recently by a stranger what I like to do. It seemed innocuous enough, right? My response was that I was working on writing a book, and trying to plan a trip to Greece with a team of people to do a documentary on human sex-trafficking, and I loved working on this online magazine.  After I got done with my laundry list of this and that, he said, “Oh, so that’s what do you do for work, but what do you like to do when you AREN’T working?” And as I stood there stammering syllables, but no real words, I realized that I wasn’t sure what I liked to do. He obviously noticed this mental dilemma rendering me speechless and he offered a follow up question, “You know, like what do you do when you have free time?” I just stood there and after another awkward thirty seconds, I just started laughing and said, “Yup.  I have no clue what I like to do.  I’ll have to get back to you on that.”

This was a HUGE epiphany for me. It occurred to me that I am ALWAYS working, even when I’m not. Everything I do is work related and this notion of “free time” is completely foreign to me because it’s literally my “to do” list from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Sure some of them are more fun than others, but there is always a certain level of productivity, efficiency and purpose to my actions. And it was like the light bulb went off in my head, no wonder I am always stressed out, overwhelmed and exhausted. It’s like an athlete who doesn’t take breaks, who doesn’t nurse sore muscles, or take off time for injuries. It’s like working with no rewards, no acknowledgments or encouragement, just work, work, work, all the time. No one can live like that and the good thing is that I was never even aware of it before. It’s crazy how sometimes it’s a perfect stranger who points something out about us that is so obvious to them and yet we’ve never noticed it before.

So I spent half the day today thinking about what I, Alexis Jones, like to do in my free time and this is what I came up with: I like reading, walking outside on beautiful days, listening to music, and watching movies. I like making collages, calling my family and catching up.  I like riding my bike, playing the guitar (even though I’m terrible), and looking at travel magazines. I love meeting new people, writing in my journal, trying new restaurants, writing letters and mailing them by snail mail. I love sitting in bookstores and grabbing five totally different books on random topics and learning new things.  I think I’d rather have a cup of coffee and chat about life with my best friends than just about anything in this world and I am spending the rest of my day coming up with more…

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I had dinner last night with my brother and as I scarfed down an incredible piece of pizza at a fabulous restaurant here in Montreal, I made a joke about being a “control freak.” Though I kind of laughed it off, my brother nodded his head in complete agreement. What?!? You know what I’m talking about? It’s one of those things that I can say whatever I want about myself, but the moment someone agrees with me, I get upset. I can only imagine how difficult it is to put up with us girls sometimes. Haha. Anyhow, immediately, I responded with, “What do you mean? You think I’m a control freak?” And of course he responded with, ” Well, no… uh… yes… Come on, I was just agreeing with you and you’re the one who said it in the first place.”

He had a good point. And if anything, it spawned a very important conversation for me because it’s obviously something I struggle with. I want to know what my future job will be, who I will marry, where I will live and all the other details of my life and that defeats the whole point of the journey. Now, since Scott is my oldest of four brothers, he has some of the best advice because, with age, intrinsically comes wisdom. My brother went on to say that control is but an illusion and the need to have it can destroy a person. It’s like spending your whole life pursing something that doesn’t even exist; you’d have a better chance of tracking big foot, searching for the Smurf’s village, or looking for the last unicorn. He said, “Trust me.  Learn this one early and stop wasting your time. I spent so many years trying to control my future, my significant other, my finances, my friends and, at the end of it all, I realized it’s the biggest waste of energy and of this precious life.” He then looked at his pasta, took a huge bite and said, “I have this moment, right here, right now, eating incredible food and getting to hang out with my sister.  That’s all I’m guaranteed.”

Whether he knew it or not, I walked away from that conversation different. Of course I laughed at his mouth full of pasta, slurping sauce and his life lesson speech; but it was one of those moments that changes the way you work – as if I were a robot and someone had reached inside me and tweaked a wire and then hit the power button to start me up again. I think this is one of the most vital tools we can learn in life, especially in today’s world when we are busier than ever before. It’s even more important to cultivate this tool and discipline ourselves to live right here, right now. He was right.  I spent the rest of that night grateful for just being with him.  I turned off the rest of my brain telling me that I still needed to prepare my notes of Tuesday’s meeting, write a blog, email out the chapter notes of a book I’m writing, call back random people, get a birthday card for Mandy, do my laundry, find my passport, pack my suitcase, plan a trip to Greece to do a documentary, fall in love, get married, have kids and conquer the world. Haha. I figured, after all, that for that night, I’d rather enjoy the rest of my pizza and snuggle up next to my big brother as we watched the new “Hell Boy” movie with a large popcorn and diet coke. Seems like a pretty simple choice, doesn’t it?

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How often do we make assumptions about someone or something and then later find out we were drastically wrong? In a book I recently read, the author was describing a man who hopped on the subway with his two sons. Immediately the two young boys were bouncing off the walls, screaming and running up and down the isle way. In a few minutes, everyone on the subway car was looking rather annoyed at the man, silently begging him to control his kids, hoping that their ESP and inconspicuous glares would communicate their frustration. Finally, as though an ambassador for the rest of the impatient strangers, the author of the book leaned over and said to the oblivious, irresponsible dad, “Hey man, can you seriously do something about your kids?” A few seconds passed before the man slowly turned his head with glazed over eyes and responded, “We just left the hospital after a terrible car accident and my wife, their mother, just died. To be honest, I have no clue what to do right now, but if you have any advice, I’d love it right now.”

Of course the author telling this story felt terrible. Immediately, the “annoying” kids were but a minor detail and his entire attitude of impatience and frustration quickly turned to compassion and sympathy. I truly think one of the hardest things in life is cultivating the ability to suspend judgment until we have taken even a single step in another’s shoes. Whether it’s making fun of someone and realizing they are handicapped, or honking at the car in front of you and discovering it’s an elderly man, or a boyfriend you get angry at for sneaking around when you realize he’s planned an entire surprise birthday party for you. Whatever it may be, we have all been there when within seconds of finding something out, our entire paradigm changed.

I’m certainly not perfect and my impatience, hasty judgments and selfishness often squeak out before I even have a chance to think, but the encouraging thing is that I’m more aware of it these days and as quickly as my fire flares up, I’m able to put it out.  Speaking of that my brother is a fire fighter and he says that fires aren’t particularly dangerous, but the moment they get out of control, they can have devastating, life-taking repercussions. I think the same goes for our not so pretty characteristics. It’s futile to pretend that we don’t have moments of selfishness, pride, greed, jealousy, etc. but more important is learning to control them and quickly extinguishing them when their rear their ugly heads.

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I woke up yesterday stressing about everything: our magazine, my future endeavors, where I want to live, boys, upcoming trips, to do lists, etc.. I had about ten plates spinning and I was doing everything I could to mentally not drop a single one. Unfortunately this state of mind is pretty normal for me. I tend to be the girl who has to make the right choice, who has built a life and a schedule around my next decision, my next choice, my next move. Having flown to Canada for a charity event, I was honored to visit a children’s hospital and perspective was suddenly introduced into the warfare of my mind like an atomic bomb. I had spent the whole morning caught up in my own dilemmas; mole hills I had turned into mountains.  When I stepped into that hospital, it was as thought time stood still.

I looked around and saw precious children walking around with IV’s, gorgeous little boys with no hair from their chemo treatments. I saw a little girl who was strapped in a constrictive wheelchair, another boy who could barely talk above a whisper because of the tube in his throat that allowed him to breathe. I talked with an eight year old boy named Joshua and his fourteen year old brother, Andrew. As I went from room to room, I realized that these children were more appreciative for the day alone, for that morning, that second, because they didn’t have the same sense of entitlement that I feel to this lifetime. I wake up as though I have all the time in the world to waste worrying about what I don’t have, stressing over emails I haven’t sent, documents I need to fax or phone calls I haven’t returned. I spend my precious time in a far off land called the future and rarely, if ever, stop along my life’s journey to see the beauty inundating my world. I treat life as though the journey is but an inconvenience to my destination.

I spoke to a mom who has two children, a 17 year old boy who had birth complications and has had over thirty surgeries and a 12 year old daughter with a terminal disease that will hopefully grant her another year. This mom smiles more than any woman I have ever met. Do you think she wastes a second of her life wishing her circumstances were different? Doubtful. Why does it take finding out that we have a fatal disease or a drastic life threatening incident to really start living? I want to be like the children in the hospital who live life without fear, who live for each day, and savor every moment, every breath they take. I want to live my life full of joy, appreciation, contentment, despite my circumstance because life is simply too short, too precious.

I am so grateful to be reminded of what is really important in this lifetime. It’s not our life resume, accolades or our impressive accomplishments; thankfully, it is SO much more than that. Sometimes we need a bomb to blow up our little worlds because among the destruction, the debris, we get to rebuild our paradigm according to life’s real priorities. Thank you to all the children who so humbly reminded me of the beauty I am surrounded by in this moment and the incredible people and things I have to be grateful for today.

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How does one begin to define life? By the amazing things we have done, been apart of or dared to dream? Life is so precarious, so fragile, so precious. It’s like a dream only we get to dictate what happens… if we so choose. Life is full of emotion, or love, and loss, passion, elation, despair and unforeseen, unanticipated events… and the ones who lives it best know they are just along for the ride. Discard others’ expectations; hold tight to your own. The beauty of life is that it is our own and it is only limited by the extent of our wildest dreams. So dare to do it. Whatever that may be- dig deep into your soul and hold tight to the most elusive, most unfathomable, impossible dream and with absolute tenacity… don’t settle until it has birthed into reality. CHOOSE. Choose what you will and will not settle for, not only from others but more importantly from yourself.

You do, you get to dictate your life’s direction, the path you choose to walk and the journey awaiting you. Complacency is for the unoriginal, dreamless, those content with mediocrity. That is not you. The best are those who wake up each morning irrepressibly excited with a wild curiosity for the unknown and the mere anticipation of what might happen. Become what you believe. Prioritize life by what genuinely makes your heart smile. Love fearlessly. Abandon hesitation. Only put energy in people and things truly worthy of your time because far too much is wasted indulging the trivial. Invest in people, in the ones you love especially. Experience. Do not fear mistakes or failures, for each experience is an added piece to the collage of one’s life. Do everything. Imagine. Create. Surprise yourself. An uncommon life is for those who are willing to take leaps of faith, chance fate and bask in the uncomfortable. It is worth it. Life is magical, intoxicatingly surprising with unforeseen twists and turns on a Technicolor roller coaster. Prepare yourself for the road less traveled, for an uncommon life. Accept your fate, but also know your life is what you choose to do with it. Take a deep breath. It begins when you say! Let life be the place where your hidden dreams behind sleepy eyes transcend the night and you awake to their reality… before you know it, the distinction between your dreams and real life will no longer exist.

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